The Wall - part-2

Please click here to read Chapter-1

Chapter-2

Ajay could not believe what he had just witnessed. He took a step back and gestured Sanjana to come silently and see the horror for herself. They stood at the entrance of the backyard and just stared at each other in shock. Facing the wall, Mrs. Rajeshwari continued the conversation…..with imaginary Sundara Bai. Not just her voice, as Mrs. Rajeshwari switched characters, there were significant changes in her voice modulation, body language and her actions! Ajay had never seen such remarkable biological differences emerging out of the same body. Sanjana was shuddered! All these days, Sundara Bai was just a fictional character. And they did not get the slightest hint of this horror for two long months! They were dumbfounded of what had become of Mrs. Rajeshwari. 

It took a week for the psychiatrist to understand what had happened to Mrs. Rajeshwari. After knowing her early days at Bombay, assessing her medical history, her daily activities and with inputs from Ajay, psychiatrist concluded the case.

Dissociative identity disorder.

The Psychiatrist explained his mother’s case to Ajay.

“DID or multiple personality disorder is a mental disorder characterized by at least two distinct state of being in same person. Presentations, however, are very much variable between the characters.”

“But doctor, how could my mother….”

“There are lot of reasons why this can happen to a person. I believe, in your mother’s case, it is depression. Prolonged suppression of her feelings from a very young age had already disturbed her mind to a very large extent. And the loneliness that she experienced here worked as a catalyst. A tiny spark by Shanta Bai, your maid, is all it took for her to create Sundara Bai in her mind and eventually manifest out of her own body.” 

“Doctor, Can she come out of this?”

The doctor tried to be as assertive as possible.

“If the mind can do this to your own body, it also suggests that there is positively the same potential for healing… Because they are exhibited out of the same mind”.

“Please tell me that my mom will get back to normal”

“Well, most people do. But the timeframe cannot be ascertained specifically. Few get well within months and a few others take years! For the treatment, we’ll put her through a couple of therapies - psychotherapy will improve her mental well-being. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) which will help her combat the triggers that lead to the manifestation of Sundara Bai. And with a few medications, of course. But most importantly, the supportive care from you is very vital for her wellbeing”.

In the therapy room, where Mrs. Rajeshwari opened up slowly about her loneliness, how it affected her and how she buried her feelings deep inside her so that her son is not distressed, Ajay was standing outside, haplessly listening to the words of love his mother was showering on him even from her subconscious mind. Sanjana’s silence was a reflection of her regretful acknowledgement of what she did or did not do. When his mother talked about her suicidal ideations, he broke down. That was the moment of realization for him; that moment of epiphany which led him to get to the right perspective of what his mother actually longed for. At that very moment, he decided to do all he can to get his mother back to her usual self.

Over a period of time, the therapy sessions started showing results. The medication helped her increase the uptake of serotonin in the brain. She got back to her senses slowly. She started listening to her favorite bhajans. Her medication course was finally over and her circadian clock started functioning at normal schedule.  It took a profusion of time and effort for Mrs. Rajeshwari to come out of it. Sanjana resigned her high paying job and diverted her entire energy and attention for mother-in-law’s well-being. Ajay was equally getting involved in his mother’s well-being.

After a long time, a terrible constraint seemed to settle down. Without quite knowing what had happened, Mrs. Rajeshwari came back to life. Everything had changed. Yet nothing seemed so apparent except the wall at the backyard. Ajay knew that the wall would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Epilogue

Two years later….

The monsoon had just stopped with a mix of burst and lull. It was a very pleasant evening and the verandah was flocked with school kids taking mathematics tuitions from Mrs. Rajeshwari. The cool breeze that blew brought in a wave of freshness and filled the entire verandah. Along with the wind, a book glided smoothly and halted in front of the century teacher with its pages open. She picked it up, glanced through the content and saw the name on the book.

“Tarun, come here. You have done this math all wrong”

“Yes maam”

“If Sundarabai had ten mangoes with her and she gave two to her neighbor, how many are left with her?” 

The insidious disease which slowly poisoned Mrs. Rajeshwari’s life was insanity – Whether it was the insanity of her own delusion or the insanity of snobbery by Ajay and Sanjana is debatable. Neither Ajay’s wild consumerism nor Sanjana’s subjugation helped Mrs. Rajeshwari. Unfortunately, this abandonment of the parents at their declining years has become a savage indictment of almost every modern household of contemporary India. 

Whether it is unreasonable for parents to expect care and compassion in their twilight years or parenthood ought not to be regarded as a liability that children have to repay – Is for us to decide

The wall - A short story

Prologue:

“It is very difficult for me to be alone for an entire day. Let me at least teach mathematics to children in the evenings. This severe headache is because I am giving absolutely no work to my brain” 

Mrs. Rajeshwari spoke in almost muted voice. 

“Mom, it is all in your mind. Just get out of the mindset that you are alone. Trust me, your headache will vanish. There are thousands of mothers who are alone and they do not complain. I am meddled with my own problems in and outside of this house. Do you want me to quit job and be with you just because you feel lonely? You are alone for a couple of hours for a day. But you are not outcast or abandoned…. Are you? After all, what have we not done to you? There are hundreds of those Bhajan CDs that you like. There is TV. You have newspaper, novels and what not. I dunno what is stopping you from exploring all these” bellowed Ajay, who was in a hurry. As he picked up his laptop bag and was about to leave, he felt that the holler was unnecessary. He felt pity and tried to console his mother.

“Maa… Sanjana has already cooked breakfast and lunch. Eat on time, take your tablets without fail and take a power nap. Watch TV for some time. She will be back by 5PM. You’ll be alright mom. Don’t think too much” 

He kissed his mother good bye, got up and walked out of the house. Sanjana was already waiting near the car.

“What is it”? She admonished

“Arghhh! The same old make-believe solitary confinement of mother”

Sanjana gave an unpleasantly prominent look. Ajay tried to ignore and a few seconds later the car zoomed out of the gate and the couple left for their daily chores….

Chapter-1

For Mrs. Rajeshwari, life had turned one-eighty after her retirement. Her husband’s early demise had forced her to take the lead at a young age. On one hand, after decades of serving as a high school teacher, shaping other kids’ lives, taking responsibilities and driving her own family, she was expecting a sense of relief that she will get to live the life that she wants to. On the other hand, her own son and daughter in law were not realizing that she had just retired from work, not from life. They made it implicit that she had struggled all these years and now that she has retired, all she needs is rest.  Not that they were apathetic. They took her for periodic medical check-ups, never forgot her birthday, facilitated her pension and gave it to her without fail. She had the luxury of TV, internet and so on. Sanjana took care of all the cooking at home. Shanta Bai visited every day to clean and do the dishes. But involuntarily, they were not receptive to her genuine feelings!  So even beyond all these comforts, there was a sense of privation which always bothered Mrs. Rajeshwari – Loneliness.

Back in Mumbai, where she had spent the major part of her life, she had so many friends. After her husband’s early demise, she had moved to a house in Bandra west. R N Podar school where she was a teacher, was just 10 minute walk from her house. In the evenings, the verandah of her house was packed with kids. She was a brilliant mathematics tutor. She had that zeal to teach mathematics to kids in simple methods. Students she tutored consistently scored high marks in mathematics. Among the kids who secured a hundred on hundred in mathematics in Maharashtra board exams, majority were Mrs. Rajeshwari’s students. Vernacular newspapers called her century teacher. At the prime of her life, she was energetic, lively and led a meaningful life. 

Sanjana, a bank manager now, was once her student. By virtue of her profession, there were frequent transfers. And this time, she was transferred to Nashik. So Ajay had to resign his IT job in Mumbai and had joined the only software company in Nashik amidst the wine and other small scale industries. Without an option, Mrs. Rajeshwari too unwillingly had to relocate to Nashik. That is where her age of loneliness crept in.

For years, the fast paced life of Mumbai had pushed Mrs. Rajeshwari to limits. The city offered a frenzied spiral of dreams; it had given a new life to her; it had given her success and fame. Her burgeoning dreams were synonymous with the city’s haste itself. But Nashik was totally conflicting with what she had experienced in Mumbai for 30+ years. For unexplained reasons, she just could not embrace living in Nashik; not because of its tempered lifestyle, but because she started to experience a sense of solitude. Within months after her arrival in Nashik, she had developed the perception of being alone and isolated. With nobody to even talk to, locked in between the four walls was something that had disturbed her to a very large extent. 

The doorbell rang and she was sure that it is Shanta Bai.

“Come in Shanta Bai… At least you are there to talk to me. Why are you so late today?

“Arrey Maaji, in the next road, just behind your house, there is a lady; just like you Maaji. Husband died, Son and daughter in America. She had arthritis. So they operated and they put some metal knee for her Maaji. Some modern operation which cost her lakhs of rupees. But the surgery was not successful only. Her knee pain increased after operation. Now she cannot even walk outside."

Paap teni! She was talking to me about her pain and loneliness Maaji. That’s why I got late”

Instantly, there was a ray of hope, a sort of glimmer in Mrs. Rajeshwari’s face. She imagined the neighborhood lady's and her own life to be like two peas in a pod. She thought that if she can befriend the lady that Shanta Bai is talking about, it’ll definitely help both kill their boredom. She thanked Shanta Bai that the almighty himself has sent this opportunity and asked for more details.

“What is her name?”

“Sundara Bai”

“Where exactly is her house?”

“Very Next Street. Exactly behind your house maaji. If you go to your balcony and she comes to hers, you both can actually talk to each other. Ha ha ha”

This idea appealed to Mrs. Rajeshwari. She gave this a lot of thought overnight and decided that she herself should strike a conversation after Sanjana and Ajay left for office. Even the thought of getting to talk to someone sparked a sense of excitement in her. She could not sleep the whole night. The next day morning, as usual, Sanjana and Ajay left for office. Shanta Bai came and finished her chores and left for the day. Mrs. Rajeshwari came to her balcony and stood there, facing the seven feet wall. She waited until she heard a feeble noise. She spoke in a loud voice:

“Hello, Sundara bai… I am Rajeshwari. Your neighbor”

“Hello. Are you talking to me? How do you know my name?”

A 30 second pause. *What if Sundara Bai gets back inside and fails to hear what I am saying. Oh no! This should not happen* Mrs. Rajeshwari raised her voice as much as she could.

“Shanta Bai told me about you. I am alone at home. Are you alone too?”

 “Hmmm. In today’s world, only people who are aged like me and you will sit at home”

Both of them laughed.

“Did you have your lunch, Sundara Bai?”

“Hmmm. In the beginning, I used to eat whenever I was hungry. Nowadays, I am eating to just keep myself alive. Doctor has told me that eating on time will help you get good sleep. So I forcefully eat something”

“Yeah. Same here. Eating just to be alive”. How many of you stay here”?

And so started their friendship. Over a period of time, they became very good friends. They enjoyed their varied conversations. They spoke at length about their families, their childhood and their college days, their post marriage tantrums, about their responsibilities as parents and how their kids had gotten busy in their own lives abandoning them. Their mutual conversation eased their pain and touched their mental wounds with a warm and tender acquaintance. For them, it was not just exchange of words. It was an everyday colloquium. At times, they forgot the seven feet wall between them and the tête-à-tête continued for hours together. This everyday conversation was the medicine that kept Mrs. Rajeshwari and Sundarabai alive and away from their otherwise secluded lives. 

A couple of months passed by. Ajay and Sanjana did take notice that the mother had almost stopped whining. Mrs. Rajeshwari informed Ajay and Sanjana of her shenanigans with Sundarabai at the backyard. Ajay thanked god that the rewarding effects of this talk became a compelling incentive for his mom to stop being lonely. He told his mother that she can talk to her neighbor at her will and that he or Sanjana would never object it. He also promised to check if he can do something to the wall so that they can have direct face to face conversations. Over months, it improved the psychological and social functioning of his mother on its own. In other words, it was a natural recovery for Mrs. Rajeshwari from the solitude.

It was Mrs. Rajeshwari’s birthday. Like every year, they decided to make her birthday, a special day for her. Ajay and Sanjana thought of surprising mother by coming home early, celebrating her birthday and taking her out for dinner. They left their offices early, purchased cake, sweets and savories from the famous store and reached home. As always, Ajay opened the doors with his keys. As he entered, he heard Mrs. Rajeshwari’s feeble voice busy in a conversation. He suddenly realized it could be Sundarabai, love thy neighbor, who was a blessing in disguise. A thought spontaneously came to his mind; Inviting Sundarabai home on mother’s birthday would make both really happy and that it would also put an end to their month long acquaintance. He thought this is also the best opportunity to thank Sundara Bai.

As he moved towards the backyard with his mind reasoning on how to strike a conversation with SundaraBai, he noticed something very unusual. That strange, bizarre and a totally unexpected scene freaked him out. He halted abruptly. 

“I tell you Sundarabai, you should really visit my Bombay once…”

“I like the way you say ‘My Bombay’. Rajeshwari, you miss Bombay very much. Don’t you?”

“Yes. Every day! I wish you could walk. I would have asked Ajay to take both of us to Bombay one day”

A chill ran down Ajay’s spine. Facing the seven feet wall, Mrs. Rajeshwari, herself was doing the two sided conversation. There was no Sundarabai in real. Sundarabai was a character created by Mrs. Rajeshwari in her mind.

… To be continued

A million dollar question

I thought the whole of my mind’s capacity is immense and I always believed that emotionally, I’m a very strong man. But from past couple of weeks, my emotional weakness has intensified within me and I’ve started to know and feel things that I’ve never known or felt before. I’m trying to refuse to venture into the thought that I’ve conceded defeat, but I’m not able to fight it. I’ve never seen deaths in my family/friends circle, I’ve never seen anyone experience hardship and physical agony this hopelessly. My granny is on death bed from a few weeks and this is the source of my disturbance.

Good old days of my Grandma

For the records, she is 93 and is an Alzheimer’s disease patient from past couple of years. She was fit and fine, she used to read The Deccan Herald everyday and with her little insights to what is happening around, she used to tell me how messed up the world is, today. Things changed slowly; she lost control over her memory, she started hallucinating and could recall only things from past. But all that was still fine with us because we, at home, were quite used to her absentmindedness and were pretty much accustomed to her awkward behavior. In fact, at times, when every other person in the family retaliated to her violent behavior (she was really uncontrollable sometimes), I nonchalantly disregarded it. Things have changed so much in the past few months. She is lying there, in the corner of a room, just breathing. She is making an attempt to speak something but none of us are able to make any sense of it. She is not recognizing any of us. Her hands and legs have crumbled being in the same position; her motor functions are reduced by more than 90%. She has bed sores over her back. She’s going through an absolute realm of pain & suffering and she is not even able to express it. Imagine how relentless it is that if a housefly sits on her nose, she has to make peace with it instead of shooing it away!

With grandchildren, on her 90th birthday

In the midst of it, a good number of my grandmother’s kin are visiting my home out of purest form of reverence and compassion, for the sweet and adorable lady that my granny was through her life. Majority of them talk about how active she was during the prime of her life. One of my cousins had nick named her “The Mask” because she was so swift that she used to get coffee from the kitchen like a whirlwind.  Some are making desperate attempts to show that they also care by pretending to sham and offer help. And of course there those one hundred percent pure assholes too who are more interested in watching Kannada soaps than empathizing with us for what happened. I don’t know if she can hear at all; because if she really does, she would regret having met these people in her life for the rest of her life. Very few are compassionate and offering every bit of help they could, in monetary and sensitive terms, to extend her death and keep her alive.

We have hired a caretaker to look after her. A paramedic comes home every week to assess her health. We are all doing our best to keep her alive. But I think this is exactly what is making me very poignant. “Are we extending the duration of her suffering by trying to keep her alive?” I tried to discuss this with senior citizens of the family. Some quoted Gita and talked about “karma” or “soul” and others gave reference to some gradation called “taaratamya”. I don’t have much insight into these. I am trying to convince myself by thinking that what they say may be true. The fact that they have seen more deaths and they don’t seem to get unbalanced by this at all, really surprise me.

A few days before she was bedridden

I’ve always seen people offering prayers for someone to get well. We’ve always been taught to hope for other’s wellbeing. But here I am, standing, praying to god to do exactly the opposite. I don’t know if I am responding more emotionally than is justified or assessing too highly of the scenario; I’ve been pondering over this for some time. The more I think, the more I realize that death is the most complicated thing I’ve ever come across in my life so far.

Every time when I am home, when I sit by her side, feeding her food, when I look at her crumbled legs and hands, this question boggles my brain: Should we continue to take good care of her which will only prolong her suffering or should we stop being so conscientious and put an end to her suffering early and be culpable and guilty for the rest of our lives? This, trust me, is a million dollar question!

I’m badly trying to restore some sanity to my brain!