The wedlock and the deadlock

Yahoo! I’m back in the city. The best thing that can ever happen to any Bangalorean is coming back to namma city from any part of Tamil Nadu. Frankly, Till now, I haven’t seen a Hindi speaking Madras-e. Keeping that aside and coming to the point, this time, I am very happy. It’s festive season in my friends' circle. All guys are losing their bachelors and girls, gaining their masters. Yes! All the buddy maklu’s in my gang are getting into conjugal bliss. And my worst fears have always come true. So I’m pretty sure this will happen to me sometime in the (near) future. But for now, I’m more than happy to see my friends crossing the quarter life crisis barrier (didn’t know this even existed, until one of my friend told me about it) happily and entering the zone of “You can’t envisage what”.

Although I couldn’t find anyone, this marriage gave me a great insight into marriages. At the same time, Khamba wrote about Relationship Limbos. Co incidence..??

You can LYAO, ROFL and LOL at it. But, if a bunch of IT guys are in the bachelor’s party this is what we end up discussing: It starts with Windows 8 developer beta and Steve Jobs stepping down as CEO and future of Apple. After sometime, it diverts collectively to marriage. Like this:

1.     Marriage is not like your Application Development projects to code, test, deploy and forget. It’s rather an Application Maintenance project contracted for a lifetime.

2.     It involves Incidents, Requests and Problems to solve.

3.     You must know your error codes before executing your query.

4.     You have to impress your clients, no matter how annoying they are (Told by the groom himself :)

5.     Emergency fixes, backing out codes and performance tuning have to be done often to prevent it from abending (abnormal ending).

 

There was whole lot of other things we did. But owing to the great whether and the hopeless party materials you get in Chennai, this is all I could remember. But still, the bachelor’s party was ecstatic (Stop imagining :-)

 

I had never observed a marriage this closely. I was amazed at the energy levels of all the relatives and friends. With so much enthusiasm, they do all the things. But I’ve no idea why the hell do they forget the Groom. I felt really sorry for him. It is fun going to a marriage. But getting married… OMG!  Not easy. No, No, No, No. not at all. And these are some of the bizarre and weird things I observed in the marriage. Read carefully. (Might help you also;-)

1.     Marriage is definitely not “He tried, she smiled and the baby cried” story.

2.     Never believe in Chetan Bhagat’s collective piece of shit on marriages– 2 States: The story of my marriage. Its more fictitious than he himself could possibly imagine.

3. If you think, your boss is more commanding, just wait for your marriage photographer.

4. Like ‘No break’ movies on Star Gold, you will have to fake a smile, for 2 days without break. Practice it.

5. If you can’t see your hard earned money being spent extravagantly and bountifully, eloping with your girlfriend would be the best option. Consequences at your own risk.

6. The dhoti you wear will make you more uncomfortable than your entire dehydration affliction put together. Please take necessary precautions.

7. If beautiful babes are not expected, inform your buddies, beforehand (We expect this!)

8. You’ll most certainly develop a hatred for music if there is any orchestra arranged for the evening.

9. If you are getting married in Chennai, for Amma’s sake

                        a) Book an air conditioned convention hall. Else, chances are that all women in the marriage hall will turn black and white. (with their actual color and make up washed out with sweat).

                        b) Along with invite, give a Kannada to Tamil Rapidex speaking course book.

                        c) Order catering from Saravana Bhavan (That’s the ONLY hotel in Chennai where humans can eat).

10. Put an end to your thinking that Career, Money and Fun are all 3 things that sums up for your happy living.

11. And above all and beyond everything,

Make sure you understand the 4^th Dimension, perhaps the most important of all values– “Relationship” 

“YOUR” value in “OUR” country

The phrase “History repeats” holds very well in India. Ironically, an incident, even before becoming history, repeats in India. Blasts, scams, train accidents, air crash, everything! That too not just once or twice, but several times. Yes…!!! Fate in India seems to have a disclaimer “To be continued…”

Ambulance in traffic jams:  This is almost everyday sight to me. The “who cares” attitude of our fellow motorists has reached heights. When there is an ambulance stuck in traffic, everyone starts honking so loudly, as if they’re concerned and worried, but no one moves. The honking decibel gain is so much (I know you’re one of the honkers) that the siren goes unheard. No one moves thinking it’s just the motorists composing some tunes. End result – The ambulance becomes the Vaikunta Yatra vehicle. And you, the traffic cop..?? I know you’ve bribed to get this job. But at least when someone’s life is at stake, shut the fuck up and do your duty. How easily you zoom through the traffic while dropping off your loved ones to their destination on the pulsar given to you. Make some way for the ambulance also. Or did they ask you a lakh more to train you on how to stop vehicles?

Train accidents:  Like in a Hollywood flick, trains keep on ramming each other, that too, head on. And people sleeping inside are put to sleep forever. I can bet you the frequency of train accidents in India is more than Siddharth Mallya brushing his teeth. This, I say, is the result of hiring all the local bastards who can’t even speak the national language. You say Teri Maa and they’ll hear it teriyuma: Talking to a TC in any of the Chennai-Bangalore train is nothing less than a trauma. Thanks to the “great” reservations in Indian railway jobs. What happened yesterday night is the 3^rd major rail mishap in past 2 months. But which fucking railway minister has taken measures to learn from mistakes? “One of the World’s largest railway network”, “World’s largest Employer” with a rich “150 years of experience”, Indian Railways does not have simple technology in place to stop two trains when they run on the same track. This, if I’m not wrong, is a simple high school science project. And Congress talks of austerity and Rahul Gandhi travels in Jan Shatabdi. What a political game show..??

Bomb Blasts: I really don’t have to tell you anything about this. Mall, train, Market and now in high court also…!! Where else is aam aadmi safe? I remember Naseeruddin Shah’s dialog in a famous movie. “Rathore sahab mujhe yakin hai ki jo train blast huye wo sirf ek terrorist activity nahi thi, wo ek bahut bada saawal tha, aur wo sawaal ye tha ki “Bhai hum to tumhe isi tarah marenge, tum kya kar loge??”  Yes, they asked us this Question on a Friday and repeated it on Tuesday”. But unfortunately, we are still waiting to reply on a Wednesday..!!! What has Mr. P Chidambaram done, every time a bomb blast occurred, other than giving death statistics to media? 11/7, 26/11, 13/7, 7/9… The list is going on and on and on. How many more of these dates do we need to remember..?? While our leaders are so occupied creating a scam out of soldier’s bulletproof jackets, Kasab, Afzal Guru and many others are partying hard in prison. Murugan grabbed the free fuck offer from visiting wife Nalini. (Onam gift from congress?) Raja, Kanimozhi, Kalmadi and Janardhana Reddy are practicing the group song “Main karun to saala, character dheela hai” to perform in the Gandhi Jayanti celebrations. Wow! I think the movie ‘A Wednesday’ would have made more or rather perfect sense if there were these people in place of terrorists. 

With all these happenings, what do you think is the “value” of your life, in India? Well, if you’re counting your assets and bank balance sheets, I’m really sorry. Tragically, it’s nothing more than a death compensation ranging from 50,000 to a lakh (Hoping that middle men don’t pocket in at least this). Because you never know when and where you’ll run out of luck. It makes me sad to say that “Life” has such cheap value in this great country.  

After all, what difference does it make to them, if a mere 100 is lessened in the midst of a billion people?

ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು

ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು 

ಮೆಟ್ಟಿ ದರೆ IT ಮಣ್ಣ ಮೆಟ್ಟಬೇಕು 

ಬದುಕಿದು ಜಟಕಾ ಬಂಡಿ 

ಇದು ನಾವ್ ತೋಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರೋ ಗುಂಡಿ

ಬದುಕಿದು ಜಟಕಾ ಬಂಡಿ 

ಇದು ನಾವ್ ತೋಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರೋ ಗುಂಡಿ

||  ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ||

C # ನಲ್ ಕೋಡಿಂಗ್ ಮಾಡು

QTP ಲ್ ಟೆಸ್ಟಿಂಗ್ ಮಾಡು

ಡೆಡ್ ಲೈನು ಬಂತು ಅಂದ್ರೆ

ಸಿಕ್ ಲೀವು ಹಾಕಿ ಓಡು.

ಆನ್ ಸೈಟು, US UK

ಬಾಳಲ್ಲಿ ಒಮ್ಮೆ ನೋಡು

ಡಾಲರು ಪೌಂಡ್ ಜೊತೆ

ರುಪಾಯಿ ನ ತೂಕ ಮಾಡು

ಕೋಡ್ ಮಾಡಕ್ ಕೋಟಿ ಭಾಷೆ

ಮರ್ತ್ ಹೋಯ್ತು ಕನ್ನಡ ಭಾಷೆ 

ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷೇ, ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷೇ... ಎಲ್ಲೆಲ್ಲೂ ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷೇ

||  ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ||

ಡೇಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ಭೂಮಿ ಇದು

ಔಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ಸ್ವರ್ಗ ಇದು

ಮೇಕ್ ಅಪ್ ಗೆ ಶಾಲೆ ಇದು

ಬ್ರೇಕ್ ಅಪ್  ಗೆ ಪೀಠ ಇದು.

ಮೀಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ಕಲ್ಪ ಇದು

ರೇಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ತಲ್ಪ ಇದು

Traffic Jam ಗೋಳು ಇದು

ನೆಮ್ಮದಿನೆ ಹಾಳು ಇದು

Microsoft, Apple ನಿಂದ,

Infosys, Wipro ಇಂದ

ಕನ್ನಡ ಕನ್ನಡ.. ಹಾಳಾಯ್ತು ನಮ್ ಕನ್ನಡ..

||  ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ||

Defect ನ ಬೆನ್ನು ಹತ್ತಿ

Infinite loopu ಸುತ್ತಿ

Fix ಅನ್ನು ಕೊಟ್ಟ ಮೇಲೂ

Email e ನಮಗೆ ಮೇಲು.

NRN ಕಂಡ ನಮಗೆ

Bill Gates ಯಾಕೆ ಬೇಕು

Premji ನ ಕಂಡ ನಮಗೆ

Steve Jobs ಯಾಕೆ ಬೇಕು

ಮುಂದಿನ ನನ್ನ ಜನುಮ code ಮಾಡಿದಂತೆ ಬ್ರಹ್ಮ

ಇಲ್ಲಿಯೇ ಇಲ್ಲಿಯೇ..

ಎಂದೆಂದಿಗೂ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿಯೇ...!!!!

|| ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು, ಮೆಟ್ಟಿ ದರೆ IT ಮಣ್ಣ ಮೆಟ್ಟಬೇಕು..

ಬದುಕಿದು ಜಟಕಾ ಬಂಡಿ, ಇದು ನಾವ್ ತೋಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರೋ ಗುಂಡಿ ||

 ಈ ಬ್ಲಾಗ್ ಪೋಸ್ಟ್ ಕೇವಲ ಮನೋರಂಜನೆಗಾಗಿ ಮಾತ್ರ. ಯಾವುದೇ ಘಟನೆ, ವ್ಯಕ್ತಿ ಅಥವ ಅವರ ಕೆಲಸಗಳನ್ನು ಅವಲಂಬಿಸಿರುವುದಿಲ್ಲ.   ಹಾಗೇನಾದರೂ ಇದ್ದಲ್ಲಿ ಅದು ಕಾಕತಾಳೀಯವಷ್ಟೇ. ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಕನ್ನಡ ನಾಡಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು ಈ ಮಧುರ ಹಾಡನ್ನು ಬರೆದ ಹಂಸಲೇಖ ರವರಿಗೂ ಅದನ್ನು ಹಾಡಿದ ಡಾ|| ರಾಜ್ ರವರಿಗೂ ನನ್ನ ಹೃದಯಪೂರ್ವಕ ನಮನಗಳು.

ಚಿತ್ರ ಕೃಪೆ: ಗೂಗಲ್.ಕಾಮ್

An open letter to Anna Hazare

Dear Annaji,

I was really pleased to see this post of my friend on facebook.  “Thanks to Anna.. Indian media has not taken notice of the whitewash”. If Indian MEDIA has accepted that there is something more important than Cricket, then I just couldn’t fathom the Impact! Perhaps, no Indian could. Hats off to you, Annaji .!!! You have done what none of Amma, Appa or Akka could do in past 50+ years... Bringing us together. Take a bow.

For a blasphemous political party who singlehandedly ruled the nation for 50 years, you’ve single handedly taught them a lesson. I’m very proud of the fact that after ages, you’ve made them bite their nails. I’m even more proud to say that, some of them, panic stricken after reading your version of Jan lokpal, bit their fingers in anxiety. For a party that has Price Rise, terrorism and scams in their agenda, you’ve made them realize that a common man is always mightier than a congress man.

And who has cast the magic spell of “Protest” in our people..??? Who has helped us realize our true resilience..??? From Ramlila maidan to Azad maidan, Freedom Park to JP Park, grounds to gullies, mails to messages… anywhere and everywhere, the support you got was just momentous and you deserved it. We appreciate it wholeheartedly. I feel that we, Indians (feeling contented to use this word on this instance) exhibited the meaning of unity in all the possible way. Indian youth now seem to understand that there is more than just ‘I’ in Indian. From the past 2-3 days, I’m pretty convinced that we are ONE small nation of JUST a billion people. I salute you.

But what makes me sad is that, while prominent leaders like Kiran Bedi, Shanti and Prashant Bhushan, Santosh Hegde and lot of others are working for a cause, there are some anti social elements like Arundathi Roy, Mahesh Bhatt, some brainless Dalit leaders and stupid maulvis, who are campaigning against your ‘crusade against corruption’. I’m not sure if they even have the faintest idea of what team Anna is fighting for.  May be they want to get noticed or trying to seek attention and become a celebrity overnight (Arundathi Roy has tried it every time, but failed miserably). To hell with those dumb witted opportunists. I guess Public is taking care of them giving them what they deserve. All the masterminds who’ve been altering all the anti corruption bills according to their necessities and requirements are now shitting in their pants, because your Jan lokpal bill has no flaw in the law.

While the Nation is seeing a Gandhi in you, what the corrupted netas see in you is a Yamraj who they can’t even bribe. You keep uniting all of us. We are all thankful to you and every true Indian is proud of you. Take care of your health. On behalf of a billion Indians, I wish you all the very best for your… oops... . our endeavor. Let the bill change from Jokepal to Lokpal.

“Lage Raho Anna Bhai”

PS: Amidst all these, one thing I really feel bad is that the “WALL” Dravid’s excellent performance going unnoticed. I really feel sad for him. But I’m sure he’s optimistic enough to understand what is more important.

(Image credit: Google and Ganguly Reddy)

The way of Life called “Week-end”

week•end (w-k-nd' )

noun

The end of the week, especially the period from Friday evening through Sunday evening.

This is the dictionary meaning of the word ‘week-end’. But for how many of us it’s just this..?? In the corporate world, week-end is not just the end of week. It’s rejuvenation time, time for a long ride, time to read newspaper, it’s time to go home, time to talk to your own family, time to get a haircut, time to attend CAT/GMAT coaching classes, time to play, sleep, shop, have sex and what not..?? To put it simply, weekend, for most of us, has become a way of life.

The corporate weekend theorem states that “The expression on software engineer’s face on a Monday morning and a Friday evening is never identical”. Monday through Friday, we think of the weekend, dream of it and wait for it. When it actually arrives, we start thinking of Monday’s work and spoil it. I’ve seen my friends switching off their mobile phones over the weekend just because of the fear of receiving a call from their managers. Once I myself bluffed my boss about a weekend outing plan to avoid Sunday work and spent the entire weekend in trepidation of being spotted by colleagues.

Initially, I used to find it really funny when my friends at workplace said “Happy Weekend”. Oh dear lord.. Happy Weekend..??? It sounded weird. But now, things have changed and I’m a part of the system. The “Happy weekend” robotically comes out of my mouth on a Friday evening, with a one hundred percent fake, moron smile on my face. But somewhere deep inside, it makes me sad to think of the fact that I’m no more a fun loving guy who had the endearing flair for mimicry and a cracking sense of humor to make people laugh. Today, I’m just a decaying corporate employee marooned in the mediocrity, slogging in office as well as traffic jams for hours together.

What a paradox. Have you ever wondered why a Government employee never wishes their colleagues a ‘Happy Week-end? We’re so much accustomed and habituated to reach deadline (I hate this ‘holy word’) that we forget everything that was supposed to be done on a weekday; we keep everything for the weekend. Almost everything. Well, I don’t want to talk about how to get rid of your intellectual rubbish, how to spend more time with your family and such nonsense crap. Just open your mailbox and you’ll find 100s of such shitty lectures over there.

But just think of it. When we retire and look through our life’s rear view mirrors, nobody will recall how many lines you’ve coded in a project or how many bugs you have found in a release. You are remembered for the silly things you did, a stupid PJ that you cracked or a team outing that was fun filled. So just stop being a workaholic and think of a way to laugh and make others laugh too.

By the way, my company has declared a holiday on Monday too. So I’m freed from this week’s installment of Monday blues. I wish you all, a loooooong, Happy, happy weekend…!!!!

P.S: This post is an outcome of getting choked in my office shuttle, on a Friday evening, in the middle of a 2 hour long traffic jam and my friend who couldn’t bear it, got out and said HAPPY WEEKEND..!!!

Spare the footpath please..

No issues at office. No traffic jams on my way back. Wow..!!! I had a good day. Or I thought so. As I got down from the bus and started walking back home, I heard someone honking and abusing me to give me way. I turned and it was a two wheeler rider. I told him that this is footpath. He started arguing with me. He asked me “is there any rule that says we can’t ride on footpath”. Well, that’s it. My adrenaline went so high that I wanted to lift the bike along with him and throw it as far as I could, some superhero way. But I could only yell and scream at him. Lucky him. And the good day that I thought of just a few minutes ago, was out of my mind.

Sadly, Bangalore is full of such great, thoughtful riders and drivers with an incredible traffic sense..!! People are killed on roads by the award winning, licensed to kill BMTC drivers. Any accident in Bangalore, an auto driver, for sure is directly/indirectly involved. F1 drivers turned call center cab drivers, 24/7 panic stricken female drivers… with all these people around, road safety has no meaning in Bangalore.

 BDA is doing a great job by widening the roads. They just forget to restore the footpath after widening is done. Forget road safety. It is out of question. If at all there is footpath in Bangalore, which in itself is a great thing (Thanks to BWSSB, BSNL, and KPTCL for the work they do). If at all there is a footpath, this is what you’ll find on it.

a) Roadside canteens

b) Paan shops
c) Self proclaimed smoking zones

d) Innerwear and pirated novel vendors

e) Bus shelters
f) Cars parked

And now, two wheelers in action. Pedestrians are horrified, walking with their heart in their mouth.

No wonder Bangalore is growing beyond imaginations. Phew…!!! Who could imagine vehicles on footpath elsewhere in the world..?? According to a survey by Secon Pvt. ltd., Bangalore’s Accident Severity Index (number of fatalities per 100 accidents) is 11.85 with 4500+ legal traffic violations everyday!

Our traffic cops are too busy blocking the roads and making the way for our politicians, accepting 100 bucks from every fellow motorist for the services they offer, great job. Take a bow traffic cops..!!! B-TRAC, a whopping 350 crore project (I’m wondering if they spent all money on just B-TRAC signboards) couldn’t provide enough roads for two wheelers that they’ve started using pedestrian footpaths.

Coming to you, dear rider, what the hell is wrong with you..??? Countryside dumb fucking shit head moron.. How can you ride on footpath? For god’s sake. IT IS FOOTPATH. F.O.O.T.P.A.T.H. How much time do you think you can save by taking footpath? 10 seconds, 30 seconds… a minute..??? On road, you do what you want. Wheeling, wheel spin, honk, Knock, park, pee, fuck, suck…. Whatever you want to. At least leave the footpath for pedestrians alone. Instead of hospital or graveyard, let them reach home.

The aftermath of Namma Metro

Some are delighted, some are cursing and others like me and you are plainly watching it. What more can we do? By the way, I’m talking about Namma Metro work that is going on almost everywhere in the city. Yeddi is cursing BMRCL for postponing the inauguration of phase 1 more than 3 times. Please excuse him. He was unaware that Metro needs safety clearances and approvals. He probably might have imagined the inauguration to be just like waving off those new Volvo buses in front of Vidhana Soudha. Damn those BMRCL engineers who didn’t put in the picture to him! And R Ashok is frowning that Metro doesn’t fall under his line of control.

Nevertheless, let’s hope that it’ll be launched at least by next Ugadi. I was just thinking some of the key areas that BMRCL might have ignored in order to keep the Metro, as Metro. I imagined Namma Metro strictly from a Bangalore’s local commuter standpoint. And I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. Within a week or a month of its launch, the Metro would go up! from a “Metro” standard to “Namma” standard. Here is how:

Coaches:

1. All the corners of the metro coach is going to be turned to dark red color (I don’t know the exact shade), proud contributions by all manickchand and pan parag lovers of our city. BMRCL can save some bucks if they leave the coaches unpainted.
2. The interiors of the coaches will be crafted by our fellow heart failed architects and designers. You’ll get to see I love you Archana, Vijay loves Swati.. and so on (carved with coins, compass and what not..) in all the coaches. Oh No.!!! The tagline “Har safar mein kahaani hai” is patented by Tata Magic. Poor BMRCL.
3. You’ll find the labels of “Piles and Fistula clinic by Dr. Mehboob Khan and Dastagir Khan”, “Earn extra income part time/full time” and “Musli Power Capsules” on the body, window and every other possible place of the coach.

Stations:

1. Metro doesn’t pass through most of our vicinities. As always, you’ll have to take a BMTC or an auto to come to a metro station. The rest is self explanatory. In case you take car/bike, you’ll have to shell out more money than your whole journey to park your vehicle. If the parking fee is minimal, then you’ll find no place. Double the trouble for you.
2. All the beggars in front of the station will have very high expectations (more than your managers) on you since you’re a “metro” traveler!!!
3. The rest rooms in the stations, within no time will be upgraded to the standards of those in Kempegowda Bus stand.

Politics:

1. Ka. Ra. Ve will stage a protest to demand that one of the stations be named after Kempegowda. JD(S) will say one should have name of Devegowda. T. A Narayana Gowda, Sadananda Gowda will come into picture andfinally it'll not be named after any gowda.
2. Pramila Nesargi will file a PIL that there should be dedicated coaches for ladies to Vidhana Soudha on weekdays.
3. ________________________ (This is intentionally left blank and will be edited once something interesting happens (I’m very much certain something WILL come up)

If you really think you can manage with above things, you’ll be assured a safe, free from traffic and a happy journey. But above all, what I really, really expect with the arrival of Namma Metro, is that, people don’t get a chance to give one universal reason for all their hopeless time management skills.. “Traffic Jam”

P.S: If you find a metro coach seat in Sunday Bazaar or Shivajinagar gujri or someone’s home in Tannery road, please don’t panic. It’s just that you can never ever under estimate a fellow Bangalorean.