A stubbornly persistent illusion

Baanigondu Elle Yellide - The"Porn in Assembly" mix

2012-02-08T19:08:00.000+05:30

Pornಗೊಂದು ಎಲ್ಲೆ ಎಲ್ಲಿದೆ.. ನಿನ್ನಾಸೆಗೆಲ್ಲಿ ಕೊನೆಯಿದೆ

Assembly ಯಲ್ಲಿ ಏಕೆ ನೋಡುವೆ.. ನಿಧಾನಿಸು.. ನಿಧಾನಿಸು..

ಸದನದಲ್ಲಿ ಸವದಿ ನೀನು ಏನು ನೋಡಿದೆ

ನಿನ್ನ ಮರ್ಯಾದೆ ಅಂತು ಹರಾಜ್ ಆಗಿದೆ

CC Patil off ಮಾಡು ಅಂದ್ರೂ ಕೇಳದೇ

TV9 ಕ್ಯಾಮೆರಾ ದಲ್ಲಿ capture ಅಗ್ ಹೋದೆ

ವಿಷಾದವಾಗಲಿ, ವಿನೋದವಾಗಲಿ

Assembly ಆಚೆಗೇ.. Room ನಲ್ ಇಟ್ಕೋಳಿ

|| Pornಗೊಂದು ಎಲ್ಲೆ ಎಲ್ಲಿದೆ.. ನಿನ್ನಾಸೆಗೆಲ್ಲಿ ಕೊನೆಯಿದೆ ||

ಕರ್ನಾಟಕಕ್ಕೆ ಒಳ್ಳೆ ಹೆಸರು ಇತ್ತು ಜಗದಲಿ

ಸವದಿ, CC ಪಾಟೀಲ್ ಇಂದ ಬಂತು ಬೀದಿಯಲಿ

Pornಉ raveಉ ಬಾಳಿನಲ್ಲಿ ಎರೆಡು ಕೊನೆಗಳು

ಜನರಿಗ್ ಹೇಗೆ ತೋರಿಸ್ತೀರಾ ನಿಮ್ಮ ಮುಖಗಳು

ದುರಾಸೆ ಏತಕೆ.. ನಿರಾಸೆ ಏತಕೆ

ಅದೇನೇ ಆದರೂ.. ಥೂ ನಿಮ್ ಜನ್ಮಕ್ಕೆ

|| Pornಗೊಂದು ಎಲ್ಲೆ ಎಲ್ಲಿದೆ.. ನಿನ್ನಾಸೆಗೆಲ್ಲಿ ಕೊನೆಯಿದೆ ||

ಈ ಬ್ಲಾಗ್ ಪೋಸ್ಟ್ ಕೇವಲ ಮನೋರಂಜನೆಗಾಗಿ ಮಾತ್ರ. ಯಾವುದೇ ಘಟನೆ, ವ್ಯಕ್ತಿ ಅಥವ ಅವರ ಕೆಲಸಗಳನ್ನು ಅವಲಂಬಿಸಿರುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಹಾಗೇನಾದರೂ ಇದ್ದಲ್ಲಿ ಅದು ಕಾಕತಾಳೀಯವಷ್ಟೇ.
ಈ ಹಾಡಿನ ಅದ್ಭುತ ಮೂಲ ಸಾಹಿತ್ಯ: ಚಿ. ಉದಯಶಂಕರ್

The conscience of creativity

2012-02-04T00:30:00.000+05:30

I thoroughly enjoyed the recent war of words between two biggest National dailies and the media Moguls, The Times of India and The Hindu. I never expected Hindu to come back in such a vigorous and influential way, rather nobody did. Take a bow Hindu! The powerful reply by Hindu reinforces the fact that in business “Dignity belongs to the conquered”.

There is an opinion in the minds of the public that a person who reads The Hindu has a very good vocabulary or if you want to take your vocabulary to next level, you should read The Hindu. On the other hand, The Hindu has always remained unbiased from the controversies and it has won readers by virtue of this quality. I had always thought that Hindu lacks creativity. But this episode proved me all wrong.

It all started with TOI coming up with an ad wherein a guy who is holding a newspaper (that is supposed to be Hindu) sleeps everywhere. The hidden meaning wass that people who read Hindu exhibit boredom.

I never expected Hindu to react so creatively. I just loved it the way they attacked TOI. Some of the awesome one liners by Hindu goes like this:

Read about Political Parties. Not about Page3 parties

Sense... Not sensational

For the current affairs... which are beyond bollywood affairs

Because government malfunctions matter more than wardrobe malfunctions.

Just watch the below videos and you’ll have the answers:

Conclusion: The media pot shots can be treat as well as an eye opener. The conscience of creativity never fails. I wrote about this because I have always believed in the power of knowledge. My special thanks to The Hindu for reinforcing and re iterating the fact that “Knowledge is everything”. Now it is up to you to decide. What do you want: Kareena’s bikini picture or some gyan. Whatever you read. But make sure you

Stay ahead of times!

Image Courtesy: wordcreatesplus.wordpress.com

The importance of five minutes

2012-01-30T14:39:00.000+05:30

Sometimes, life is such a bitch! I hope this doesn’t happen to even the worst of my enemies. Of late, it has become a challenge for me to find companions for chai at my workplace. If the fear of uncles and aunts is not yet discovered, I’ll take the credit of inventing it and name it after my company. BTW, if you’ve never faced a situation where you were forced to sip a cup of coffee or tea alone in your office canteen, don’t ever risk it. It’ll shatter you; rip you to an extent greater than when Kapil Sibal learnt that Aakash tablet didn’t sell 100 units. A cup of tea without any companion can be most awful five minutes of your life.

Talking about five minutes, Isn’t it really weird how much of variation can a mere five minutes bring in different situations of life? Just contemplate on the below circumstantial evidences, you might realize that, 5 minutes, just 300 seconds, sometimes can be too much of a time and sometimes absolutely nothing at all.

Five minutes of surplus sleep in the morning is the best part of the whole sleep. My mom is the sweetest alarm in the world. When she wakes me up, I know it’s getting late but still I say “pleaaaase Maa.. Just 5 min” and pull my blanket over. How I wish those 5 minutes to be as stretched as possible. Oh, you should be so lucky to get this extra 5 minutes every day.

Imagine there’s no one at home and you’ve invited your girlfriend just to show her your house (I’m sure you’re capable of doing much more!). And your uncle’s third sister’s brother’s father in law with irritable bowel syndrome comes home just to use the toilet. You ask your girlfriend to hide somewhere inside. You look at your watch every thirty seconds and pray to god like never before that he’ll not stay for more than 5 minutes. We all want those 5 minutes to get over as swiftly as possible. Isn’t it? Sometimes in life, some people cause happiness wherever they go; and some, whenever they go!

Once I had been to a movie called Neal and Nikki (I’ve seen “Aap Mujhe Achche Lagne Lage” and “Agneepath” also in theatre). That’s when I started getting smiling Baboons in my dream; singing “I’m the neal, I’m the man, rock star, superstar” with guitar in hands. I badly wanted a navigation slider on screen so that I could forward and end the movie in just five minutes. Statutory warning: Even 5 minutes of Uday Chopra is injurious to health.

I’m sure even the f***ing geniuses have experienced the importance of last 5 minutes in examination. I had to write 10 more lines to get a stamp of 35. And there’s 5 more minutes left. The room invigilator strictly said last five minutes is to tag your answer scripts. I started scribing so fast as if this is the last five minutes of my life. I wanted these five minutes to be as lengthy as it could get.

The five minutes is same in every situation. But it is the circumstance that makes it different. So learn to make the most of your time. Learn to respect time. No matter if it is yours’ or others’. A great man has said “It is always better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.”

Just as I finished penning my above thoughts, My enlightenment for the importance of five minutes flashed in my cell phone with below sms from Sandy:

What is the similarity between over cooked food and pregnant girlfriend?

Thinking that “had I removed 5 minutes earlier, life would have been better”

Co incidence? You decide!

Image courtesy: effective-time-management-strategies.com and trsh.org

Hobby and Mental illness

2012-01-24T22:33:00.002+05:30

Episode 1: This might have happened to you: You are already frustratedspending 2 hrs on a 3 hr long meeting. You are in the middle of an importantconversation. Suddenly the other person flashes something in capital letters.YGM. You have no crazy idea what it means and you can’t even ask about itbecause it is a prestige issue. You see only blues for the rest of theconversation thinking what YGM is and miss some important points in the meeting.After the chat, you google it out and realize that meaning of YGM is a simple “You’veGot a Mail”. Then you feel you shouldhave replied WTHFIWWY (What the Holy Fuck Is Wrong With You).

Some of the things I understoodat my new work place:

TY – Thank you
HMPH – An expression ofdisagreement (FUCK! sounds better to me)
TTYL – Talk To You Later
HC – Holy Cow (coined by me afterrealizing the above)

Episode 2: You might have come across people who talk with such idioms,figure of speeches and phrases that you’ve to really keep a Roget’s thesaurusin hand to follow them. For e.g. they say “Cleanliness is Godliness” as “Freedomfrom incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude”. I dunno why. But Ieasily, so damn easily get irritated with such people. Actually I’m revealingmy weakness here. Man, when my 12^th Maths tutor said “Eccentricityof HyperBola is greater than 1”, I didn’t get a thing. Where will I understandyour English. You are a total turn off.

Even if you tell such people thatit’s not the right way, there will be no signs of change. They will just comeback and repeat it. Psychologists say not their problem. They would havestarted things (like abbreviations and love for English) out of pure interest,a sort of hobby. Without their own conscience, without realizing what othersthink of it, they become so obsessed that they will start using it everywhere.When it reaches its peak, it becomes a rational infirmity.

A Classic example of a pastime turning into mental sickness

The take away is simple: There is a thin linebetween “hobby” and “mental illness". Make sure that thin line is always visibleto you. Nurture your interest with a relaxing time and don’t develop obsessionfor any of your hobbies. Let it remain hobby. Don’t develop a mental illnessdue to your pastime and land up in unwanted problems. If the pastime becomesmental illness, what is the fun? Go. Get a life..!!

If you aresaying “Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim” for “Twinkle, Twinkle Littlestar” or using WTFs and LOLs very often, this is the time..!!! Wake up beforeyour friends ROFL and LMAO at you.

In this context, Always keep thisthing in mind: Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes ofhedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous associate.

Oops! I just wanted to say: Allwork and no play make Jack a dull boy.

Image courtesy: http://vi.sualize.us

The 7 Habits of a highly effective girlfriend

2012-01-18T20:04:00.001+05:30

From the past 6 or 7 years or from the day I came to know there’s a valentine’s day or whichever is earlier, the age of loneliness starts to bother me only during the last week of Jan and first couple of weeks in Feb. Of course you know the reason. But I’ve been told that this symptom is quite common in all the average looking guys with acne problem and who are not into any relationships currently. I was almost close to coming out of it. But damn, I broke up with her on Sankranti. In spite of Karnataka having a very good sex ratio (965 girls per 1000 boys), and now that I can afford a girlfriend, it’s a little depressing to be single, that too in a city like Bangalore.

Now that all my friends are getting close to nuptials, we started discussing what are the things that a guy should probably be looking for in a girl. Since getting into a relationship is not a corporate preaching, Steven Covey could not help us with this. So we had to collect the details from all buddy pals and formulate these seven habits of highly effective girlfriend, all by ourselves. Special thanks to Bali, Sri, Sumant, Hari, Mahi, Maddy, Smita, Sandy and Anil and our coorg trip.

Warning: All the matters discussed below are from a bunch of guys with arranged marriage mindset. Any resemblance to any behavior by a lover boy is truly co incidental.

The beauty and the beast: A big debate happened as to how much weight age is to be given to beauty and demeanor (The latter is hard to find in girls these days) and the answers were quite startling. A whopping 50-50. Yes..!!! Guys are guys, you see! So if you think you are a mirror cracking material, better reserve a place in art of living. Ravishankar might reveal his secret to you on how to fake a smile always and look good.

Empathy, sympathy and telepathy: This is the next big thing. Listening. Oh gal, we are ready to listen patiently to whatever you say, even for hours and days together. Even I’ve read in many books that a woman likes to be empathized. We’ll do it. We surely show sympathy, not a big deal. But if you don’t say anything and expect us to do things (which you do it often), how do we understand what you want. Through Telepathy? We’d rather stay away from you.

Shopping: Until we are in the “I can survive, take it to the Limit” mode, we are fine. But please understand that reading shopaholic and being shopaholic are two different things. Shopping above the basic needs of life is also fine. But we do watch out for great girls, who do shopping to just to kill boredom.

Bizzare Policies: We know health care policies and life insurance policies better than you. So we know what to spend and invest on. Trying to incept bizarre policies like “Show me the money”, “Q3 balance sheet” and other stuff are a strict WTF for us.

P.S: This will be nullified if the girl in the Finance domain.

Give me some sunshine, Give me some space: I know that you love your guy a lot. But overreacting for everything and requesting every minute detail on everything we do is a total turn off. Don’t sandwich your guy in between your love and care. Give him some space to breathe so that he can be himself.

Be a wingman: My dear girl, I’m a guy and I don’t understand the latest fashion statements and often forget to show that magnetism I really have inside. You’re more than welcome to help me out because I feel you are my best ever wingman (Taken from the Bro code by Barney Stinson).

Justice and benevolence: Seen only with some ultra modern girls who ask the guys to move into a separate house and part from their parents. I do not understand why girls don’t get the advantage of being with in laws. The growing intolerance between the saas and bahu is something that we never want to see. Please have little compassion and show same benevolence to our parents as your parents.

Well, no life is perfectly blissful. But some adaptations and adoptions can make life happening. Well, what you want your love of life to sing – Kumar Sanu’s duet or Himesh’s scream, it’s in your hand (Please refrain from reading this phrase in the toilet). If you don’t want to risk your life with arranged marriages and are still single, this might be your last chance. Valentine’s day is just around the corner. Happy trying..!!!

Image courtesy: kenneyjacob.com and kuchbatao.com

Why twitter is better than facebook

2012-01-13T22:29:00.001+05:30

Until recently, I was under the impression that twitter is boring. I always thought twitter is for the celebs and it is not aam aadmi stuff. It took me to follow a trend (#beingkannadiga) to understand the working and real power of twitter. The simplicity and efficacy of twitter is simply great. And of course this is with comparison with facebook. (Without comparison, even Himesh Reshammiya is a hero) Here is how.

I can be myself: You have absolute freedom to say anything because most of your facebook friends will be inactive here with ‘a tweet a year’ policy. I can say what I want, I need not be afraid of what my uncles, relatives and of course, girl next door will think of me. For e.g. if I tweet “Hey Sandy, stop following Chandrika, she’s a bitch, it would still remain a tweet and not become a post of national importance. More importantly, Chandrika can never reply “Tej, you bastard” because my profile name on twitter can be @assholeforlife or @devatamanushya

No wall: Oh come on. Not Rahul Dravid. I’m talking about your facebook wall. Not having a wall is advantageous a way beyond your imagination. Your friend’s friend’s friend’s 17^th common gay friend, who molested you 17 years back, cannot write on your wall, “Hey dude... Remember How I removed your pants... Nostalgic” and even worse, the whole world will not know about it. So you won’t be embarrassed for whatsoever reasons.

Profiles picture is not “THE THING” on twitter. So guys need not secretly monitor a profile with a sexy babe’s picture until her best friend, out of pure jealousy tags her real pic with carbon deposits on her face. People who hate Rahul Gandhi, people who share rape videos to post mortem pics, love failures, checking into their toilets, 35360 thought for the days by a broken hearted guy in just 17 days, culinary delight pics of newlywed (husbands forced to comment on it) and many other crap won’t trouble you at all on twitter. And there’s no chatting. Just say what you want to and keep going with your work.

It’s all about tweet and re tweet: Ýou tweet something. They like it. They re tweet or reply to your tweet. You like their tweets often. You follow them. That’s all about twitter. Simple and straight. Not a gay like facebook.

No wall, friends list with 500 friends of which 475 don’t even say Hi. No hungry monsters waiting to chat, tag, like, post, ping and poke.

I’m just passing on the gyan to you. Keep it with you and share it if you want. But, Wait. What are you doing.? Heyyy wait..!!! Please no. Don’t get all active on twitter and curb my freedom. Let me be real me.

Yours humorously

@teajstej

image courtesy: seoinc.com

The happy times junkie

2012-01-06T22:43:00.001+05:30

It’s just the 6^th day of New Year, and boredom is creeping in like never before. If you can imagine what it takes: to be with people who always talk about Shopping, Sophie Kinsella, work marriage and earrings (or in Malayalam) then probably you might be able to fathom the avalanche of my boredom at workplace. It’s not something I can ignore because I spend most of my day in office.

I know that eternal happiness is just an illusion. I’m not even thinking about it. But isn’t there even a single person who has got a similar or a near similar mindset like me? Come on. Our office has a whopping 3000 people. The absence of this one thing has become a serious liability for me to lose interest in everything.

On the other hand, at my previous workplace, it was exactly opposite to this. Outings, movies, gossiping, rumors, scandals, pulling legs and lot of coding and testing. Even lunch and tea breaks used to be so fun filled. Such a great team, with full of happening and people with cracking sense of humors, great enthu, totally fun loving and yet there was a discipline and perseverance. I can never forget my days there. I just recall my good old days and Damn…!! It makes me feel even worse.

I carried out a retrospective of why this kolaveri to me and the answers were right in front of me. (Thank you Natasha, for making me realize it). The truth is that I’m a deprived, depressed fool and when in you are in this state of trance, you can be easily tricked by emotions.

Long back, I used to be 24/7 cheerful person. A happy go lucky guy. But it changed. Things screwed up at home, couldn’t get into engineering, I changed my favorite workplace, started shouldering responsibilities, lost the track of love, increased travel time, traffic vows, penny in pocket, dreams worth million, unsupportive colleagues and the list goes on and on and on. But it was high time I had to learn the lessons without which I wouldn’t be what I am today. Yes.!!! Today, when I look back, I realize the fact that I came in terms with life in the gloomiest days of my life.

That’s the silver lining I was looking for. Unlike depression, happiness is not a state of mind. It’s a decision, a choice of how you want to look at things. It is not an easy task. But not impossible. Circumstances may haunt us and problems may follow us. But as long as we embrace simple things and learn to cherish small moments in life, we’ll stay happy.

As Natasha says, Gloom is just a faded old blanket. Just pull it over and cuddle yourself in it, and you'll be a "Happy times Junkie"

The "wild wild" west

2011-12-21T18:26:00.001+05:30

It all flashed in my mind while reading Purba’s post about stereotyping. How do people around the world recognize us, Indians with absolutely no difficulty at all? Have you ever given it a thought? Given the fact that we are a billion people, with at least a million different ethnic group and culture, caste, color, creed and etc. etc. People get to know that a person is Indian within no time. Not because of our physical appearance or lexis, I think it is because of the behavioral competencies that we all possess. Be it good or bad, but it is true.

Just brood over these things. These are some of the exclusively patented Indian essentials, which no one else can even envisage in their wildest dreams. Naming your pet dog or cat as “Tiger”. Assume the freedom to spit and shit anywhere and everywhere. Call someone in the wee hours and ask if you were sleeping.

On the Contrary, my boss in US, who has adopted a dog because he’s got no kids (Yes! It is true), carries a plastic bag with him whenever he takes the dog out for a walk, just to dispose the shit off in case the dog shits in public place. Once he called me when I was on vacation and literally apologized to me for having to ask about official work while I was on vacation. How many of us Indians do this?

I’m not getting into blame game and start off comparing Indian managers (I know they are under tremendous pressure to be bad) or question their customs and habits. But it just makes me think. What we need to learn from west is this: Love and care for things around you. Not their awkward junk food habits from KFC and Big M or hopeless fashion statements of girls or guys’ low waist jeans with undies visible. I hate to say this and we never accept this fact; but Indians (Well, most of us) are the most self centered, selfish creatures on this planet. He who said that egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity must have said it after his visit to India. But I know that I can’t put the whole blame on us alone. On the other hand, see Gods too are fond of jokes. Look at the way Gods have balanced the socio-physical disparity in the world. He gave Indians big brains. But instead of using it for the big purposes, we use it, most of the time only to wonder why Africans have big dicks and no brains. I’m surprised by the rapidity at which we are changing the “Indian”ness in us and inheriting the unwanted elements of western culture.

Why are we forgetting the great musical heritage of India and inserting a holy piece of western shit called rap in every goddamn Indian song? Why are the junk and unhealthy pizzas gaining more popularity than the good parathas ? Why is the divorce rate on the rise? Why are Indians spending so much on things that they can’t even afford? If an Indian can stop himself from shitting in public places in Singapore, why can’t he do it in India? If you can follow lane discipline in interstate expressways of USA, why are you not doing it here?

FYI, in reality west was nonexistent just 500 years ago. And here we are; leaving the legacy of our own 8000 year old customs and traditions and imitating them in all possible way and becoming heir to western nonsense. Whatte a tragic irony..! Instead of unwanted things, for a change, keeping the “wild wild west” at bay, why can’t we adapt something good from them? Let us inherit car pooling from west. Let us adapt their love and care for the neighborhood. Let’s learn to respect the system. Let us practice to follow the rules everywhere. Let us get a feel for cleanliness. Above all, let us start behaving as humans. What say..?

Image courtesy: http://www.arbitspeculations.com and http://sites.google.com/site/rastrindia

ಪರಮಾತ್ಮ – ಕಾಲೇಜ್ ಗೇಟ್ – The Pivot Mix

2011-12-01T20:58:00.001+05:30

ಮನೆ Gate ನಲ್ಲಿ tight ಆಗಿ ಬಂದವರ ಕಾಪಾಡೋ.. ಎಣ್ಣೀಶ್ವರ… Aaaa

ಹೆಂಡ್ತಿ ಕೈಯಲ್ಲಿ ಪೊರಕೆ…. Long ಆಗಿ ಕಾಣುವುದು.. ಏನ್ಮಾಡ್ಲಿ.. ಮಾಡ್ಲಿ ಎಣ್ಣೀಶ್ವರ

ಒಳಗೊಬ್ಬ ಒಬ್ಬ ಒಬ್ಬ ಒಬ್ಬ ಪರಮಾತ್ಮ

Tight ಆಗು ಆಗು ಆಗು ಅಂತಾನೆ

ನಮ್ಮಪ್ಪ ಅಪ್ಪ ಅಪ್ಪ ಅಪ್ಪ ಪುಣ್ಯಾತ್ಮ

ಉದ್ಧಾರ ಆಗು ಆಗು ಅಂತಾನೆ

| Tight ಅಗದೊರುಂಟೇ ಎಣ್ಣೀಶ್ವರ.. Night ಎಲ್ಲ ಏನ್ ಮಾಡ್ಲಿ Kick ಇಲ್ದಿರ |

|| ತನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂ ಡೂನ ||2||

ಒಂದ್ ಒಂದ್ಲ ಒಂದು, ಎರಡು ಪ್ಯಾಕೆಟ್ ತಂದು, ಉಪ್ಪಿನಕಾಯಿ ತಿಂದು, taste ನೋಡು ಎಂದು

Oh My Godzilla.. What a combination..

Blended Scotch-u, ಕುಡಿದೋನೆ loose-u, packet-u ಕುಡಿದು ತೇಲೋನೆ Boss-u

Bottoms up ಮಾಡ್ಬಿಟ್ಟೆ ಒಂದೇ ಸಲ, ಇನ್ನೆಷ್ಟು ಕುಡಿಯೋದು pivot ಥರ

Try ಮಾಡು ಏನಾದ್ರು ಬೇರೆ ಥರ, Mix ಮಾಡು packet ಗೆ ಎಳನೀರ

Girlfriend-u ಹುಡುಗನ Lifeನಲ್ Entry ಕೊಟ್ಳು

ಆಮೇಲೆ ನಮ್ ಹುಡುಗ, BAR ನಲ್ಲೆ settle-u

Dining-u hall ನಲ್ಲಿ ನನ್ನ ಪರಮಾತ್ಮ,

ನೀರ್ ಲೋಟದಲ್ಲಿ Beer ಬೇಕು ಅಂತಾನೆ

ಮನೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ನಾನೇ ಒಬ್ನೇ ಒಳ್ಳೆ ಪುಣ್ಯಾತ್ಮ

ಕುಡಿಯೋದು ಮನೇಲಿ ಗೊತ್ತಾ ಅನ್ನೋದೇ ಪ್ರಶ್ನೆ…!!!

| Hot drinks ಏ ಸರಿ ಇಲ್ಲ ಎಣ್ಣೀಶ್ವರ.. Taste-u ಇರಬಾರದ fruit juice ಥರ |

|| ತನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂ ಡೂನ ||2||

ಕುಡ್ಕೊಂಡು ಕುಡ್ಕೊಂಡು ಕುಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರು. Tight ಆದ್ರೆ Omelet-u ಹಾಕು ಗುರು

ಇಲ್ಲಿಂದ ಹೋಗ್ತಾರ ಯಾರಾದರೂ.. Bar-u Temple-u ಇಲ್ಲೇ ಇರು

Bar ಒಂದು ಭಗವಂತ ಇಟ್ಟಿರುವಾ ಟೋಪಿ.. ಇಲ್ಲಿಂದ Tunn ಆಗ್ದೇ ಹೋದವನೇ ಪಾಪಿ

PUC ವರೆಗೂ ಗಾಂಧಿ ಆಗಿದ್ದ ಪುಣ್ಯಾತ್ಮ

ಡೌವ್ ವಿಷಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಕುಡಿದು ದೇವರಾಗ್ಲಿಲ್ವೆ

ಅನಿಸಿದ್ದು ಕುಡಿಯುವವನೆ ದೊಡ್ಡ ಪುಣ್ಯಾತ್ಮ

ಕುಡಿದ್ ಮೇಲೆ ಏನಾಗುತ್ತೆ.. ನಮಗೆ ಗೊತ್ತಿಲ್ವೆ

| Quarter-e ಸಾಲ್ತಿಲ್ಲ ಎಣ್ಣೀಶ್ವರ... Full bottle ಎತ್ ಬಿಡ್ಲಾ ಒಂದೇ ಸಲಾ |

|| ತನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂ ಡೂನ ||2||

Bar-u ಶಾaaaaaaaaaaaaaಶ್ವತ…!!!

ಮೂಲ ಸಾಹಿತ್ಯ: ಯೋಗರಾಜ್ ಭಟ್

Tips for NRIs to get back to Indian milieu

2011-11-24T20:43:00.001+05:30

One thing I’m not able to comprehend, and of course, put up with, is the behavior of some middle class Indians after coming back from abroad. I’ve always wondered how just one visit can change the perception of a country in which you’ve lived for ages. Its a nice country. We agree. But even they know the value of freedom that they enjoy in India. Just for show off, they’ll start criticizing our practices in each and every moment. You’ll put so much, so much and so much of hypocritical mediocre melodrama only to make an ass of yourself. You might have visited US and UK, but you just can’t camouflage the “bachat-bencho” in you. He just comes out in one way or the other. Here are some tips exclusively crafted for the Indian foreign returns to get back to Indian milieu.

Bargaining: Before visiting US/UK, you were doing amazingly well with resident phrases like benchos and gaandus. After coming back, all of a sudden, you started using fuck, dick and suck even while talking in mother tongue. Why? Just because an Indian roadside vendor honored you with bencho and gaandu, it sounds so downcast and local to you? Then shut the fuck up, stop bargaining and pay him properly in India also (just the way you pay there). You come from a nation where scams account to several million dollars and you bargain for 10 bucks..?? Shame on your NRI rank. Bargaining with roadside vendors and vegetable sellers is not saving money. It’s a euphemistic way of begging. Teri NRI ki.

Calculations: You tell everyone about how cheaply Asians are treated there. But did you tell them about how cheaply you tried to dodge from giving a 5$ tip? Your mind swiftly calculates the value of 5$ (5x48.5 = 242.5) faster than Shakuntala Devi and you realize that you can buy a pair of Poombukar underwear or evade the tip another 39 times and buy an iPhone for yourself. Your 5$ saving won’t bring any fortune to Indian economy. So please behave like a Human Being, everywhere.

News update: When the citizens of US and UK is only not interested in knowing what is happening around, you have utmost and divine interest in knowing what is going on there. So you sit in the loo with your laptop/tablet on and read Washington post and The Guardian online. And you want to tell the whole world what you read just now. So you compare India with that and put it on your facebook wall. How useless you could get..? Truly, reading a vernacular newspaper will at least tell you whether there’s going to be water scarcity today in your locality which is one hundred times better than reading Washington post and Guardian in the toilet and ending up without water.

Change in lifestyle: Right from your childhood, you roamed every street and played every game in barefoot. But just because those noble Englishmen pulled the wool over your eyes and incepted the shit of cleanliness and hygiene in your guttery head, you start wearing floaters inside house also as if your palm is coated with Gold. I’m not against Hygiene, but use your brains you goddam lame ass dumb witted shithead moron; if you can live without wearing floaters inside home for 25 years, so can you for the rest of your life.

And the mother of all exasperation is your comparison: You see traffic jam, a public function, a mob, a stray dog, a marriage: you start off. “In UKKaaaaaaaaaay”, “In USSaaaaaaaaaaaaaay” and my mid fingers get an urge to involuntarily foxtrot in front of your face until you shut the holy fuck up. I lose my control when you compare the sophisticated and disciplined western beggars and their Indian counterparts. I really want to say “You better get the fuck out of my country before I kick your ass so hard that you won’t be able to s(h)it and beg”. I can tolerate Navjot Sidhu’s commentary and speech (at least he speaks FOR India). But I can’t stand your comparison. For heaven's sake, spare India. We really can’t take it.

In so many endeavors like Yoga and Ayurveda, the whole world is realizing India’s true potential and here we are, losing our originality and getting influenced from west because of morons like you. You show your Na Raha Indian (NRI) skills in foreign countries only. When you come back to India, just be a proud Indian. Either way, we know that you are Not Required Indian (NRI) only.

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

2011-11-11T22:34:00.000+05:30

Are you smarter than a 5^th grader? No... You are absolutely not. No second thoughts about it. Today’s 5^th graders outsmart us in all the possible ways. Their lifestyle going so exuberant, things around them changing so rapidly, their adaptability to the techno world has amazed me. But on the contrary, I feel they’re really missing something that we all enjoyed. Even though it’s my nostalgia that’s doing the talking here, I refuse to accept that they have a better upbringing than we all had. These are some of the things that I feel, that contemporary kids are really missing.

Mother tongue: I’ve seen kids playing on my street most fluently using the “F” and “B” words. Frankly, I learnt the word fuck in 8^th grade and until high school; I was under the impression that fcuk is misspelt. At that time all I had was the magas, machas, sisyas. I enjoyed it so much. And the best part is my parents never forced me to get into rat race. Today’s urban kids don’t even know the meaning of the most common words in their mother tongue, because their parents insist them to use English everywhere. Just look around and you can find such great parents who attended cockpit parenting classes to give their kids best they deserved, whose kids LOL at their own parents’ vocabulary, at their back.

Nick names: Hucha, Baba, Mowgli, Dicchi, Pirie, cable, motor.. These are some of my friend’s nick names. I still call them with that. But today’s Sandeep is Sandy, Madhav is Maddy and Radha is Randy. I know one of the Harry Potter follower whose name on facebook is Albus Severus Vishnu. Any comments?

Games: All the games we played on road: Cricket, Lagori, Eye-Spy, board games like Business, Snake and Ladder, they’re all not extinct. But they’ve been moved to virtual space. You can find them on android market and iStore. And contemporary kids play them on their iPhones and tablets. Today’s kids are physically non existent and active only virtually.

Gizmos: No words can express how grand the feeling was when I got a PC at home. Today’s boys don’t think PC is cool. Reason: PCs lack mobility. I’ve seen school going kids talking about privacy and other big words. How much we struggled to look at desibabas and the desibabes on a dialup connection? (I hated sound that dial-up modem made). Today’s kids have most easy access to the legendary porn of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, and that too at 3G speed.

We had walkman with audio cassettes. They have Cloud. We played super Mario and contra for years. But even Counter Strike is obsolete for them. Technology is advancing so rapidly that Film camera, Landline phones, pagers and typewriters we used for ages are extinct gadgets for gen next kids.

If you closely scrutinize, from games to names, we had a “desi” touch in everything we did. What the contemporary Indians have failed to realize is the essence of this very “desi” flavor. After 30-40 years, the street smart, vigorous kids might just be extinct. And as always, we let things go beyond control and when we realize it, our jaws touch the floor with an expression like Tusshar Kapoor’s in every movie, surprised how it happened. This is a mediocre Indian mentality: Unless our ass is on fire, we never take off.

If you please excuse me, I’ve to get some tips from my nephew to complete angry birds, before he goes offline. Bye for now..!!

Image courtesy: pltprincess.wordpress.com

An open letter to Chetan Bhagat

2011-10-31T23:45:00.001+05:30

Dear Chetan,

Thank you so much, for you’ve made me realize the “value for money” premise in just 2 days, which my parents couldn’t in 20 years. I’m feeling fucking dejected for spending money on the most worthless object in India. I’m such a loser and never felt this low in my life. Haven’t I purchased your book Revolution 2020, I never would have realized the value of 140 bucks in life. After I saw your book for 86 bucks on flipkart, Damn, I felt sadder than SRK learning that Ra-One is liked by No-One. Thank you for teaching every fellow reader, the value of your worthless stories.

Who do you think you are..?? An IIT ian turned IIM ite turned writer? That’s like Obama claiming himself as an African Tribe turned US president. Your quitting of Investment banking to be a full time writer is like Sonia Gandhi quitting politics to become a bollywood item girl, creating only more trouble for Indians. Did nobody tell you that excluding five point someone, all your other masterpieces has got nothing, absolutely nothing other than being smeared with rotten dirty bollywood masala shit? Are you sure nobody did? I would suggest you better work for Sajid Nadiadwala in disguise and write screenplays for him.

With a prologue as long as your motivational speeches (I’ll come to that later), your love stories are worse than a kannada movie. And when the world has forgotten Subhash Ghai, including Vivek Oberoi, you get inspired from him and feature yourself in all your works. For whose sake.? When the whole bunch of Indian readers are expecting something from you, you come up with this masterpiece of wholesome shit, a dumb fucking, characterless triangular story and give it the title “Revolution 2020” (Thinking of my 140 bucks and crying…).

You motivated all the students of Symbiosis, that’s great news. It doesn’t mean you put up an advertisement in your website to invite you as a “motivational” speaker. And you say that all your speeches are customized for the particular audience you address. Does it mean you’ve mugged up a speech for every type of audience..?? I just hope not. You studied core technology in IIT, core management in IIM and become a writer only to rant about the need to change the education system in India on twitter and TOI editorial. How dare you do that?

You had all the chances to make it big. NY times quoted that you are making India read like never before. Five point Someone was a hit. You had received enough accolades and fame. If you really had flair for writing and with some brains (I’m not talking about your eating books and puking it on your IIT and IIM answer scripts), you’d have written something real, really real. You missed it, Chetan.

Writing really isn’t your cup of tea. So for fuck’s sake, go back to Hong-Kong and invest your time and effort in your banking domain. Spare Indian readers. PLEASE.

P.S: Having "Bhagat" in your name doesn't make you patriotic hero of India. So stop assuming that you are making India proud.

Image courtesy: chakpak.com

Diwali special: Indi YEAH shining

2011-10-25T16:04:00.001+05:30

It’s time to celebrate and rejoice in India. After all the fiascos that gripped the nation, including the national loss of collective shit on facebook about Steve Jobs’ death, finally the gods of lights have indeed showered some light on us. I’ve got the feeling of ‘its good to be great’.

The SMART act: For the first time or rather after long time (whichever comes only one time) our cops have acted before it is too late to avert a disaster. Delhi Police have seized 5 kg of RDX before they went in wrong hands. If you know what tremors a whoopingly fucking 5kg of RDX can trigger, you’ll fathom the intensity and importance of it. This time, as a diwali gift, Delhi police just got some luck.

Bangalore Metro: Finally Bangalore is a “Metro” politan city. The reach one of Namma Metro is thrown open to public, in ishtyle. And the news from the Indiranagar is that it is awesome. BMRCL is grinning. After spending 6000 crore, BMRCL was skeptical whether it would fetch a smile on 6000 Ulsoor residents. And whether Yeddi missed the Metro or Metro missed Yeddi, only time will tell.

Yeddi in Jail: For all the developmental works he did for his family, oops I mean Karnataka (for him, his family is state), he was treated with due respect by the court; Bailing out everyone except him. Yeddi’s mindset was like Lance Armstrong thinking if he could win Tour De France, he could win f1 on is cycle. But this Diwali, he ran out of his stock of luck. Well, R.Ashok is all alone outside and hopefully, as a Diwali gift by namma lokayukta police, BSY will have a companion. He was only happy to come back to jail from Hospital. Damn his Astro palmist. After all, if Kalmadi can get Dementia in Jail for 70,000 crore, If Telgi can contact AIDS worth 36000 crore, Docs think Yeddi’s chest pain was worth every penny.

CBI’s almost close to making Raja and Kanimozhi’s current place, a permanent one. Telangana strike has ended for good. India taking a fantastic revenge on Englishmen, My Company surprised me with a festive bonus and what else you need. It’s Indi YEAH shining..!!!

Oops.. I just realized, since its Diwali, I’m afraid I can’t say “Have a BLAST”. Enjoy the good days :o)

ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ hosur road ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು

2011-10-12T21:22:00.000+05:30

ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ ನಮ್ಮಾ ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು

Hosur road traffic ಗೆ ಇಲ್ಲ ಮುಲಾಮು

Elevated expressway ಗೆ ದೊಡ್ಡ ಸಲಾಮು

ಈ ಹೊಗೆ ಕುಡಿತಿದ್ರೆ cancer ಖಾಯಮ್ಮು

ಎಲ್ಲೇ ಇದ್ರೂನು ನೀವ್, ಹೆಂಗೆ ಇದ್ರೂನು

ಬೊಮ್ಮನ ಹಳ್ಳಿಲಾದ್ರು ಹಾಡ್ರಿ ನಮ್ಮ poemmu

|| ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ ನಮ್ಮಾ ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು… Hosur road traffic ಗೆ ಇಲ್ಲ ಮುಲಾಮು ||

ತುಂಬಾ ಸಣ್ಣ ರೋಡು ಅಂತ ಅನ್ಕೊಂಡಿದ್ದೆ ನಾನು… 2000 ಅಲ್ಲಿ

Infosys placement ಆಯ್ತು. Project ಸಿಕ್ತು Electronic city ನಲ್ಲಿ
ಯಾಕೋ ಏನೋ ಯೆಡಿಯೂರಪ್ಪ road ಅಗಿಯೋದ್ ಕಲ್ತ್ ಬಿಟ್ಟವ್ನೆ
ಹುಡ್ಗೀರ್ ಜೊತೆ bikeನಲ್ ಬಂದ್ರೆ. Police ಮಾಮ ನಿಂತ್ಕೊಂಡ್ ಅವ್ನೆ
ನಾನು ವೈಶಾಲಿ ಗೆ office drop ಮಾಡಕ್ ಆಗ್ಲಿಲ್ಲ
ಆಕೆ ನನ್ ಬಿಟ್ಟು ನನ್ managerನೆ ಕಟ್ಕೊಂಡ್ ಬಿಟ್ಟಳಲ್ಲ

|| ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ hosur road ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು… ವೈಶಾಲಿ ನೀ ಯಾಕೆ ಹತ್ತಿದೆ, 356Mಉ ||

ಶೀಲಾ ಸಿಕ್ಲು silk board ಅಲ್ಲಿ… speed petrol ಹಾಕಿಸಿಕೊಂಡು expressway ಹತ್ತಿದ್ವಿ

Pulsarನಲ್ಲಿ ಇಬ್ರು.. ಒಬ್ರೇ ಕುಂತ ಹಾಗೆ ಕುಂತು ಓಡಾಡ್ಕೊಂಡ್ ಇದ್ವಿ
Wi-Fiನಲ್ಲಿ ಅವಳ ಜೊತೆ chat ಮಾಡಿದ ಕನಸು ಬಿತ್ತು
Midnightalli ಹೊಸ ರೋಡು ನಮ್ಮಿಬ್ರನ್ನ ನೋಡ್ತಾ ಇತ್ತು
Work from home ನೆತ್ತಿಗೆ ಹತ್ತಿ, ನಾನು ಮರೆತೇ office ಮೆಟ್ಲು
ಆದ್ರೆ ಒಂದು ದಿವಸ ಶೀಲಾ ಸೀದಾ ಬಂದು ಮದುವೆ card ಕೊಟ್ಲು

|| ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ ಎಲ್ಲರದು same problemmu.. Lords Plazaಗೆ ಹೋಗಿ ಬಿಟ್ಕೊಂಡೆ rummu ||

Officeಗೆ ಅಂತಾ ಒಮ್ಮೆ shuttle catch ಮಾಡಕ್ಕೆ ನಾನು stopಗೆ ಹೋದೆ

ನನ್ನ ಪಕ್ಕ ಕುಂತ್ಕೊಂಡೋಳಿಗೆ ತುಟಿ ಪಕ್ಕ ಮಚ್ಚೆ ಇತ್ತು.. ಹೆಸರು ಹೇಳಲಾರೆ
Sudden breaku ಸಾಕು ನಂಗೆ, ಬೀಳೋದಕ್ಕೆ love ನಲ್ಲಿ
ಅಮೇಲ್ ಏನು ಆಯ್ತು ಅಂತ.. ನಿಮಗೆ ನಾನು ಹೇಗೆ ಹೇಳಲಿ
ಅವ್ಳು ನನ್ನ ಹಳೆ project team leader ಆಗಿದ್ಲು ಕಣ್ರೀ
Rating ಕೊಟ್ಟ ಅವಳ ಮುಂದೆ ನಾನು ಬಚ್ಚಾ ಆಗೋದೇ ಕಣ್ರೀ

|| ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ ನಮ್ಮಾ next ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು… ನನ್ನ flashbackಏ ಒಂದು chewing gummu ||

ಈ ಬ್ಲಾಗ್ ಪೋಸ್ಟ್ ಕೇವಲ ಮನೋರಂಜನೆಗಾಗಿ ಮಾತ್ರ. ಯಾವುದೇ ಘಟನೆ, ವ್ಯಕ್ತಿ ಅಥವ ಅವರ ಕೆಲಸಗಳನ್ನು ಅವಲಂಬಿಸಿರುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಹಾಗೇನಾದರೂ ಇದ್ದಲ್ಲಿ ಅದು ಕಾಕತಾಳೀಯವಷ್ಟೇ.

ಚಿತ್ರ ಕೃಪೆ: pawantheactor.com

Woo-men

2011-10-12T08:10:00.000+05:30

This is neither gender biasing nor trying to prove that male genes are supreme. I’m not even debating about equality of women. But I’m wondering, how effectively young Indian women of today are making the best use of their freedom. I agree, you have studied abroad, you are earning 6 digit salaries, and you deserve better comforts, better lifestyle, luxury and blah, blah... Fair enough. Your hobbies and best practices are expensive, quite okay too. That’s your money, your lifestyle. But what you’ve failed to take notice of is that, with most of your hobbies and best practices, you exude not opulence, but sheer stupidity. Here is how.

Driving: Do you have the faintest idea of how many drivers and riders are sinned everyday? Because they just can’t stop themselves from saying ‘Teri maa ki’ and ‘nin a**an’, It instinctively comes out of our mouth after being petrified by your amazing traffic sense. After creating so much chaos on road, you expect sympathy from people. How can you? Getting a 40lakh Merc with your money isn’t enough, knowing how to drive, where/how to park also makes sense. Forget your driving sense and use your common sense to hire a driver and save lives. There are some things in life money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s common sense.

Fish Spa: Ever heard of it? This wonderful therapy does nothing but use fish to take the dirt off your feet. This is how it works. You’ll dip your fish food soaked feet in a pool of fishes which will eat off the shit glued onto your feet. And you happily pay 1000 bucks to get your feet cleaned. 1000 bucks to get your foot cleaned? What about the shit in your brains, that’s making you do all these?

Slut Walk: Delhi boys need an attitude change, I agree. But really, what on earth makes women think that a Slut walk can change the way Delhi boys look at them. This is heights of a failed attempt by women to establish first and second wave feminism in India. Sorry to say this. But Gynocentric society is still a distant dream in a country like India. Such slut walks with great women like ‘Poonam Pandey’ in lead will have no Buddha effect on men’s brain. Instead it will worsen your own image. And for India’s sake, stop considering Brinda Carat, Arundathi Roy and Shobaa De as saviors of womanhood.

Dressing: Quintessential slogans like “Change your mindset and not your clothes” look good only on your tees and face book status. We all know that the see through quotient of your dress is directly proportional to its price. And obviously you want to flaunt it. But what I’m truly not able to fathom is the necessity of young girls to show off their curves and voluptuous assets inside temples. Worst, parents encourage it. It would disturb even god. No matter where you are and what you are, you invite trouble, only trouble and more trouble by dressing provocatively. And you expect every man to be a gentle man.?? Phew..!!! It’s like expecting a wolf not to kill you just because you are a veggie. You wear what you like. Show off what you want to. But all it takes is a pinch of commonsense to decide where to wear, what.

Women have the flair for making money. You deserve it too. But that’s quite not enough. Without the flair for effectively using the money you’ve made, you’ll make a fool out of yourself. As Mumbai girls’ gear up for the “Besharmi morcha”, just 2000 km away in the Middle East desert, Women are contented, that they have been given rights to vote from 2015. Sigh.!!!

Image courtesy: ibnlive and automotivehorizon.

The wedlock and the deadlock

2011-09-25T08:29:00.001+05:30

Yahoo! I’m back in the city. The best thing that can ever happen to any Bangalorean is coming back to namma city from any part of Tamil Nadu. Frankly, Till now, I haven’t seen a Hindi speaking Madras-e. Keeping that aside and coming to the point, this time, I am very happy. It’s festive season in my friends' circle. All guys are losing their bachelors and girls, gaining their masters. Yes! All the buddy maklu’s in my gang are getting into conjugal bliss. And my worst fears have always come true. So I’m pretty sure this will happen to me sometime in the (near) future. But for now, I’m more than happy to see my friends crossing the quarter life crisis barrier (didn’t know this even existed, until one of my friend told me about it) happily and entering the zone of “You can’t envisage what”.

Although I couldn’t find anyone, this marriage gave me a great insight into marriages. At the same time, Khamba wrote about Relationship Limbos. Co incidence..??

You can LYAO, ROFL and LOL at it. But, if a bunch of IT guys are in the bachelor’s party this is what we end up discussing: It starts with Windows 8 developer beta and Steve Jobs stepping down as CEO and future of Apple. After sometime, it diverts collectively to marriage. Like this:

1. Marriage is not like your Application Development projects to code, test, deploy and forget. It’s rather an Application Maintenance project contracted for a lifetime.

2. It involves Incidents, Requests and Problems to solve.

3. You must know your error codes before executing your query.

4. You have to impress your clients, no matter how annoying they are (Told by the groom himself :)

5. Emergency fixes, backing out codes and performance tuning have to be done often to prevent it from abending (abnormal ending).

There was whole lot of other things we did. But owing to the great whether and the hopeless party materials you get in Chennai, this is all I could remember. But still, the bachelor’s party was ecstatic (Stop imagining :-)

I had never observed a marriage this closely. I was amazed at the energy levels of all the relatives and friends. With so much enthusiasm, they do all the things. But I’ve no idea why the hell do they forget the Groom. I felt really sorry for him. It is fun going to a marriage. But getting married… OMG! Not easy. No, No, No, No. not at all. And these are some of the bizarre and weird things I observed in the marriage. Read carefully. (Might help you also;-)

1. Marriage is definitely not “He tried, she smiled and the baby cried” story.

2. Never believe in Chetan Bhagat’s collective piece of shit on marriages– 2 States: The story of my marriage. Its more fictitious than he himself could possibly imagine.

3. If you think, your boss is more commanding, just wait for your marriage photographer.

4. Like ‘No break’ movies on Star Gold, you will have to fake a smile, for 2 days without break. Practice it.

5. If you can’t see your hard earned money being spent extravagantly and bountifully, eloping with your girlfriend would be the best option. Consequences at your own risk.

6. The dhoti you wear will make you more uncomfortable than your entire dehydration affliction put together. Please take necessary precautions.

7. If beautiful babes are not expected, inform your buddies, beforehand (We expect this!)

8. You’ll most certainly develop a hatred for music if there is any orchestra arranged for the evening.

9. If you are getting married in Chennai, for Amma’s sake

a) Book an air conditioned convention hall. Else, chances are that all women in the marriage hall will turn black and white. (with their actual color and make up washed out with sweat).

b) Along with invite, give a Kannada to Tamil Rapidex speaking course book.

c) Order catering from Saravana Bhavan (That’s the ONLY hotel in Chennai where humans can eat).

10. Put an end to your thinking that Career, Money and Fun are all 3 things that sums up for your happy living.

11. And above all and beyond everything,

Make sure you understand the 4^th Dimension, perhaps the most important of all values– “Relationship”

“YOUR” value in “OUR” country

2011-09-17T09:37:00.000+05:30

The phrase “History repeats” holds very well in India. Ironically, an incident, even before becoming history, repeats in India. Blasts, scams, train accidents, air crash, everything! That too not just once or twice, but several times. Yes…!!! Fate in India seems to have a disclaimer “To be continued…”

Ambulance in traffic jams: This is almost everyday sight to me. The “who cares” attitude of our fellow motorists has reached heights. When there is an ambulance stuck in traffic, everyone starts honking so loudly, as if they’re concerned and worried, but no one moves. The honking decibel gain is so much (I know you’re one of the honkers) that the siren goes unheard. No one moves thinking it’s just the motorists composing some tunes. End result – The ambulance becomes the Vaikunta Yatra vehicle. And you, the traffic cop..?? I know you’ve bribed to get this job. But at least when someone’s life is at stake, shut the fuck up and do your duty. How easily you zoom through the traffic while dropping off your loved ones to their destination on the pulsar given to you. Make some way for the ambulance also. Or did they ask you a lakh more to train you on how to stop vehicles?

Train accidents: Like in a Hollywood flick, trains keep on ramming each other, that too, head on. And people sleeping inside are put to sleep forever. I can bet you the frequency of train accidents in India is more than Siddharth Mallya brushing his teeth. This, I say, is the result of hiring all the local bastards who can’t even speak the national language. You say Teri Maa and they’ll hear it teriyuma: Talking to a TC in any of the Chennai-Bangalore train is nothing less than a trauma. Thanks to the “great” reservations in Indian railway jobs. What happened yesterday night is the 3^rd major rail mishap in past 2 months. But which fucking railway minister has taken measures to learn from mistakes? “One of the World’s largest railway network”, “World’s largest Employer” with a rich “150 years of experience”, Indian Railways does not have simple technology in place to stop two trains when they run on the same track. This, if I’m not wrong, is a simple high school science project. And Congress talks of austerity and Rahul Gandhi travels in Jan Shatabdi. What a political game show..??

Bomb Blasts: I really don’t have to tell you anything about this. Mall, train, Market and now in high court also…!! Where else is aam aadmi safe? I remember Naseeruddin Shah’s dialog in a famous movie. “Rathore sahab mujhe yakin hai ki jo train blast huye wo sirf ek terrorist activity nahi thi, wo ek bahut bada saawal tha, aur wo sawaal ye tha ki “Bhai hum to tumhe isi tarah marenge, tum kya kar loge??” Yes, they asked us this Question on a Friday and repeated it on Tuesday”. But unfortunately, we are still waiting to reply on a Wednesday..!!! What has Mr. P Chidambaram done, every time a bomb blast occurred, other than giving death statistics to media? 11/7, 26/11, 13/7, 7/9… The list is going on and on and on. How many more of these dates do we need to remember..?? While our leaders are so occupied creating a scam out of soldier’s bulletproof jackets, Kasab, Afzal Guru and many others are partying hard in prison. Murugan grabbed the free fuck offer from visiting wife Nalini. (Onam gift from congress?) Raja, Kanimozhi, Kalmadi and Janardhana Reddy are practicing the group song “Main karun to saala, character dheela hai” to perform in the Gandhi Jayanti celebrations. Wow! I think the movie ‘A Wednesday’ would have made more or rather perfect sense if there were these people in place of terrorists.

With all these happenings, what do you think is the “value” of your life, in India? Well, if you’re counting your assets and bank balance sheets, I’m really sorry. Tragically, it’s nothing more than a death compensation ranging from 50,000 to a lakh (Hoping that middle men don’t pocket in at least this). Because you never know when and where you’ll run out of luck. It makes me sad to say that “Life” has such cheap value in this great country.

After all, what difference does it make to them, if a mere 100 is lessened in the midst of a billion people?

ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು

2011-09-09T17:04:00.001+05:30

ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು

ಮೆಟ್ಟಿ ದರೆ IT ಮಣ್ಣ ಮೆಟ್ಟಬೇಕು

ಬದುಕಿದು ಜಟಕಾ ಬಂಡಿ

ಇದು ನಾವ್ ತೋಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರೋ ಗುಂಡಿ

ಬದುಕಿದು ಜಟಕಾ ಬಂಡಿ

ಇದು ನಾವ್ ತೋಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರೋ ಗುಂಡಿ

|| ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ||

C # ನಲ್ ಕೋಡಿಂಗ್ ಮಾಡು

QTP ಲ್ ಟೆಸ್ಟಿಂಗ್ ಮಾಡು

ಡೆಡ್ ಲೈನು ಬಂತು ಅಂದ್ರೆ

ಸಿಕ್ ಲೀವು ಹಾಕಿ ಓಡು.

ಆನ್ ಸೈಟು, US UK

ಬಾಳಲ್ಲಿ ಒಮ್ಮೆ ನೋಡು

ಡಾಲರು ಪೌಂಡ್ ಜೊತೆ

ರುಪಾಯಿ ನ ತೂಕ ಮಾಡು

ಕೋಡ್ ಮಾಡಕ್ ಕೋಟಿ ಭಾಷೆ

ಮರ್ತ್ ಹೋಯ್ತು ಕನ್ನಡ ಭಾಷೆ

ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷೇ, ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷೇ... ಎಲ್ಲೆಲ್ಲೂ ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷೇ

|| ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ||

ಡೇಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ಭೂಮಿ ಇದು

ಔಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ಸ್ವರ್ಗ ಇದು

ಮೇಕ್ ಅಪ್ ಗೆ ಶಾಲೆ ಇದು

ಬ್ರೇಕ್ ಅಪ್ ಗೆ ಪೀಠ ಇದು.

ಮೀಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ಕಲ್ಪ ಇದು

ರೇಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ತಲ್ಪ ಇದು

Traffic Jam ಗೋಳು ಇದು

ನೆಮ್ಮದಿನೆ ಹಾಳು ಇದು

Microsoft, Apple ನಿಂದ,

Infosys, Wipro ಇಂದ

ಕನ್ನಡ ಕನ್ನಡ.. ಹಾಳಾಯ್ತು ನಮ್ ಕನ್ನಡ..

|| ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ||

Defect ನ ಬೆನ್ನು ಹತ್ತಿ

Infinite loopu ಸುತ್ತಿ

Fix ಅನ್ನು ಕೊಟ್ಟ ಮೇಲೂ

Email e ನಮಗೆ ಮೇಲು.

NRN ಕಂಡ ನಮಗೆ

Bill Gates ಯಾಕೆ ಬೇಕು

Premji ನ ಕಂಡ ನಮಗೆ

Steve Jobs ಯಾಕೆ ಬೇಕು

ಮುಂದಿನ ನನ್ನ ಜನುಮ code ಮಾಡಿದಂತೆ ಬ್ರಹ್ಮ

ಇಲ್ಲಿಯೇ ಇಲ್ಲಿಯೇ..

ಎಂದೆಂದಿಗೂ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿಯೇ...!!!!

|| ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು, ಮೆಟ್ಟಿ ದರೆ IT ಮಣ್ಣ ಮೆಟ್ಟಬೇಕು..

ಬದುಕಿದು ಜಟಕಾ ಬಂಡಿ, ಇದು ನಾವ್ ತೋಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರೋ ಗುಂಡಿ ||

ಈ ಬ್ಲಾಗ್ ಪೋಸ್ಟ್ ಕೇವಲ ಮನೋರಂಜನೆಗಾಗಿ ಮಾತ್ರ. ಯಾವುದೇ ಘಟನೆ, ವ್ಯಕ್ತಿ ಅಥವ ಅವರ ಕೆಲಸಗಳನ್ನು ಅವಲಂಬಿಸಿರುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಹಾಗೇನಾದರೂ ಇದ್ದಲ್ಲಿ ಅದು ಕಾಕತಾಳೀಯವಷ್ಟೇ. ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಕನ್ನಡ ನಾಡಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು ಈ ಮಧುರ ಹಾಡನ್ನು ಬರೆದ ಹಂಸಲೇಖ ರವರಿಗೂ ಅದನ್ನು ಹಾಡಿದ ಡಾ|| ರಾಜ್ ರವರಿಗೂ ನನ್ನ ಹೃದಯಪೂರ್ವಕ ನಮನಗಳು.

ಚಿತ್ರ ಕೃಪೆ: ಗೂಗಲ್.ಕಾಮ್

An open letter to Anna Hazare

2011-08-24T21:16:00.001+05:30

Dear Annaji,

I was really pleased to see this post of my friend on facebook. “Thanks to Anna.. Indian media has not taken notice of the whitewash”. If Indian MEDIA has accepted that there is something more important than Cricket, then I just couldn’t fathom the Impact! Perhaps, no Indian could. Hats off to you, Annaji .!!! You have done what none of Amma, Appa or Akka could do in past 50+ years... Bringing us together. Take a bow.

For a blasphemous political party who singlehandedly ruled the nation for 50 years, you’ve single handedly taught them a lesson. I’m very proud of the fact that after ages, you’ve made them bite their nails. I’m even more proud to say that, some of them, panic stricken after reading your version of Jan lokpal, bit their fingers in anxiety. For a party that has Price Rise, terrorism and scams in their agenda, you’ve made them realize that a common man is always mightier than a congress man.

And who has cast the magic spell of “Protest” in our people..??? Who has helped us realize our true resilience..??? From Ramlila maidan to Azad maidan, Freedom Park to JP Park, grounds to gullies, mails to messages… anywhere and everywhere, the support you got was just momentous and you deserved it. We appreciate it wholeheartedly. I feel that we, Indians (feeling contented to use this word on this instance) exhibited the meaning of unity in all the possible way. Indian youth now seem to understand that there is more than just ‘I’ in Indian. From the past 2-3 days, I’m pretty convinced that we are ONE small nation of JUST a billion people. I salute you.

But what makes me sad is that, while prominent leaders like Kiran Bedi, Shanti and Prashant Bhushan, Santosh Hegde and lot of others are working for a cause, there are some anti social elements like Arundathi Roy, Mahesh Bhatt, some brainless Dalit leaders and stupid maulvis, who are campaigning against your ‘crusade against corruption’. I’m not sure if they even have the faintest idea of what team Anna is fighting for. May be they want to get noticed or trying to seek attention and become a celebrity overnight (Arundathi Roy has tried it every time, but failed miserably). To hell with those dumb witted opportunists. I guess Public is taking care of them giving them what they deserve. All the masterminds who’ve been altering all the anti corruption bills according to their necessities and requirements are now shitting in their pants, because your Jan lokpal bill has no flaw in the law.

While the Nation is seeing a Gandhi in you, what the corrupted netas see in you is a Yamraj who they can’t even bribe. You keep uniting all of us. We are all thankful to you and every true Indian is proud of you. Take care of your health. On behalf of a billion Indians, I wish you all the very best for your… oops... . our endeavor. Let the bill change from Jokepal to Lokpal.

“Lage Raho Anna Bhai”

PS: Amidst all these, one thing I really feel bad is that the “WALL” Dravid’s excellent performance going unnoticed. I really feel sad for him. But I’m sure he’s optimistic enough to understand what is more important.

(Image credit: Google and Ganguly Reddy)

The way of Life called “Week-end”

2011-08-20T23:54:00.000+05:30

week•end (w-k-nd' )

noun

The end of the week, especially the period from Friday evening through Sunday evening.

This is the dictionary meaning of the word ‘week-end’. But for how many of us it’s just this..?? In the corporate world, week-end is not just the end of week. It’s rejuvenation time, time for a long ride, time to read newspaper, it’s time to go home, time to talk to your own family, time to get a haircut, time to attend CAT/GMAT coaching classes, time to play, sleep, shop, have sex and what not..?? To put it simply, weekend, for most of us, has become a way of life.

The corporate weekend theorem states that “The expression on software engineer’s face on a Monday morning and a Friday evening is never identical”. Monday through Friday, we think of the weekend, dream of it and wait for it. When it actually arrives, we start thinking of Monday’s work and spoil it. I’ve seen my friends switching off their mobile phones over the weekend just because of the fear of receiving a call from their managers. Once I myself bluffed my boss about a weekend outing plan to avoid Sunday work and spent the entire weekend in trepidation of being spotted by colleagues.

Initially, I used to find it really funny when my friends at workplace said “Happy Weekend”. Oh dear lord.. Happy Weekend..??? It sounded weird. But now, things have changed and I’m a part of the system. The “Happy weekend” robotically comes out of my mouth on a Friday evening, with a one hundred percent fake, moron smile on my face. But somewhere deep inside, it makes me sad to think of the fact that I’m no more a fun loving guy who had the endearing flair for mimicry and a cracking sense of humor to make people laugh. Today, I’m just a decaying corporate employee marooned in the mediocrity, slogging in office as well as traffic jams for hours together.

What a paradox. Have you ever wondered why a Government employee never wishes their colleagues a ‘Happy Week-end? We’re so much accustomed and habituated to reach deadline (I hate this ‘holy word’) that we forget everything that was supposed to be done on a weekday; we keep everything for the weekend. Almost everything. Well, I don’t want to talk about how to get rid of your intellectual rubbish, how to spend more time with your family and such nonsense crap. Just open your mailbox and you’ll find 100s of such shitty lectures over there.

But just think of it. When we retire and look through our life’s rear view mirrors, nobody will recall how many lines you’ve coded in a project or how many bugs you have found in a release. You are remembered for the silly things you did, a stupid PJ that you cracked or a team outing that was fun filled. So just stop being a workaholic and think of a way to laugh and make others laugh too.

By the way, my company has declared a holiday on Monday too. So I’m freed from this week’s installment of Monday blues. I wish you all, a loooooong, Happy, happy weekend…!!!!

P.S: This post is an outcome of getting choked in my office shuttle, on a Friday evening, in the middle of a 2 hour long traffic jam and my friend who couldn’t bear it, got out and said HAPPY WEEKEND..!!!

Spare the footpath please..

2011-08-05T18:45:00.001+05:30

No issues at office. No traffic jams on my way back. Wow..!!! I had a good day. Or I thought so. As I got down from the bus and started walking back home, I heard someone honking and abusing me to give me way. I turned and it was a two wheeler rider. I told him that this is footpath. He started arguing with me. He asked me “is there any rule that says we can’t ride on footpath”. Well, that’s it. My adrenaline went so high that I wanted to lift the bike along with him and throw it as far as I could, some superhero way. But I could only yell and scream at him. Lucky him. And the good day that I thought of just a few minutes ago, was out of my mind.

Sadly, Bangalore is full of such great, thoughtful riders and drivers with an incredible traffic sense..!! People are killed on roads by the award winning, licensed to kill BMTC drivers. Any accident in Bangalore, an auto driver, for sure is directly/indirectly involved. F1 drivers turned call center cab drivers, 24/7 panic stricken female drivers… with all these people around, road safety has no meaning in Bangalore.

BDA is doing a great job by widening the roads. They just forget to restore the footpath after widening is done. Forget road safety. It is out of question. If at all there is footpath in Bangalore, which in itself is a great thing (Thanks to BWSSB, BSNL, and KPTCL for the work they do). If at all there is a footpath, this is what you’ll find on it.

a) Roadside canteens

b) Paan shops
c) Self proclaimed smoking zones

d) Innerwear and pirated novel vendors

e) Bus shelters
f) Cars parked

And now, two wheelers in action. Pedestrians are horrified, walking with their heart in their mouth.

No wonder Bangalore is growing beyond imaginations. Phew…!!! Who could imagine vehicles on footpath elsewhere in the world..?? According to a survey by Secon Pvt. ltd., Bangalore’s Accident Severity Index (number of fatalities per 100 accidents) is 11.85 with 4500+ legal traffic violations everyday!

Our traffic cops are too busy blocking the roads and making the way for our politicians, accepting 100 bucks from every fellow motorist for the services they offer, great job. Take a bow traffic cops..!!! B-TRAC, a whopping 350 crore project (I’m wondering if they spent all money on just B-TRAC signboards) couldn’t provide enough roads for two wheelers that they’ve started using pedestrian footpaths.

Coming to you, dear rider, what the hell is wrong with you..??? Countryside dumb fucking shit head moron.. How can you ride on footpath? For god’s sake. IT IS FOOTPATH. F.O.O.T.P.A.T.H. How much time do you think you can save by taking footpath? 10 seconds, 30 seconds… a minute..??? On road, you do what you want. Wheeling, wheel spin, honk, Knock, park, pee, fuck, suck…. Whatever you want to. At least leave the footpath for pedestrians alone. Instead of hospital or graveyard, let them reach home.

The aftermath of Namma Metro

2011-07-01T22:16:00.000+05:30

Some are delighted, some are cursing and others like me and you are plainly watching it. What more can we do? By the way, I’m talking about Namma Metro work that is going on almost everywhere in the city. Yeddi is cursing BMRCL for postponing the inauguration of phase 1 more than 3 times. Please excuse him. He was unaware that Metro needs safety clearances and approvals. He probably might have imagined the inauguration to be just like waving off those new Volvo buses in front of Vidhana Soudha. Damn those BMRCL engineers who didn’t put in the picture to him! And R Ashok is frowning that Metro doesn’t fall under his line of control.

Nevertheless, let’s hope that it’ll be launched at least by next Ugadi. I was just thinking some of the key areas that BMRCL might have ignored in order to keep the Metro, as Metro. I imagined Namma Metro strictly from a Bangalore’s local commuter standpoint. And I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. Within a week or a month of its launch, the Metro would go up! from a “Metro” standard to “Namma” standard. Here is how:

Coaches:

All the corners of the metro coach is going to be turned to dark red color (I don’t know the exact shade), proud contributions by all manickchand and pan parag lovers of our city. BMRCL can save some bucks if they leave the coaches unpainted.
The interiors of the coaches will be crafted by our fellow heart failed architects and designers. You’ll get to see I love you Archana, Vijay loves Swati.. and so on (carved with coins, compass and what not..) in all the coaches. Oh No.!!! The tagline “Har safar mein kahaani hai” is patented by Tata Magic. Poor BMRCL.
You’ll find the labels of “Piles and Fistula clinic by Dr. Mehboob Khan and Dastagir Khan”, “Earn extra income part time/full time” and “Musli Power Capsules” on the body, window and every other possible place of the coach.

Stations:

Metro doesn’t pass through most of our vicinities. As always, you’ll have to take a BMTC or an auto to come to a metro station. The rest is self explanatory. In case you take car/bike, you’ll have to shell out more money than your whole journey to park your vehicle. If the parking fee is minimal, then you’ll find no place. Double the trouble for you.
All the beggars in front of the station will have very high expectations (more than your managers) on you since you’re a “metro” traveler!!!
The rest rooms in the stations, within no time will be upgraded to the standards of those in Kempegowda Bus stand.

Politics:

Ka. Ra. Ve will stage a protest to demand that one of the stations be named after Kempegowda. JD(S) will say one should have name of Devegowda. T. A Narayana Gowda, Sadananda Gowda will come into picture andfinally it'll not be named after any gowda.
Pramila Nesargi will file a PIL that there should be dedicated coaches for ladies to Vidhana Soudha on weekdays.
________________________ (This is intentionally left blank and will be edited once something interesting happens (I’m very much certain something WILL come up)

If you really think you can manage with above things, you’ll be assured a safe, free from traffic and a happy journey. But above all, what I really, really expect with the arrival of Namma Metro, is that, people don’t get a chance to give one universal reason for all their hopeless time management skills.. “Traffic Jam”

P.S: If you find a metro coach seat in Sunday Bazaar or Shivajinagar gujri or someone’s home in Tannery road, please don’t panic. It’s just that you can never ever under estimate a fellow Bangalorean.

Top 5 most annoying things on facebook

2011-05-23T22:05:00.000+05:30

This post needs no introduction. So I’m directly diving into the topic. Haven’t you ever, at least once, felt Facebook’s going nowhere..??? Other than the fact that it’s giving publicity to my blog, I’ve been losing interest in it, big time. I pondered what the reasons are and I found many. Here is the Top 5.

5. The about Me’s: “I’m the coolest Virgo/The most adventurous Piscean....”
Who the hell wants to know your sun sign..?? You’ve mentioned you date of birth. That’s more than enough. You tell your sun sign and you want us to figure out what it is..?? Holy shit.. Do you think we are CID Pradhyuman’s fans to go into that much of detail..??? And what about writing dialogs and song excerpts? Who the hell you think you are..?? Anand Bakshi..?? Gulzar..?? Or Wordsworth..??? You should be ashamed of yourself..

4. The Likes and the Super Likes: Someone says something good; I appreciate that you are appreciating it. You like it and comment it saying super like. Why, Why, Why..??? “Like” was an out of the box concept. Please let it be.. Mr. Zukerberg is not considering of including Super like, Ultra Like, Mega Like, Bumper Like, Solid Like and so on.. Please stop using those short lived super likes..!! Its irritating.

3. Tagging you: It’s so common for me to wake up on a weekend to find whopping 45-50 notifications on my profile because some moron would have tagged me in a stupid flower vase image or a digitized “god knows what it is” image and everyone (literally) in his/her friend list has commented, liked, super liked on it. Some even commented why I am not tagged. God knows which asylum these taggers come from, but hell, it’s annoying to the core. Please tag me, only if my bloody face is visible in the image. (I’m crying.. :-()

2. “Checking In”: This is the latest and the dumbest buzz on facebook. You checked into a hotel. Good. You checked out of airport, Great. You checked into a brothel. Fantastic..!!! But who the hell told you that you can check in and out of your own home, Moron..??? We can’t take it... WE REALLY CAN’T TAKE 365 (or if you go home 10 times, that’s a fucking 3650) check ins and check outs on our wall. Please spare us. Till this second, I’m only glad to have not seen someone checked in and out of Toilet on my wall. Thank heavens.!!!!

1. And Finally, the most irritating
a) Sindhu’s Chickens are mighty and hungry and need to be fed.
b) Meera Raghavan wants to share a bunch of beautiful electric roses
c) Sandy’s pig found a brown truffle on your farm
d) Do you think Tejaswi is Gay..???
e) Is Deepthi Hathwar sexy..???

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Oops. Did that remind you of Himesh..?? I’m very sorry. But Nooooooooooooooo. I’m really, terribly, awkwardly upset because of these kinds of updates on my wall. Fuck off. FUCK OOOOOOFFFFFF..!!! Who on earth creates such applications..?? What on earth will make you think you’ve to use this app..??? I say CIA should’ve included those creators and users of these apps in the hit list, with Osama. Use your brains, at least occasionally, pleeeeease.

Rest, facebook is good, fun and “THE” thing to keep in touch with your buddies and know what’s up with them. Now that I’ve told you all these, please don’t take revenge on me by posting the above on my wall. Happy facebooking.. :o)