Sunday, September 25, 2011

The wedlock and the deadlock

Yahoo! I’m back in the city. The best thing that can ever happen to any Bangalorean is coming back to namma city from any part of Tamil Nadu. Frankly, Till now, I haven’t seen a Hindi speaking Madras-e. Keeping that aside and coming to the point, this time, I am very happy. It’s festive season in my friends' circle. All guys are losing their bachelors and girls, gaining their masters. Yes! All the buddy maklu’s in my gang are getting into conjugal bliss. And my worst fears have always come true. So I’m pretty sure this will happen to me sometime in the (near) future. But for now, I’m more than happy to see my friends crossing the quarter life crisis barrier (didn’t know this even existed, until one of my friend told me about it) happily and entering the zone of “You can’t envisage what”.
Although I couldn’t find anyone, this marriage gave me a great insight into marriages. At the same time, Khamba wrote about Relationship Limbos. Co incidence..??

You can LYAO, ROFL and LOL at it. But, if a bunch of IT guys are in the bachelor’s party this is what we end up discussing: It starts with Windows 8 developer beta and Steve Jobs stepping down as CEO and future of Apple. After sometime, it diverts collectively to marriage. Like this:

1.     Marriage is not like your Application Development projects to code, test, deploy and forget. It’s rather an Application Maintenance project contracted for a lifetime.
2.     It involves Incidents, Requests and Problems to solve.
3.     You must know your error codes before executing your query.
4.     You have to impress your clients, no matter how annoying they are (Told by the groom himself :)
5.     Emergency fixes, backing out codes and performance tuning have to be done often to prevent it from abending (abnormal ending).
There was whole lot of other things we did. But owing to the great whether and the hopeless party materials you get in Chennai, this is all I could remember. But still, the bachelor’s party was ecstatic (Stop imagining :-)

I had never observed a marriage this closely. I was amazed at the energy levels of all the relatives and friends. With so much enthusiasm, they do all the things. But I’ve no idea why the hell do they forget the Groom. I felt really sorry for him. It is fun going to a marriage. But getting married… OMG!  Not easy. No, No, No, No. not at all. And these are some of the bizarre and weird things I observed in the marriage. Read carefully. (Might help you also;-)

1.     Marriage is definitely not “He tried, she smiled and the baby cried” story.
2.     Never believe in Chetan Bhagat’s collective piece of shit on marriages– 2 States: The story of my marriage. Its more fictitious than he himself could possibly imagine.
3. If you think, your boss is more commanding, just wait for your marriage photographer.
4. Like ‘No break’ movies on Star Gold, you will have to fake a smile, for 2 days without break. Practice it.
5. If you can’t see your hard earned money being spent extravagantly and bountifully, eloping with your girlfriend would be the best option. Consequences at your own risk.
6. The dhoti you wear will make you more uncomfortable than your entire dehydration affliction put together. Please take necessary precautions.
7. If beautiful babes are not expected, inform your buddies, beforehand (We expect this!)
8. You’ll most certainly develop a hatred for music if there is any orchestra arranged for the evening.
9. If you are getting married in Chennai, for Amma’s sake
                        a) Book an air conditioned convention hall. Else, chances are that all women in the marriage hall will turn black and white. (with their actual color and make up washed out with sweat).
                        b) Along with invite, give a Kannada to Tamil Rapidex speaking course book.
                        c) Order catering from Saravana Bhavan (That’s the ONLY hotel in Chennai where humans can eat).
10. Put an end to your thinking that Career, Money and Fun are all 3 things that sums up for your happy living.
11. And above all and beyond everything,

Make sure you understand the 4th Dimension, perhaps the most important of all values– “Relationship” 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

“YOUR” value in “OUR” country

The phrase “History repeats” holds very well in India. Ironically, an incident, even before becoming history, repeats in India. Blasts, scams, train accidents, air crash, everything! That too not just once or twice, but several times. Yes…!!! Fate in India seems to have a disclaimer “To be continued…”

Ambulance in traffic jams:  This is almost everyday sight to me. The “who cares” attitude of our fellow motorists has reached heights. When there is an ambulance stuck in traffic, everyone starts honking so loudly, as if they’re concerned and worried, but no one moves. The honking decibel gain is so much (I know you’re one of the honkers) that the siren goes unheard. No one moves thinking it’s just the motorists composing some tunes. End result – The ambulance becomes the Vaikunta Yatra vehicle. And you, the traffic cop..?? I know you’ve bribed to get this job. But at least when someone’s life is at stake, shut the fuck up and do your duty. How easily you zoom through the traffic while dropping off your loved ones to their destination on the pulsar given to you. Make some way for the ambulance also. Or did they ask you a lakh more to train you on how to stop vehicles?

Train accidents:  Like in a Hollywood flick, trains keep on ramming each other, that too, head on. And people sleeping inside are put to sleep forever. I can bet you the frequency of train accidents in India is more than Siddharth Mallya brushing his teeth. This, I say, is the result of hiring all the local bastards who can’t even speak the national language. You say Teri Maa and they’ll hear it teriyuma: Talking to a TC in any of the Chennai-Bangalore train is nothing less than a trauma. Thanks to the “great” reservations in Indian railway jobs. What happened yesterday night is the 3rd major rail mishap in past 2 months. But which fucking railway minister has taken measures to learn from mistakes? “One of the World’s largest railway network”, “World’s largest Employer” with a rich “150 years of experience”, Indian Railways does not have simple technology in place to stop two trains when they run on the same track. This, if I’m not wrong, is a simple high school science project. And Congress talks of austerity and Rahul Gandhi travels in Jan Shatabdi. What a political game show..??

Bomb Blasts: I really don’t have to tell you anything about this. Mall, train, Market and now in high court also…!! Where else is aam aadmi safe? I remember Naseeruddin Shah’s dialog in a famous movie. “Rathore sahab mujhe yakin hai ki jo train blast huye wo sirf ek terrorist activity nahi thi, wo ek bahut bada saawal tha, aur wo sawaal ye tha ki “Bhai hum to tumhe isi tarah marenge, tum kya kar loge??”  Yes, they asked us this Question on a Friday and repeated it on Tuesday”. But unfortunately, we are still waiting to reply on a Wednesday..!!! What has Mr. P Chidambaram done, every time a bomb blast occurred, other than giving death statistics to media? 11/7, 26/11, 13/7, 7/9… The list is going on and on and on. How many more of these dates do we need to remember..?? While our leaders are so occupied creating a scam out of soldier’s bulletproof jackets, Kasab, Afzal Guru and many others are partying hard in prison. Murugan grabbed the free fuck offer from visiting wife Nalini. (Onam gift from congress?) Raja, Kanimozhi, Kalmadi and Janardhana Reddy are practicing the group song “Main karun to saala, character dheela hai” to perform in the Gandhi Jayanti celebrations. Wow! I think the movie ‘A Wednesday’ would have made more or rather perfect sense if there were these people in place of terrorists. 

With all these happenings, what do you think is the “value” of your life, in India? Well, if you’re counting your assets and bank balance sheets, I’m really sorry. Tragically, it’s nothing more than a death compensation ranging from 50,000 to a lakh (Hoping that middle men don’t pocket in at least this). Because you never know when and where you’ll run out of luck. It makes me sad to say that “Life” has such cheap value in this great country.  

After all, what difference does it make to them, if a mere 100 is lessened in the midst of a billion people?

Friday, September 9, 2011

ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು

ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು 
ಮೆಟ್ಟಿ ದರೆ IT ಮಣ್ಣ ಮೆಟ್ಟಬೇಕು 
ಬದುಕಿದು ಜಟಕಾ ಬಂಡಿ 
ಇದು ನಾವ್ ತೋಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರೋ ಗುಂಡಿ
ಬದುಕಿದು ಜಟಕಾ ಬಂಡಿ 
ಇದು ನಾವ್ ತೋಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರೋ ಗುಂಡಿ

||  ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ||

C # ನಲ್ ಕೋಡಿಂಗ್ ಮಾಡು
QTP ಲ್ ಟೆಸ್ಟಿಂಗ್ ಮಾಡು
ಡೆಡ್ ಲೈನು ಬಂತು ಅಂದ್ರೆ
ಸಿಕ್ ಲೀವು ಹಾಕಿ ಓಡು.

ಆನ್ ಸೈಟು, US UK
ಬಾಳಲ್ಲಿ ಒಮ್ಮೆ ನೋಡು
ಡಾಲರು ಪೌಂಡ್ ಜೊತೆ
ರುಪಾಯಿ  ತೂಕ ಮಾಡು
ಕೋಡ್ ಮಾಡಕ್ ಕೋಟಿ ಭಾಷೆ
ಮರ್ತ್ ಹೋಯ್ತು ಕನ್ನಡ ಭಾಷೆ 
ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷೇ, ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷೇ... ಎಲ್ಲೆಲ್ಲೂ ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷೇ

||  ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ||

ಡೇಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ಭೂಮಿ ಇದು
ಔಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ಸ್ವರ್ಗ ಇದು
ಮೇಕ್ ಅಪ್ ಗೆ ಶಾಲೆ ಇದು
ಬ್ರೇಕ್ ಅಪ್  ಗೆ ಪೀಠ ಇದು.

ಮೀಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ಕಲ್ಪ ಇದು
ರೇಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ತಲ್ಪ ಇದು
Traffic Jam ಗೋಳು ಇದು
ನೆಮ್ಮದಿನೆ ಹಾಳು ಇದು
Microsoft, Apple ನಿಂದ,
Infosys, Wipro ಇಂದ
ಕನ್ನಡ ಕನ್ನಡ.. ಹಾಳಾಯ್ತು ನಮ್ ಕನ್ನಡ..

||  ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ||

Defect  ಬೆನ್ನು ಹತ್ತಿ
Infinite loopu ಸುತ್ತಿ
Fix ಅನ್ನು ಕೊಟ್ಟ ಮೇಲೂ
Email e ನಮಗೆ ಮೇಲು.

NRN ಕಂಡ ನಮಗೆ
Bill Gates ಯಾಕೆ ಬೇಕು
Premji ನ ಕಂಡ ನಮಗೆ
Steve Jobs ಯಾಕೆ ಬೇಕು
ಮುಂದಿನ ನನ್ನ ಜನುಮ code ಮಾಡಿದಂತೆ ಬ್ರಹ್ಮ
ಇಲ್ಲಿಯೇ ಇಲ್ಲಿಯೇ..
ಎಂದೆಂದಿಗೂ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿಯೇ...!!!!

|| ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು, ಮೆಟ್ಟಿ ದರೆ IT ಮಣ್ಣ ಮೆಟ್ಟಬೇಕು..
ಬದುಕಿದು ಜಟಕಾ ಬಂಡಿ, ಇದು ನಾವ್ ತೋಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರೋ ಗುಂಡಿ ||

  ಬ್ಲಾಗ್ ಪೋಸ್ಟ್ ಕೇವಲ ಮನೋರಂಜನೆಗಾಗಿ ಮಾತ್ರಯಾವುದೇ ಘಟನೆ, ವ್ಯಕ್ತಿ ಅಥವ ಅವರ ಕೆಲಸಗಳನ್ನು ಅವಲಂಬಿಸಿರುವುದಿಲ್ಲ.   ಹಾಗೇನಾದರೂ ಇದ್ದಲ್ಲಿ ಅದು ಕಾಕತಾಳೀಯವಷ್ಟೇ. ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಕನ್ನಡ ನಾಡಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು ಈ ಮಧುರ ಹಾಡನ್ನು ಬರೆದ ಹಂಸಲೇಖ ರವರಿಗೂ ಅದನ್ನು ಹಾಡಿದ ಡಾ|| ರಾಜ್ ರವರಿಗೂ ನನ್ನ ಹೃದಯಪೂರ್ವಕ ನಮನಗಳು.
ಚಿತ್ರ ಕೃಪೆ: ಗೂಗಲ್.ಕಾಮ್