The aftermath of Namma Metro

Some are delighted, some are cursing and others like me and you are plainly watching it. What more can we do? By the way, I’m talking about Namma Metro work that is going on almost everywhere in the city. Yeddi is cursing BMRCL for postponing the inauguration of phase 1 more than 3 times. Please excuse him. He was unaware that Metro needs safety clearances and approvals. He probably might have imagined the inauguration to be just like waving off those new Volvo buses in front of Vidhana Soudha. Damn those BMRCL engineers who didn’t put in the picture to him! And R Ashok is frowning that Metro doesn’t fall under his line of control.

Nevertheless, let’s hope that it’ll be launched at least by next Ugadi. I was just thinking some of the key areas that BMRCL might have ignored in order to keep the Metro, as Metro. I imagined Namma Metro strictly from a Bangalore’s local commuter standpoint. And I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. Within a week or a month of its launch, the Metro would go up! from a “Metro” standard to “Namma” standard. Here is how:

Coaches:

1. All the corners of the metro coach is going to be turned to dark red color (I don’t know the exact shade), proud contributions by all manickchand and pan parag lovers of our city. BMRCL can save some bucks if they leave the coaches unpainted.
2. The interiors of the coaches will be crafted by our fellow heart failed architects and designers. You’ll get to see I love you Archana, Vijay loves Swati.. and so on (carved with coins, compass and what not..) in all the coaches. Oh No.!!! The tagline “Har safar mein kahaani hai” is patented by Tata Magic. Poor BMRCL.
3. You’ll find the labels of “Piles and Fistula clinic by Dr. Mehboob Khan and Dastagir Khan”, “Earn extra income part time/full time” and “Musli Power Capsules” on the body, window and every other possible place of the coach.

Stations:

1. Metro doesn’t pass through most of our vicinities. As always, you’ll have to take a BMTC or an auto to come to a metro station. The rest is self explanatory. In case you take car/bike, you’ll have to shell out more money than your whole journey to park your vehicle. If the parking fee is minimal, then you’ll find no place. Double the trouble for you.
2. All the beggars in front of the station will have very high expectations (more than your managers) on you since you’re a “metro” traveler!!!
3. The rest rooms in the stations, within no time will be upgraded to the standards of those in Kempegowda Bus stand.

Politics:

1. Ka. Ra. Ve will stage a protest to demand that one of the stations be named after Kempegowda. JD(S) will say one should have name of Devegowda. T. A Narayana Gowda, Sadananda Gowda will come into picture andfinally it'll not be named after any gowda.
2. Pramila Nesargi will file a PIL that there should be dedicated coaches for ladies to Vidhana Soudha on weekdays.
3. ________________________ (This is intentionally left blank and will be edited once something interesting happens (I’m very much certain something WILL come up)

If you really think you can manage with above things, you’ll be assured a safe, free from traffic and a happy journey. But above all, what I really, really expect with the arrival of Namma Metro, is that, people don’t get a chance to give one universal reason for all their hopeless time management skills.. “Traffic Jam”

P.S: If you find a metro coach seat in Sunday Bazaar or Shivajinagar gujri or someone’s home in Tannery road, please don’t panic. It’s just that you can never ever under estimate a fellow Bangalorean.

Top 5 most annoying things on facebook

This post needs no introduction. So I’m directly diving into the topic. Haven’t you ever, at least once, felt Facebook’s going nowhere..??? Other than the fact that it’s giving publicity to my blog, I’ve been losing interest in it, big time. I pondered what the reasons are and I found many. Here is the Top 5.

5. The about Me’s: “I’m the coolest Virgo/The most adventurous Piscean....”
Who the hell wants to know your sun sign..?? You’ve mentioned you date of birth. That’s more than enough. You tell your sun sign and you want us to figure out what it is..?? Holy shit.. Do you think we are CID Pradhyuman’s fans to go into that much of detail..??? And what about writing dialogs and song excerpts? Who the hell you think you are..?? Anand Bakshi..?? Gulzar..?? Or Wordsworth..??? You should be ashamed of yourself..

4. The Likes and the Super Likes: Someone says something good; I appreciate that you are appreciating it. You like it and comment it saying super like. Why, Why, Why..??? “Like” was an out of the box concept. Please let it be.. Mr. Zukerberg is not considering of including Super like, Ultra Like, Mega Like, Bumper Like, Solid Like and so on.. Please stop using those short lived super likes..!! Its irritating.

3. Tagging you: It’s so common for me to wake up on a weekend to find whopping 45-50 notifications on my profile because some moron would have tagged me in a stupid flower vase image or a digitized “god knows what it is” image and everyone (literally) in his/her friend list has commented, liked, super liked on it. Some even commented why I am not tagged. God knows which asylum these taggers come from, but hell, it’s annoying to the core. Please tag me, only if my bloody face is visible in the image. (I’m crying.. :-()

2. “Checking In”: This is the latest and the dumbest buzz on facebook. You checked into a hotel. Good. You checked out of airport, Great. You checked into a brothel. Fantastic..!!! But who the hell told you that you can check in and out of your own home, Moron..??? We can’t take it... WE REALLY CAN’T TAKE 365 (or if you go home 10 times, that’s a fucking 3650) check ins and check outs on our wall. Please spare us. Till this second, I’m only glad to have not seen someone checked in and out of Toilet on my wall. Thank heavens.!!!!

1. And Finally, the most irritating
a) Sindhu’s Chickens are mighty and hungry and need to be fed.
b) Meera Raghavan wants to share a bunch of beautiful electric roses
c) Sandy’s pig found a brown truffle on your farm
d) Do you think Tejaswi is Gay..???
e) Is Deepthi Hathwar sexy..???

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Oops. Did that remind you of Himesh..?? I’m very sorry. But Nooooooooooooooo. I’m really, terribly, awkwardly upset because of these kinds of updates on my wall. Fuck off. FUCK OOOOOOFFFFFF..!!! Who on earth creates such applications..?? What on earth will make you think you’ve to use this app..??? I say CIA should’ve included those creators and users of these apps in the hit list, with Osama. Use your brains, at least occasionally, pleeeeease.

Rest, facebook is good, fun and “THE” thing to keep in touch with your buddies and know what’s up with them. Now that I’ve told you all these, please don’t take revenge on me by posting the above on my wall. Happy facebooking.. :o)

Aam Aadmi and his Tax-o-Nomy

Warning: All incidents in this story are REAL and not a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person’s lifestyle (especially if you are a software engineer) is truly genuine, authentic and certainly not co incidental.

Not so long ago, before I stepped into Professional world, my life was perfectly blissful. But then, I failed to realize this fact. And today, because of my ignorance, I am paying a heavy tax.

It all started with me passing my bachelors with flying colors (?) and getting placed in an MNC. I looked @ the offer and was more than contented. But of course, like any other software engineer, it didn’t last long. By the time I understood that I was paid peanuts, I had already paid a very high “INCOME TAX”.

I got bored of it and thought of doing some business and make good money. I started a venture which did not make its mark. But the losses were huge because of the “COMMERCIAL TAX”.

I ran into losses and decided to sell the left over raw material. I sold it, but I was again at loss because I had to shell out huge “SALES TAX’ to the government.

Dejected, I could not think of business anymore. With some money left, I purchased a beautiful house in one of the posh localities of Bangalore. That too went beyond my budget because of the “PROPERTY TAX”.

In between all these, I fell in love with my neighbor, which meant more tax…!! I couldn’t take her everywhere in bus/auto. So I decided to book a car. When I got it delivered, I was shocked to see that I had to shell out nearly a lakh more. They call it the “ROAD TAX”.

I took her to a movie. But the tickets were exorbitantly priced. When I asked why, they said “ENTERTAINMENT TAX” is very high in Bangalore.

I got frustrated and took her to a nearby restaurant to have dinner. I saw the bill and some amount was additional. The bearer told me that it was “SERVICE TAX”

On her birthday, I promised to present her a gold ring. But the cost was just unbearable. The jeweler clarified that on anything and everything you buy, there will be a “VALUE ADDED TAX (VAT)”

No prize for guesses, my girlfriend ditched me after that. No money, No girlfriend. My age of loneliness took me to a pub. I boozed so heavily that I wanted to forget tax, girlfriend…and everything that happened to me. But all the kick drained out after I saw the bill. The bartender explained to me, the bill was high because of “EXCISE DUTY”

I was so depressed with my life that wanted salvation from all these. I decided to run away to a remote, distant and far off place where no one would recognize me or disturb me. I was not even 30 km away and had reached Hosur, I was out of money to pay for “TOLL ROAD TAX and INTER STATE ENTRY TAX”

And today, with god's grace, I’ve got back my job as software engineer and everything is normal just like how it was before…….

………. except for the two new components added to my pay slip.

“EDUCATION CESS and PROFESSIONAL TAX”

The Yekkada, The Yennada and The Kannada

It never occurred to me until I saw the Census 2011 statistics. The globalization effect has tampered the vernacular culture of Bangalore dreadfully. Yes..!! Bangalore has taken the biggest hit of globalization. A whooping 95 million people in Bangalore..!!! It was just (?) 65 million in 2001. 30 million more people (that’s 46% increase…!!!) in just 10 years..??? Tragically, there’s hardly any increase in Kannadiga numbers. Local people in Karnataka are a mere 38%. Not sure if the inverse effect of this is seen in California. But I felt bad, really bad.
I’m very certain that we all know about it, fume about it every time the topic arises when we all party at friends place. But the question here is, being Kannadiga, am I doing my least bit to restore the Kannada glory..??? The answer is a confident NO. I don’t know how all my non kannadiga friends will react to this post, but in a desperate effort to save Bangalore from vernacular people becoming minorities, I had to write this.
Change your Slang: Use as much Kannada as you can. Stop showing off by talking in English… At least with chai walas and bus conductors (Trouble an Auto wala instead!!!). For heavens sake, we all know how good our own lexicon power is. No matter how bad you might think your Kannada vocabulary is, just remember that any day you’re better than shivraj kumar or Vijay mallya..!! It’s totally ok to stop being “cool” for some time and chat in Kannada (at least if you know the other person knows Kannada). Rationalize the local words and make them popular. Kannada jargons are cooler, easy to spell and you can relate to it in a better way. Just take a look. Isn't it fun using the kannada slang?

• Dude, Buddy, Pal --- Guru, Maga, Sisya
• Whats up man.. --- Yen kithakta idyo bewarsi
• Bro where are you ---  Anna, yel aaykond tinta idya
• Thats so cool --- Avn ajji, Chindi
• Are you kidding me..?? ---  Namge Halwa na..??
• Get lost --- Right helu
• Thats my girlfriend --- Adu nan Dove guru
• He’s a big liar --- Doddu Olu nan maga

 

Just imagine how many times we all use the word “fuck” in a day. If Kannada Sahitya Parishat can come up with a funky, equally cool Kannada equivalent of the holy F word, then majority of the problem will be solved.
 
Shift all the call centers to UP/Bihar: Yes..!!! In Bangalore, It’s a loser’s last resort. It’s a pre conceived notion that anywhere in the world, if you don’t get a solution to your problem thru phone, then you’re talking to a Bangalorean. Shift all call centers to UP/Bihar and let the world know that things can be worse.

 

Capital punishment for Triple rides: Very effective one indeed. Just imagine… If there is capital punishment for triple (Quardra, Penta, Hexa….) rides, then all our “Kya Ji jis” and “Kya ba ines” might fear of not being able to travel in one bike and stop having 27-30 kids per wife (I’ve heard the number has come down to 17-20). In turn we’ll get to hear less of “Kannada Killers”. Insha allah, Nimduke artha agta idare illa….? (I wish I could imitate here)

 

Leadership changes: Needless to say, Yeddi, his cheddis and Reddys are hopeless. Hence declare Mayawati as the CM of Karnataka. JD(S) and BSP will come up with a combo plan and sell Bangalore to UP. Instead of a slow process, at one shot Bangalore will become North India and Kannadigas, persuaded minorities. Problem solved.

 

The Tongue twister method: I’d been to enquire about a bike to a showroom and the mallu salesperson explained the features to me like this. Soober Ingine, good mile age, Sero to sevendy fi in toenty fi segends. That’s when it flashed to me; it’s fair enough to mandate all the mallus to have a special round of job interview called the “Tongue twister round” to get a job in Bangalore. If a mallu can twist his/her tongue more than 30 degrees, it’s understood that he can potentially kill any language (ingluding SEE & SEE blus blus).

 

I really can’t ask you to watch Kannada movies; you would’ve already seen it at least once in Telugu and once in Tamil. But understand that Kannada ism not confined to just Rajkumar, Vishnuvardhan or Upendra. The real Kannada ism lies in “Kuvempu”, it’s in “Bendre”, “DVG” and many others who’ve made kannada proud. Know who they are. At least, you can avoid making constipation faces when you come across their names.

 

We can see a Rawalpindi in RT Nagar and a Salem in Srirampura. Have you seen one such Kannada colony in Chennai or Hyderabad? Forget Kannada colonies, just say Kannada in these cities, you’ll get responses as Yennada and Yekkada. It’s time we learn from them.

 

But ultimately, it’s all in our hands to decide which one’s good for us. “The Yennada”, “The Yekkada” or “The Kannada”

 

A tribute to Bangalore Traffic

Here is the list of some of the big companies in Bangalore and their logos and taglines modified in line with the traffic jam that’s so frequent in Bangalore.

And the best one...(The one that remains unchanged) is

(All images/pictures in this post are my own creation and intended only for entertainment purposes and absolutely nothing else. Any resemblances to any copyrighted objects/entities are truly co incidental and unintentional J J )

Love @ First Sight… The mother of all BULLSHITS

I was in a bus and overheard two college friends talking about how it was love at first sight for one of the guys. The kind of justifications he gave, how god has sent her to his class and what he feels for her, Holy crap. I wanted to slap him hard right there and say “Bro, go.. Go get a life”. Unknowingly, he had a typical masala bollywood script in his story. Had Adi chopra listened to his story, one more Uday Chopra starrer would’ve been in the making.

Holy shit. What on earth makes people decide it is love @ first sight for them..?? I ask myself this question and could do nothing but laugh my ass out. The worst part is people give dumbest possible shit reasons like ‘Love is blind’, ‘kuch hota hai’ and all that. Damn, its you who is blind, not love. I really pity Karan Johar. khud ko kuch kuch nahi hua. And people still remember his movies and worse, get inspired by them. What an irony. Getting back to love @ first sight, by any chance, gods forbid, if love at first sight ever happens to you, just remember the following.

• It’s not Love at first sight, when you watch DDLJ for the 73rd time and see a hot chick coming your way. Watch out. She might be your kaam wali bai… :)
• It’s not Love at first sight when you look at a super hot chick and your testicles tingle. That’s coz you’re wearing a tight jeans.
• In India, Shashi Tharoor and Sunanda Pushkar are the only living examples of love at first sight. So you stand no chance.
• If you haven’t talked about love at first sight even after boozing like crazy with your buddies, then you are immune to it
• Its not love at first sight when you meet your cousins’ friend @ a marriage function. You’ve already seen her 100 times. Its just that she looks sooooo different in marriages.
• Stop being a loser. Don’t worry if Deepti says No. There’s always Aditi, Swati and Keerti. Just move on.

Well, here are some of the tips to keep away from the clutches of “Love at first sight”

• Make the phrase “Love at first sight” a Figure of speech so that youth will ignore thinking it is some grammar stuff.
• Give the ownership of this phrase to Shah Rukh Khan so that people don’t take it seriously. (Heyyyyy.. Haaaa.. Ummm.. Senorita..!!!!)
• Love at first sight and love at first sms are one and the same. Don’t waste your time.
• Understand the “Bro Code” by Barney Stinson (Believe me, It's of great help)
• And most importantly, “ If you’re looking for Beauty, don’t look for brains. If you want brains, stop checking out beautiful gals. If there’s a gal with beauty and brains, You gotta watch out. She’s extremely dangerous. I call this the BEAUTY-BRAINS theory.

 

Open letter to a Bangalore Auto Driver

 No doubt, Bangalore has grown beyond imagination. It got the global recognition in such short span of time, which has envied the neighboring cities. We have soooo much to boast about. But really, what are the things that have put Bangalore on the world? After scratching my head for a long time, I could zero in on three things.


1. Information Technology, for obvious reasons.
2. Reddy Brothers, for more obvious reasons.3. Bangalore Auto Drivers

Everyone talks about IT, we read so much of Yeddi v/s Reddy everyday, but no media has ever tried to bring namma auto drivers to limelight. Why is this injustice..?? Well, my love for Bangalore and, of course with a couple of “breathtaking” experiences, I dedicate this chunk of my blog to Bangalore Auto Drivers a.k.a BAD.

My dear BAD, thank you for all the services. I really appreciate your choice to serve the public. Well, you bastards don’t have any other option. Do you..?? Who on earth would give you a job..?? We really can’t expect you asshole to get into a job and “earn” some bucks. I totally stand by your choice. But really, why do you suck so much..??? Do you think you’re doing some fuckin charity work for public?
 A BIG thank you for your worthless existence. Without you, we wouldn’t have had the trouble of talking to a countryside hooligan on a Monday morning, whose mouth stink more than an open drainage. What a way to start our week…!!! Who the hell wants to listen to your senseless speech? Shut the fuck up and drive.I totally agree about that posture with which you drive. Your balls might itch so much coz your underwear’s never been washed since day1. Please bring this to Mr. Yeddi’s notice. He’ll come up with a subsidized scheme with a funky name like “Chalakara Cheddi” to distribute underpants to all you guys and we can see the statistics in all hoardings of Bangalore.

 Who the fuck approves your driving licenses..?? Screw all the Transport officials who think you can drive. Do they have the faintest idea of how you drive..?? Instead of testing your driving skills, had they asked you to show right and left, you dumb fucking morons would never get your licenses in lifetime.

 And talking about your demand, why can’t you just accept what’s on the meter? Excluding Mr. R. Ashok, every fellow bangalorean knows that your meter jumps more than Anju Bobby George could in the recent Olympics. We are so aware of the fact that you spend all your earnings on those horny sluts you pick up every night and run out of change. So you beg for more every time. Even school kids are taking your names. They are coming up new Oxymoron like “Honest auto driver” and “Un tampered Auto Meter”.

Even in big cities like London, Paris NYC, taxi drivers take us where we tell them. What the holy fuck is your problem? Do YOU decide where we want to go..?? WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Just like we didn’t give a damn when Prasad Bidappa said I’m a fashion guru. And what you do you think of your shit wrapped, stinking vehicle. A Hummer..?? Huh, come on… If a passenger, out of pure frustration rams his hand on your auto, it will diminish into a mere 50 kilo of holy (s)crap, which even the cheapest scrapwala in shivajinagar wouldn’t accept for 20 bucks.
 Bangalore is now the Asthma capital of India. All thanks to you dumb witted mother fucker, for two wheelers have no other go but to follow you with a BLACK SMOKE, darker than your private parts, is choking our lungs. Special thanks to our traffic police who seem to have removed the emission norms for autos, for a mere 100 bucks. I’m really sick of the transport authority who’s not paying attention to all these “dignified deeds” of yours. And the media is really busy covering issues of national importance like “How a cat climbs to the attic”, “Man with 38 wives” (He must be an auto driver..!!!) and of course “Heegoo Unte”

 Finally, I’m so sorry for writing only your introduction. I feel sad for not being able to cover all your tales. I really want to write a book on you, but no freaking publisher on this earth is gonna gimme a chance, coz every bangalorean knows everything about you. Again Mr. Yeddyurappa & co is an exception. But I promise you one thing. Whenever I see you in trouble, on humanity grounds, I will stop by, dance with annamma steps, whistle as loudly as I can and say these 3 consoling words to you. “Saayi.. Boli Magane…”

And please switch off that fucking, local FM stereo. It sounds like Mallikarjun Kharge is whispering in my ears..!!

 P.S: This doesn’t apply to those 2 “GOOD” auto drivers I’ve seen in past 25 years.