Expect nothing and live frugally by surprise

My parents do not have a conscience anymore. Thanks to Alzheimer’s. They do not hesitate to say it all; saying all the stupid, obvious, nauseating things that conscience keeps most people from saying. With experience, I have come to terms with the fact that when people who know their condition do not give a damn, why would others. And this, of late, has upset me. So, of late, I am confined to my house and do not visit anyone or do not encourage anyone visiting home. With all the chaos at home, I no longer know - is home the place we run to or is it the place we run from. But this time, I had to fulfil a long pending visit to one of my father’s childhood friends. It was with the exact same fear, that I decided to visit him. But what unfolded there was a totally “Ok Zoomer” moment for me.

To give you a bit of background, Subbanna uncle and my father are friends for 60+ years now. They were childhood neighbours in a small town, grew up in the same locality, went to same school, same college and started working at the neighbouring PSUs in the same town. There was this disconnect when my father got transferred to Bangalore in the late 70s, but they still managed to keep up the friendship until last few years with a couple of must do annual visits. Fast forward to post covid era and they both have their own health concerns bothering them. With a lot of preparation and hesitation, I took my father to Subbanna uncle’s home yesterday.

After seeing my father going through his hallucinations often, it was a totally different, sane and happy version of him that I got to see yesterday. There was a momentary air of hesitation. But once they opened up, they spoke at length on the time they spent together in their childhood, the cinema they watched together and the books they read. I came to know only yesterday that my father had written a play which they enacted in one of the cultural events in college! They made a few phone calls to their other friends and planned another possible meet-up. Vishvanath uncle joined on phone, Subbanna uncle’s brother, Ramu, who is 88, came over with the help of a walker and joined the conversation. I so wanted to include him also in the pics I clicked, but couldn't ask him to get up and move again. They spoke on their gang's nick names and he recalled how my father was called as "Walking Dictionary" in office in those days. He recalled my father’s impeccable writing and asked if his handwriting was still that legit. They recalled watching movies at a nearby talkies and their club visits, my granny’s culinary skills and many other topics. I was really happy to see my father enjoying the company. I think this visit was precisely what my father wanted – A wing of change to socialize with real people.

Subbanna uncle had spoken to his brother who is a Neuro specialist, about my father’s condition and had gathered some tips to give me to take better care of my father. He was so confident that my father’s condition can be reversed or the progression be delayed, to say the least with those Dos and Don’ts. From Music to Medicine, every word of advice he gave me was echoing the concern he had for my father. I could recall him exclaiming to me at least 20 times, “See – He remembers!!”

I was silently witnessing all this, seeing a momentary happiness in my father’s otherwise lonely, deaf and hallucinating world; my mind comparing Subbanna uncle with all the people I reached out to, for help, to overcome my situation and the naive reasons they gave to abstain and the pretense they displayed. This was the “Expect Nothing.. Live frugally by surprise” moment for me. I’m so contented that in tonight’s dreams, the very Alzheimer’s disease, will sing to me, a rhapsody of illusory marvel that lightens up my heart and fill my brain with an intoxicating amount of dopamine, healing all the wounds of a man who is witnessing his parents deteriorating right in front of him.

I realized one thing today - When you keep up meaningful relationships in life, it can have benefits beyond lifting your spirits. The benefit of true friendship is really immeasurable.

I started my car only to see that even with all the difficulty to walk, Subbanna uncle walking up to us, stood beside my car window, shook hands with his old friend for good ten minutes and said goodbye. On a normal day, I’d yell at everyone for delaying boarding the car stating fuel price, but today, I wanted the engine to roar silently for a few more hours!

You Fatso – The story of my paunch

I have finally realized that my no longer tacit reserves of cholesterol and its self-disclosing revelations by degrees, articulating themselves to thrust all the time and often deftly, cannot be hidden anymore. After the pretty lady doctor in namma metro seated and facing right at my torso for an entire minute and gave me that “how can there be so much disparity between your rumen and reticulum.. You fatso” look, I have accepted that my paunch has overdone all my efforts to keep it under control. Today, I have lost hopes that somehow someday, my tummy will be back to normal shape. Its time I came to terms with it. My wife chiding me of late by asking “yesht tingalu” (how many months) is actually the purest intended sarcasm which I could not even figure it out. Goddammit! **sobs uncontrollably**

Early warning signs:

Your stomach - before it metamorphoses to belly and eventually a potbelly; will actually send early warning signals. You should actually be smart enough to take notice and act on it, which I totally failed at. For e.g. while bathing I accidentally ran my hand on the precipice underneath my navel and could not recall of its whereabouts just a year ago.  While it was totally serious, the element of surprise died as soon as I walked out of the bathroom and looked at the full length mirror in the room. I just did not even realize how whataybaby rested so easily even with my weak grip around his waist.  Why would I automatically become conscious of breathing while posing for a picture? Oh dude! It all falls in place now! How I wish I could go back and change it now! But my dear friend, time is something that you can’t own and revisit.

Ga-Ga over Yoga

Of all the attempts to get rid of my paunch, the first one was joining Yoga at workplace. The way I took off doing 108 Suryanamaskars at one go was the epitome of happiness. I thought, at this rate, my belly fat will just melt away. But later I learnt that it was just one time gimmick to celebrate international Yoga day and next sessions were full of asanas which I could barely do in right way because of my potbelly coming in between. Even after 4 weeks, I did not see any noticeable changes. Heartbroken on how Yoga did not help me shed even a few kilos around my waist; I blamed Baba Ramdev wholeheartedly, my mind started exaggerating my C5-C6 disk herniation to hyperbolic degrees. To aid my decision, god sent a thief to office who stole my Yoga Mat. Yoga ended with a perpetual loss of 300 bucks without burning an ounce of fat around my waist.  

Desperate attempts:

The next attempt was so infallible that it just couldn’t go wrong at all! No prizes for guessing! It was buying a fit-bit band. IT IS NOT FUNNY how I convinced myself that the better results you see with your eyes, the more you’ll be motivated to exercise. I also vaguely recalled one of my friends telling me about the bio feedback bullshit which compelled me to buy it. The first couple of weeks were so good that with completing 10,000 steps, I already started imagining that my jeans pants had loosened up a little. That night I dreamt of a six-pack abs just by wearing a fit-bit band and walking around. But even this fascination didn’t last long. Just a week after that, I realized that when I was asleep during my entire 14 hour journey from Dubai to Chicago, the step count had reached 8500. WTF man! With sheer disappointment, I waved my hands at air hostess only to realize that the step counter again jumped another 3 steps. The dejection I experienced at 35000 feet was just unfathomable. Fit-bit was pure shit-bit!

A friend in need is a friend in deed

By now, I had zeroed in on the root cause. The actual problem was that I did not have an exercising 

partner/friend. Exercising with friends can make it more fun and increase the probability of sticking to an exercising routine. So I and Shashi meticulously worked out a plan. We decided to compromise our sleep by an hour and go to Turahalli every morning for a run. The last resort of shedding my potbelly had perfectly taken off to a head start. This time, it worked like charm. We got used to a routine. 4 km of walk/run in the forest, bitching about stupid bosses at workplace, talking about Data, Mobile, analytics, cloud and debating the Indian political Diaspora; getting to witness the ostentatious displays of peacock’s beautiful feathers to attract the peahens; Oh the bliss!  Alas, just as we started shedding few kilos, Shashi had to travel to USA for three months. And the Turahalli chapter saw a dismal ending. But the question “Kya aap paunch vi pass se tezz hain” still remained.

Within a few months, buddy maga Bali shifted to my apartment. But the damage was already done. In this two month gap, my paunch had thrived on the Bajji-Bondas, Death by Chocolate and all the possible junk which had Buy one Get One offer in D-mart. To add to it was my eternal craving for rice. With the little bit of motivation left, we decided to run 5K, only on the weekends. Our wives made fun of it so candidly. We took it as a challenge. We just took it. We couldn't do a thing about it. because of inexplicably mysterious problems. It was very evident that the entire universe was acting in unison to stop my belly fat from shedding. It was sort of anti incumbency experienced by my stomach. The more I tried to exercise, the larger it grew in size.

Epilogue

I was pounding down the bajji-bonda little hesitantly. Abhi read my mind and gave me a piece of advice: “Macha, don’t think too much. Don't stop eating a food just because it contains fat, and never think a food is healthy only because it does not contain fat. That was the moment my mind was waiting for. Even before he could complete, my mind raced ahead of time and convinced myself with a variety of reasons. A doctoral student from IISc saying this has to make perfect sense.

A great man once said that belly is actually a sign of happiness; And yeah! Beyond your good health nothing matters. Happiness starts in the stomach. Above all, fat reserves are important for the body.

I am driving back home and Fat Boy Slim’s “Eat sleep rave repeat” is playing aloud in my car.

Men are from SLRs, Women are from selfies

I had read about disasters caused with the whims of selfies, but had ignored it as usual social exaggeration. But after looking at the number of people indulging in selfies in so odd ways, I started realizing that it is not an overstatement at all. I don’t think any other social problem has affected the mental health of tech savvy population as severely as Selfie Obsession. I’m not going to argue if men take more selfies or woman. It is much more than just numbers because both men and women do it habitually these days. Of late, I’ve seen lots of female photographers travelling around with their DSLRs clicking stunning pictures. But photography has remained andro-centric to a large extent. On the other side, selfies are becoming gyno-centric and the female population is over dramatizing it.  With selfies, I’ve seen more occasions of narcissism displayed by women than men. Yeah! I said Narcissism because I’ve seen girls craving for selfies. It has become a decree among the group of teenage girls who endorse it. It has become the symbol of vanity for young women.

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This incident happened in Jaipur’s Jantar Mantar. I was busy trying to capture the best of the monument and beside me was a group of people. The guide, out of pure passion, was explaining the astronomical design principles of Indians in 17^th century and the affluence of ancient Hindu Sanskrit texts used in astronomy.  A lady in the group, out of blues, came to him and said “bhaiya ek minute ruko na please” (which translates to “please give us a minute”) and started searching something in her hand bag. I thought she was about to make notes. But to my surprise, she took out her phone, selfie stick and started taking selfies with other girls. I was shocked! I could not fathom how self obsessed and egocentric could she get. So much sham for just a pic of yours? I could not comprehend the fact that she has travelled thousands of miles to do nothing but take selfies. I just kept thinking; to what extent this selfie craze has rid humans of common sense.

Bipasha Basu with Pout selfie

In the same trip, the perturbation caused to me by my wife to take selfies was so much that my DSLR was just hanging in there for major part of the trip. From then on, I was just trying to keep a tab on things around me. Surprisingly, almost in every tourist attraction of Rajasthan, except the newlyweds and a “couple” of exception, the guys in the groups were trying to experiment with their cameras & mobile phones but the girls were busy taking selfies in whatsoever way. Back at home, when my other friends asked us how the trip was, my wife accused me of not taking enough selfies! By enough, she means posing and clicking until the perfect one is clicked. Her idea of a perfect Selfie is the one which is taken with everyone’s cranky and grumpy expression of utmost annoyance in order to make everyone look sexy and attractive. And if the place of interest is even faintly visible, that is great!

A popular meme on selfie narcissism by women

If you hate posing for selfies, you’d understand this. I don’t know what is more annoying than posing for selfies in public places. Taking a selfie is another thing altogether. At any given point of time, I can either make a face or concentrate. I am still trying to figure out how girls concentrate and smile at the same time easily. Most of the selfies posted on social media according to me is pretence. And the pretence comes with different filters to make it look even more pretence. Selfies by female celebrities with pout has reached all time heights. Damsels posting selfies with taglines like “hating me doesn’t make you pretty” and “phew.. I thought I wasn’t pretty anymore” are pretty common on my Instagram feed.

Posing for selfie isn't easy

I am trying my best not to be gender biased. But just look around and closely observe the female selfie enthusiasts. We all have that one girl in the group who changes whatsapp DP every day. A woman’s make-up time has increased because of selfies, says a survey. Do you know that selfies have sent sale of make-up kits soaring in the UK? Isn’t it is very apparent that selfie obsession can be correlated to all the possible narcissistic qualities in a woman; Vanity, cocky, self admiration and excessively conceited? Trying to be cocky in public places is totally annoying. I’ve seen that they scoff at the notion of Dos and Don’ts and continue taking selfies. The amount of vanity they exhibit… Ugh! Both on social media and real time, too much of vanity is utterly irksome. The internet is full of stories like “people who died tragically taking selfies”, “selfie accidents” and “selfie disasters”.  I truly believe that these are just the consequences of narcissism reaching dangerous levels.

Selfie while driving can be very dangerous!

It doesn’t come as a surprise to me that Russian internal ministry released a “selfie safety guide”. Tourism departments across the world are adding selfie sticks to the “Not allowed” category. I’m not saying that we should stop taking selfies. If you like it, please do it. Occasional selfies are good. Even deviating from the standard social custom and defining your own uber-cool is also acceptable. But please watch out. There are more modest things that you could have done at the moment instead of taking a selfie. Your social media feeds are not for yourself. It is watched by virtuous people too and you need to respect them. Mothers who take selfies everywhere are unknowingly teaching their kids nonsense. Imperfection at times is okay and that also is a way of life. You are not obligated to tell the world, from a restroom, that you look sexy. There are better places to do that. Please be wary and take heed. Because…..

Your self respect is always of a high decorum compared to your Selfie respect. 

Image credits: indiatimes, pinterest and time

Pro tips for friends who are getting married

I woke up to a whopping 65 anniversary wishes on WhatsApp. A friend who got married just before me celebrated first anniversary which reminded me that it has been almost a year since I lost my bachelorhood. I’m tensed. The “what to gift wife for the first anniversary” trepidation is slowly pitching in (Please text me if you have ideas that has worked). So I’m taking a transient detour from the Tourist In my own city series and writing this.

Frankly, I was very much apprehensive before marriage. Even the thought of post marriage left me with a wicked onset of social anxiety and a weird, unexplainable exasperation. People in my close circle always said that I’m a responsible man and you’ll be alright. But I couldn’t agree a bit. Today, I’m indeed a very happy man. But the transition from being a happy go lucky, careless bloke to a man of responsibilities has not been a smooth ride! I somehow, have successfully reached a position where I can proudly say that “I’m the boss in this house (And I have my wife’s permission to say so)” ;)

With many of my closest friends getting ready for marriage and I being the senior with almost a year of “marriage” experience, have realized that there’s a funny edge to it too. And I firmly believe that there is no delight in owning anything unshared. So here are some of the pro tips to all my buddy maklus who are getting married.

Never, ever say “I have good news”

I once got a chance to represent my company in one of the conferences abroad. Just like any other husband/son; I naturally said “I have good news”. I wasn’t aware of the fact that definition of “good news” after marriage is the “you know what it is” good news in Indian context. When my mom and granny came to know what the actual (good?) news is, they felt so disheartened (is that all… types), that nobody spoke to me for next couple of days.

Make a point in your mind; after marriage, even if you win a lottery worth million dollars or become the CEO of a company, IT IS NOT GOOD NEWS.

Say “YES” to dowry

This is one of the biggest mistakes I did. I was a gentleman (or I thought so) and didn’t even bring the topic of dowry up. Result was devastating. The amount of time and effort spent by me to get my wife some of the basic necessities to lead a happy life; I can write a book on it titled “My Life.. My wife & My Struggles”. Just because I did not stand up for my rights, I had to take a lot of pain.

So friends, never ever say NO to dowry. Don’t struggle after marriage. After all, dowry is for her own good. Don’t have a second thought in your mind and ASK for these basic necessities as dowry.

•     Passport with at least 8 years of validity.
•       Address proof (YOUR HOME only)
•        Marriage certificate
•       Her Bank account transferred to your nearest branch (This takes priority if she’s from another city)

Say it.. If you love your car

For all of us who didn’t have girl-friends before marriage, we all can’t enamour enough of our own car. Well, that’s before marriage story. After marriage, your wife, with the purest intentions of learning how to drive, will whip it like a bullock-cart, whack it and drives it through the mire. According to her, it is perfectly normal because she is learning how to drive. But that’s different. You’ll feel like driving to a lonely place, hug your car and shed tears to the max. But you can’t do this because you’ll have to accompany her too.

Take a chance. Say that you love your car and make her understand that cars at driving school are exclusively made to take all the hits and bumps from women*.

*Consequences at your own risk

Color skepticism

We could recognize a maximum of 7 colors. But after marriage, you’ll see so many shades of the same color that it is pretty normal that you’ll get skeptical and tackle this question to death. “Do those many shades of the same color (especially the shades of PINK) exist in reality?”

You may argue with Hue, Tint, shade, saturation and other physics and chromatic terminologies, but the actual weightage will be given to 99 colors of TVS Scooty and nail enamels. Prepare to lose arguments on ethical grounds, even though you are technically correct.

The matching paradigm

You remember those good old days in college how we celebrated if two of us wore the same “Man U” tees? It seems we were wrong. That is a taboo. According to girls, if two people are wearing the same attire, then it is as humiliating as your country’s Human Development Index is coming drastically down. Not only that; If her hair band is green, then having her vanity bag, shoe buckle, nail color, watch strap and the mobile flip cover also in green is considered high self-esteem.

For your own good, to avoid clash and confusion, accept the matching rationale.

Find an answer

And lastly, Being in IT, this is probably the most difficult question you will HAVE to answer after Fourier Transformations in college days: “Did you marry me or this computer”? Please let me know if the answer you said was considered satisfactory by your better half.

If you learn to handle these “fundamentally” important things, the smaller things like the need for 20 pair of sandals, the need for chivalry, her mood swings and why she is always right will take care of itself. As a great man once said “…And they lived happily ever after is not a fairytale. It is a choice”.

Welcome to the club and I wish you guys a very happy married life.