Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Open letter to a Bangalore Auto Driver

No doubt, Bangalore has grown beyond imagination. It got the global recognition in such short span of time, which has envied the neighboring cities. We have soooo much to boast about. But really, what are the things that have put Bangalore on the world? After scratching my head for a long time, I could zero in on three things.

1. Information Technology, for obvious reasons.
2. Reddy Brothers, for more obvious reasons.3. Bangalore Auto Drivers

Everyone talks about IT, we read so much of Yeddi v/s Reddy everyday, but no media has ever tried to bring namma auto drivers to limelight. Why is this injustice..?? Well, my love for Bangalore and, of course with a couple of “breathtaking” experiences, I dedicate this chunk of my blog to Bangalore Auto Drivers a.k.a BAD.

My dear BAD, thank you for all the services. I really appreciate your choice to serve the public. Well, you bastards don’t have any other option. Do you..?? Who on earth would give you a job..?? We really can’t expect you asshole to get into a job and “earn” some bucks. I totally stand by your choice. But really, why do you suck so much..??? Do you think you’re doing some fuckin charity work for public?
 A BIG thank you for your worthless existence. Without you, we wouldn’t have had the trouble of talking to a countryside hooligan on a Monday morning, whose mouth stink more than an open drainage. What a way to start our week…!!! Who the hell wants to listen to your senseless speech? Shut the fuck up and drive.I totally agree about that posture with which you drive. Your balls might itch so much coz your underwear’s never been washed since day1. Please bring this to Mr. Yeddi’s notice. He’ll come up with a subsidized scheme with a funky name like “Chalakara Cheddi” to distribute underpants to all you guys and we can see the statistics in all hoardings of Bangalore.

 Who the fuck approves your driving licenses..?? Screw all the Transport officials who think you can drive. Do they have the faintest idea of how you drive..?? Instead of testing your driving skills, had they asked you to show right and left, you dumb fucking morons would never get your licenses in lifetime.

And talking about your demand, why can’t you just accept what’s on the meter? Excluding Mr. R. Ashok, every fellow bangalorean knows that your meter jumps more than Anju Bobby George could in the recent Olympics. We are so aware of the fact that you spend all your earnings on those horny sluts you pick up every night and run out of change. So you beg for more every time. Even school kids are taking your names. They are coming up new Oxymoron like “Honest auto driver” and “Un tampered Auto Meter”.

Even in big cities like London, Paris NYC, taxi drivers take us where we tell them. What the holy fuck is your problem? Do YOU decide where we want to go..?? WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Just like we didn’t give a damn when Prasad Bidappa said I’m a fashion guru. And what you do you think of your shit wrapped, stinking vehicle. A Hummer..?? Huh, come on… If a passenger, out of pure frustration rams his hand on your auto, it will diminish into a mere 50 kilo of holy (s)crap, which even the cheapest scrapwala in shivajinagar wouldn’t accept for 20 bucks.
 Bangalore is now the Asthma capital of India. All thanks to you dumb witted mother fucker, for two wheelers have no other go but to follow you with a BLACK SMOKE, darker than your private parts, is choking our lungs. Special thanks to our traffic police who seem to have removed the emission norms for autos, for a mere 100 bucks. I’m really sick of the transport authority who’s not paying attention to all these “dignified deeds” of yours. And the media is really busy covering issues of national importance like “How a cat climbs to the attic”, “Man with 38 wives” (He must be an auto driver..!!!) and of course “Heegoo Unte”

Finally, I’m so sorry for writing only your introduction. I feel sad for not being able to cover all your tales. I really want to write a book on you, but no freaking publisher on this earth is gonna gimme a chance, coz every bangalorean knows everything about you. Again Mr. Yeddyurappa & co is an exception. But I promise you one thing. Whenever I see you in trouble, on humanity grounds, I will stop by, dance with annamma steps, whistle as loudly as I can and say these 3 consoling words to you. “Saayi.. Boli Magane…”

And please switch off that fucking, local FM stereo. It sounds like Mallikarjun Kharge is whispering in my ears..!!

P.S: This doesn’t apply to those 2 “GOOD” auto drivers I’ve seen in past 25 years.