A certain south Indian wedding preparation

In India, being South Indian is not as easy as “Being Human”. I don’t even have to talk about opulence associated with Indian marriages. There may be more than 100 major ishtyles and dialects of Indian wedding. Some are very prolific and some are very straight and simple. Things have changed; the place; the food, the way we invite family and friends (thanks to technology) and so on! Or does it just look so? I’m still confused. I guess there are no set answers for this. But what has not changed for sure is the epitome of “arranged” marriage in South India.

Prologue: After my 10 uncles and 27 aunts (your mausi ki saas ke devar ki biwi is also a potential match maker in south India) pressurized me in every goddamn meet to send a “good looking” (good looking south Indians do exist in real and we are in plenty) picture of mine to them, I had to succumb! Next, I had to change my mindset from M for MBA to M for Marriage. The transition from CAT (Common Admission Test) to scapegoat is really hard to digest. Thanks to mom and dad’s “why it’s not a bad idea to marry @ 27” brainwashing sessions. And then, there’s peer pressure too. “Your best friend Sandeep ki shaadi ho gayi. Smita ki bhi. And my colleague’s son Ajay is married with a kid. He’s still 25”.

Somehow my profile got uploaded in our community matrimony. Hold on! I too was assuming that it’s going to be some online matrimony site. My mom was like ‘do you think we are so deviated from the Brahmin ethos. You may be a software engineer; but I won’t allow any software to choose a bahu for my home’.

I won’t get into the details of the visiting the matrimony office and taking notes of the prospective bahus and my interview with them and their family. It’s too hilarious to be discussed here. Fortunately, not after too many interviews, I met this pretty gal, liked her, said YES, got engaged to her and I thought everything is over! Alas! I was wrong. The real challenges of a South Indian wedding surface only with the onset of marriage preparation.

The selected ones are folded and stacked!

Saree: Trust me, you’ve no idea what kind of opulence is associated with it. Unlike Christian and north Indian weddings, where the haute couture is diversified from Salwars to Ghagras and from Gowns to skirts, in a south Indian wedding, it’s just Saree.. Silk Saree. The bride, her mom, your mom, all your aunts, all her aunts, your granny, her granny, their daughters, sisters and even kaamwali bais (not kidding) will shoot your mouth off with the money spent on the sarees. Their exuberance will puzzle you to an extent where you’ll start believing that dress code in Ekta Kapoor’s serials is actually real. If at all there is one Indian brand can counter the Versaces and Armanis, it is ungal Kancheepuram Silk saree.

Silk sarees piled up in a heap!

Considering that the sex ratio in south India is a good 997/1000, and with women population of 100 million, even if 50 million arranged marriages happen: 25 million Rs INR is spent on just silk sarees in South India every year! Can you imagine how rich we are? If you’re a south Indian, fall in love with your north Indian colleague or love thy neighbor and elope. In an arranged marriage, silk saree is a hundred thousand rupee affair!

Gyan: Stereotyping reach new heights with you getting married. Everyone will have something to say about you getting married (Or I just feel so). The “senior citizen gyan yojna” of your family will be of no use, although some uncles and aunts may just keep quiet or give realistic insight which you may feel will help. Some will ask you questions which will confuse you whether to laugh or cry.

                By family members:

•      You’ve become so lean. Tension mat lo beta! (Why are YOU getting tensed about MY weight, aunty)
•      I feel you’re still a school going kid. Time flies no (Signs of Alzheimer’s, uncle)
•      It’s on Feb 20^th? Should’ve been Feb 14^th (Waah uncle.. aap to dude nikle)

By friends:

• Mujhe pata tha tumhara jaldi fix ho jayega. South Indian hokar bhi tum fair complexion ke ho (No comments)
• You’re gonna make us eat on banana leaf? (You can eat on the floor also, bro)
• Marriage is for three days…?? What will you do? (First two days batting and I’ll declare for third day)
• Arranged Marriage? **wry smile**.. Don’t lie! (Well, I really don’t have Erich Segal Love Story type of incidents in my life)
• If you invite 500 people, 2500 people will ask you “where are you going for honeymoon”

Listening to all of such nonsense shit and keeping your mouth shut is a real challenge.

A South Indian Bride (from Kerala)

Gold: Everybody says old is gold. But paradoxically, when it comes to actual gold, nobody is satisfied with old gold ornaments. The Bride and Groom’s mother would have stacked gold in every possible occasion for future marriages; we still have to buy new gold. This is crazy! I don’t understand. My mom says it’s a question of pride. My uncle lambasts Raghuram Rajan and Subbarao for not being able to control inflation, but continues to stack gold for daughter’s marriage. This gold affiliation will rid you of all the savings that you’ve done so far. So just don’t think too much. You can’t do anything. I’m only relieved with the fact that unlike some Keralites (no offense), we still talk about gold in terms of grams and not kilograms!! **sigh**

Epilogue:

The big day is just around the corner. Now I’ve clearly understood the essence of long lasting Indian marriages ;). I’m thrilled and tensed both at the same time. Thrilled because of one thousand obvious reasons and tensed because… Boss, I’m a south Indian!

P.S: I just completed writing this piece and someone dedicated the song  “Yeh Galiya yeh chaubara.. yahaa aana na dobaara…” on fm radio

Marriage hall – A bizarre bazaar

Yet another post about marriage. Honestly, I’ve no crazy idea why I’m writing/tweeting so much about marriages. Yesterday yet another friend of mine went into conjugal bliss. And this time, I want to jabber about the agony that you may experience in a marriage hall; that awkward moment when you really don’t know whether to feel happy for the ones getting married or sense that awkwardness that you come across in the marriage hall. 

Face-off: At 26, I just can’t stop my mind from setting an expectation on the probable honeys and sweeties around.  My eyes will be constantly running algorithms in the front end for a match against my expectations. But most of the times my eyes end up on mirror cracking materials and Asian paint endorsers, and on the other hand – Gold miners from Bappi Lahiri khandan. Yielding bad search results. Even though there are no syntax errors in my algorithm, it couldn’t yield better results because the database itself is corrupted. Sheer disappointment or rather my fortunes.

Flash it on: By any chance, if there’s no television display in the marriage hall, you owe a BIIIG thanks to the almighty. I mean it. Because that graphics you see on television is the most awkward graphics that human eyes can tolerate. If you stare at it for some time, you’ll lose your vision. A little more than that; you’ll put yourself in the grave danger of losing your mind as well. This is what happens: First, the bride will dissolve in from the middle of Niagara Falls and the Groom will join her in lightning speed from a mountain that looks like tundra region; as if the bride and Groom are diehard fans of Edward and Bella. And suddenly you’ll see a man with yellowish teeth gulping pani puri and from inside his mouth both parents will crawl in like some insects followed by bride and groom disappearing to Times Square like a boomerang. And again bride will blossom from inside a flower. Watching this will make you curse Adobe for coming up with flash.

Food for thought: Whoever came up with the idea of taking videos in marriage dining hall should be punished by making him eat until his stomach literally detonates. This is the most hatred part of all the marriages that I’ve attended. How’d you feel if 1000 people are watching live, what and how you eat?  I really don’t understand why on earth some one wants to cherish the memories of how or how much a person EATS! In case this happens in your own marriage, you’ll only end up being disgusted to watch your own marriage video because of the fear of seeing people eating in their own ishtyle (Please consider Indian dining etiquettes here). 

Indian weddings, if done in the way they are actually supposed to; they’re a treat. Weddings are the moments for a lifetime. I’ve seen people competing with other weddings to make it more vibrant, richer and more colorful. I feel sad for them. The richness, culture and traditions of a wedding today are meddled with technology, show off and unwanted opulence. I feel that the whole essence of marriage has taken a phase shift from celebration to flaunt and status symbol. Marriage is no more a marriage.

Just go home and open you parents wedding album. I’m sure you stand by me!

Love marriage ya arranged marriage

The Indian essentials are a little bizarre to understand. We say Hockey is our national game, but watch cricket more, we say Tiger is our national animal and we’ve killed all of them, we say love marriages are better but end up opposing it for our own kids. That said, the debate of love marriage v/s arranged marriage in the Indian context is entirely distinct. There are many reasons behind this. Ours is not a “He tried-she smiled-baby cried” society. Love is the essence of our culture (or we assume so). And above all, we are goaded by the timeless bollywood love tales a little too much. It doesn’t come as a surprise that Raj and Simran are more than just movie characters in India.

Love marriage: It has its own advantages. You are determined to live a life in a fictitious way you’ve envisaged by watching too many bollywood chick flicks. You search off your own path only to discover that the course of love is not an easy trail. You get to spend quality time with her, understand her, you care for her, you are compatible with her and so you love her. Love happens at breakneck speed. But one important thing two people in love miss out to check is the compatibility of your beloved one with your family. We just assume that he/she will be liked by the family just the way you liked him/her. This is where the problem with love marriage sets in. Most of the parents know that the adrenaline rush has made you consider only beauty, lust, attraction and infatuation before saying yes to him/her and the parents fear the sustainability of this love. The foundation of love is strong, only if it is built on trust and not lust. In India, just falling in love with the right person is not enough; you should have the courage to convince your family without which you’ll be in crisis. For most of the people in love, their family becomes an archetypical desperado.

Arranged marriage: On the contrary, arranged marriages are more successful than love marriages. I really can’t fathom the reason behind this. But most of the arranged marriages are done by the folks who’ve inculcated a fear of “what society thinks if we do otherwise”. These types of people get “used to” things pretty soon. Their happiness is confined, limited and bound to certain areas beyond which they don’t want to explore. The fear of Society (it is called Anthropophobia) is what makes people accept things that come their way even though it is barbed. It is this fear that makes the most arranged marriages in India successful. In other words, the success of arranged marriage in India is solely judge on how others envisage it.

 

From Seeta’s Swayamwar in Ramayan to Rakhi’s Swayamwar on NDTV Imagine, we’ve come a long way in transforming the way marriages are held in a radical way. But we are not able to think of arranged marriages beyond caste, color and creed.  What a pity! It makes me wonder how people give more importance to gold than the girl. They take so much of interest even in choosing the color of saree, but they fail to notice if there is a smile on their daughter’s face. 

To me, the only difference is, in love marriage, I’ll love and marry. In arranged marriage, I’ll marry and love. Because, in the end, arranged marriage needs love and care to flourish and prosper. Love marriage needs some arrangements and understandings to be full of life. It’s the essence of love that decides how far you go.; not how you get married.

P.S: This article is an entry for Indiblogger’s Love Marriage ya arranged marriage contest, sponsored by Sony entertainment television. More details on the page http://www.facebook.com/LoveYaArrange

Image courtesy: dishtracking.com and bakadesuyo.com