Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The "wild wild" west

It all flashed in my mind while reading Purba’s post about stereotyping. How do people around the world recognize us, Indians with absolutely no difficulty at all? Have you ever given it a thought? Given the fact that we are a billion people, with at least a million different ethnic group and culture, caste, color, creed and etc. etc. People get to know that a person is Indian within no time. Not because of our physical appearance or lexis, I think it is because of the behavioral competencies that we all possess. Be it good or bad, but it is true.

Just brood over these things. These are some of the exclusively patented Indian essentials, which no one else can even envisage in their wildest dreams. Naming your pet dog or cat as “Tiger”. Assume the freedom to spit and shit anywhere and everywhere. Call someone in the wee hours and ask if you were sleeping.

 On the Contrary, my boss in US, who has adopted a dog because he’s got no kids (Yes! It is true), carries a plastic bag with him whenever he takes the dog out for a walk, just to dispose the shit off in case the dog shits in public place. Once he called me when I was on vacation and literally apologized to me for having to ask about official work while I was on vacation. How many of us Indians do this?
I’m not getting into blame game and start off comparing Indian managers (I know they are under tremendous pressure to be bad) or question their customs and habits. But it just makes me think. What we need to learn from west is this: Love and care for things around you. Not their awkward junk food habits from KFC and Big M or hopeless fashion statements of girls or guys’ low waist jeans with undies visible. I hate to say this and we never accept this fact; but Indians (Well, most of us) are the most self centered, selfish creatures on this planet. He who said that egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity must have said it after his visit to India. But I know that I can’t put the whole blame on us alone. On the other hand, see Gods too are fond of jokes. Look at the way Gods have balanced the socio-physical disparity in the world. He gave Indians big brains. But instead of using it for the big purposes, we use it, most of the time only to wonder why Africans have big dicks and no brains. I’m surprised by the rapidity at which we are changing the “Indian”ness in us and inheriting the unwanted elements of western culture.

 Why are we forgetting the great musical heritage of India and inserting a holy piece of western shit called rap in every goddamn Indian song? Why are the junk and unhealthy pizzas gaining more popularity than the good parathas ? Why is the divorce rate on the rise? Why are Indians spending so much on things that they can’t even afford? If an Indian can stop himself from shitting in public places in Singapore, why can’t he do it in India? If you can follow lane discipline in interstate expressways of USA, why are you not doing it here?

 FYI, in reality west was nonexistent just 500 years ago. And here we are; leaving the legacy of our own 8000 year old customs and traditions and imitating them in all possible way and becoming heir to western nonsense. Whatte a tragic irony..! Instead of unwanted things, for a change, keeping the “wild wild west” at bay, why can’t we adapt something good from them?  Let us inherit car pooling from west. Let us adapt their love and care for the neighborhood. Let’s learn to respect the system. Let us practice to follow the rules everywhere. Let us get a feel for cleanliness. Above all, let us start behaving as humans. What say..?

Image courtesy: and

Thursday, December 1, 2011

ಪರಮಾತ್ಮ – ಕಾಲೇಜ್ ಗೇಟ್ – The Pivot Mix

ಮನೆ Gate ನಲ್ಲಿ tight ಆಗಿ ಬಂದವರ ಕಾಪಾಡೋ.. ಎಣ್ಣೀಶ್ವರ… Aaaa
ಹೆಂಡ್ತಿ ಕೈಯಲ್ಲಿ ಪೊರಕೆ…. Long ಆಗಿ ಕಾಣುವುದು.. ಏನ್ಮಾಡ್ಲಿ.. ಮಾಡ್ಲಿ ಎಣ್ಣೀಶ್ವರ
ಒಳಗೊಬ್ಬ ಒಬ್ಬ ಒಬ್ಬ ಒಬ್ಬ ಪರಮಾತ್ಮ
Tight ಆಗು ಆಗು ಆಗು ಅಂತಾನೆ 
ನಮ್ಮಪ್ಪ ಅಪ್ಪ ಅಪ್ಪ ಅಪ್ಪ ಪುಣ್ಯಾತ್ಮ 
ಉದ್ಧಾರ ಆಗು ಆಗು ಅಂತಾನೆ   

| Tight ಅಗದೊರುಂಟೇ ಎಣ್ಣೀಶ್ವರ.. Night ಎಲ್ಲ ಏನ್ ಮಾಡ್ಲಿ Kick ಇಲ್ದಿರ |
|| ತನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂ ಡೂನ ||2||

ಒಂದ್ ಒಂದ್ಲ ಒಂದು, ಎರಡು ಪ್ಯಾಕೆಟ್ ತಂದು, ಉಪ್ಪಿನಕಾಯಿ ತಿಂದು, taste ನೋಡು ಎಂದು
Oh My Godzilla.. What a combination..
Blended Scotch-u, ಕುಡಿದೋನೆ loose-u, packet-u ಕುಡಿದು ತೇಲೋನೆ Boss-u
Bottoms up ಮಾಡ್ಬಿಟ್ಟೆ ಒಂದೇ ಸಲ, ಇನ್ನೆಷ್ಟು ಕುಡಿಯೋದು pivot ಥರ
Try ಮಾಡು ಏನಾದ್ರು ಬೇರೆ ಥರ, Mix ಮಾಡು packet ಗೆ ಎಳನೀರ
Girlfriend-u ಹುಡುಗ Lifeನಲ್ Entry ಕೊಟ್ಳು
ಆಮೇಲೆ ನಮ್ ಹುಡುಗ, BAR ನಲ್ಲೆ settle-u
Dining-u hall ನಲ್ಲಿ ನನ್ನ ಪರಮಾತ್ಮ,
ನೀರ್ ಲೋಟದಲ್ಲಿ Beer ಬೇಕು ಅಂತಾನೆ
ಮನೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ನಾನೇ ಒಬ್ನೇ ಒಳ್ಳೆ ಪುಣ್ಯಾತ್ಮ
ಕುಡಿಯೋದು ಮನೇಲಿ ಗೊತ್ತಾ ಅನ್ನೋದೇ ಪ್ರಶ್ನೆ…!!!

| Hot drinks ಸರಿ ಇಲ್ಲ ಎಣ್ಣೀಶ್ವರ.. Taste-u ಇರಬಾರದ fruit juice ಥರ |   
|| ತನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂ ಡೂನ ||2||

ಕುಡ್ಕೊಂಡು ಕುಡ್ಕೊಂಡು ಕುಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರು. Tight ಆದ್ರೆ Omelet-u ಹಾಕು ಗುರು
ಇಲ್ಲಿಂದ ಹೋಗ್ತಾರ ಯಾರಾದರೂ.. Bar-u Temple-u ಇಲ್ಲೇ ಇರು
Bar ಒಂದು ಭಗವಂತ ಇಟ್ಟಿರುವಾ ಟೋಪಿ.. ಇಲ್ಲಿಂದ Tunn ಆಗ್ದೇ ಹೋದವನೇ ಪಾಪಿ
PUC ವರೆಗೂ ಗಾಂಧಿ ಆಗಿದ್ದ ಪುಣ್ಯಾತ್ಮ
ಡೌವ್ ವಿಷಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಕುಡಿದು ದೇವರಾಗ್ಲಿಲ್ವೆ
ಅನಿಸಿದ್ದು ಕುಡಿಯುವವನೆ ದೊಡ್ಡ ಪುಣ್ಯಾತ್ಮ
ಕುಡಿದ್ ಮೇಲೆ ಏನಾಗುತ್ತೆ.. ನಮಗೆ ಗೊತ್ತಿಲ್ವೆ

| Quarter-e ಸಾಲ್ತಿಲ್ಲ ಎಣ್ಣೀಶ್ವರ... Full bottle ಎತ್ ಬಿಡ್ಲಾ ಒಂದೇ ಸಲಾ |
|| ತನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂನ ಡೂ ಡೂನ ||2||
Bar-u ಶಾaaaaaaaaaaaaaಶ್ವತ…!!!

 ಮೂಲ ಸಾಹಿತ್ಯ: ಯೋಗರಾಜ್ ಭಟ್

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Tips for NRIs to get back to Indian milieu

One thing I’m not able to comprehend, and of course, put up with, is the behavior of some middle class Indians after coming back from abroad. I’ve always wondered how just one visit can change the perception of a country in which you’ve lived for ages. Its a nice country. We agree. But even they know the value of freedom that they enjoy in India. Just for show off, they’ll start criticizing our practices in each and every moment. You’ll put so much, so much and so much of hypocritical mediocre melodrama only to make an ass of yourself. You might have visited US and UK, but you just can’t camouflage the “bachat-bencho” in you. He just comes out in one way or the other. Here are some tips exclusively crafted for the Indian foreign returns to get back to Indian milieu.

Bargaining: Before visiting US/UK, you were doing amazingly well with resident phrases like benchos and gaandus. After coming back, all of a sudden, you started using fuck, dick and suck even while talking in mother tongue. Why? Just because an Indian roadside vendor honored you with bencho and gaandu, it sounds so downcast and local to you? Then shut the fuck up, stop bargaining and pay him properly in India also (just the way you pay there). You come from a nation where scams account to several million dollars and you bargain for 10 bucks..?? Shame on your NRI rank. Bargaining with roadside vendors and vegetable sellers is not saving money. It’s a euphemistic way of begging. Teri NRI ki.

Calculations: You tell everyone about how cheaply Asians are treated there. But did you tell them about how cheaply you tried to dodge from giving a 5$ tip? Your mind swiftly calculates the value of 5$ (5x48.5 = 242.5) faster than Shakuntala Devi and you realize that you can buy a pair of Poombukar underwear or evade the tip another 39 times and buy an iPhone for yourself. Your 5$ saving won’t bring any fortune to Indian economy. So please behave like a Human Being, everywhere.

News update: When the citizens of US and UK is only not interested in knowing what is happening around, you have utmost and  divine interest in knowing what is going on there. So you sit in the loo with your laptop/tablet on and read Washington post and The Guardian online. And you want to tell the whole world what you read just now. So you compare India with that and put it on your facebook wall. How useless you could get..? Truly, reading a vernacular newspaper will at least tell you whether there’s going to be water scarcity today in your locality which is one hundred times better than reading Washington post and Guardian in the toilet and ending up without water. 

Change in lifestyle: Right from your childhood, you roamed every street and played every game in barefoot. But just because those noble Englishmen pulled the wool over your eyes and incepted the shit of cleanliness and hygiene in your guttery head, you start wearing floaters inside house also as if your palm is coated with Gold. I’m not against Hygiene, but use your brains you goddam lame ass dumb witted shithead moron; if you can live without wearing floaters inside home for 25 years, so can you for the rest of your life.

And the mother of all exasperation is your comparison: You see traffic jam, a public function, a mob, a stray dog, a marriage: you start off. “In UKKaaaaaaaaaay”, “In USSaaaaaaaaaaaaaay” and my mid fingers get an urge to involuntarily foxtrot in front of your face until you shut the holy fuck up. I lose my control when you compare the sophisticated and disciplined western beggars and their Indian counterparts. I really want to say “You better get the fuck out of my country before I kick your ass so hard that you won’t be able to s(h)it and beg”. I can tolerate Navjot Sidhu’s commentary and speech (at least he speaks FOR India). But I can’t stand your comparison. For heaven's sake, spare India. We really can’t take it.

In so many endeavors like Yoga and Ayurveda, the whole world is realizing India’s true potential and here we are, losing our originality and getting influenced from west because of morons like you. You show your Na Raha Indian (NRI) skills in foreign countries only. When you come back to India, just be a proud Indian. Either way, we know that you are Not Required Indian (NRI) only.