A certain south Indian wedding preparation

In India, being South Indian is not as easy as “Being Human”. I don’t even have to talk about opulence associated with Indian marriages. There may be more than 100 major ishtyles and dialects of Indian wedding. Some are very prolific and some are very straight and simple. Things have changed; the place; the food, the way we invite family and friends (thanks to technology) and so on! Or does it just look so? I’m still confused. I guess there are no set answers for this. But what has not changed for sure is the epitome of “arranged” marriage in South India.

Prologue: After my 10 uncles and 27 aunts (your mausi ki saas ke devar ki biwi is also a potential match maker in south India) pressurized me in every goddamn meet to send a “good looking” (good looking south Indians do exist in real and we are in plenty) picture of mine to them, I had to succumb! Next, I had to change my mindset from M for MBA to M for Marriage. The transition from CAT (Common Admission Test) to scapegoat is really hard to digest. Thanks to mom and dad’s “why it’s not a bad idea to marry @ 27” brainwashing sessions. And then, there’s peer pressure too. “Your best friend Sandeep ki shaadi ho gayi. Smita ki bhi. And my colleague’s son Ajay is married with a kid. He’s still 25”.

Somehow my profile got uploaded in our community matrimony. Hold on! I too was assuming that it’s going to be some online matrimony site. My mom was like ‘do you think we are so deviated from the Brahmin ethos. You may be a software engineer; but I won’t allow any software to choose a bahu for my home’.

I won’t get into the details of the visiting the matrimony office and taking notes of the prospective bahus and my interview with them and their family. It’s too hilarious to be discussed here. Fortunately, not after too many interviews, I met this pretty gal, liked her, said YES, got engaged to her and I thought everything is over! Alas! I was wrong. The real challenges of a South Indian wedding surface only with the onset of marriage preparation.

The selected ones are folded and stacked!

Saree: Trust me, you’ve no idea what kind of opulence is associated with it. Unlike Christian and north Indian weddings, where the haute couture is diversified from Salwars to Ghagras and from Gowns to skirts, in a south Indian wedding, it’s just Saree.. Silk Saree. The bride, her mom, your mom, all your aunts, all her aunts, your granny, her granny, their daughters, sisters and even kaamwali bais (not kidding) will shoot your mouth off with the money spent on the sarees. Their exuberance will puzzle you to an extent where you’ll start believing that dress code in Ekta Kapoor’s serials is actually real. If at all there is one Indian brand can counter the Versaces and Armanis, it is ungal Kancheepuram Silk saree.

Silk sarees piled up in a heap!

Considering that the sex ratio in south India is a good 997/1000, and with women population of 100 million, even if 50 million arranged marriages happen: 25 million Rs INR is spent on just silk sarees in South India every year! Can you imagine how rich we are? If you’re a south Indian, fall in love with your north Indian colleague or love thy neighbor and elope. In an arranged marriage, silk saree is a hundred thousand rupee affair!

Gyan: Stereotyping reach new heights with you getting married. Everyone will have something to say about you getting married (Or I just feel so). The “senior citizen gyan yojna” of your family will be of no use, although some uncles and aunts may just keep quiet or give realistic insight which you may feel will help. Some will ask you questions which will confuse you whether to laugh or cry.

                By family members:

•      You’ve become so lean. Tension mat lo beta! (Why are YOU getting tensed about MY weight, aunty)
•      I feel you’re still a school going kid. Time flies no (Signs of Alzheimer’s, uncle)
•      It’s on Feb 20^th? Should’ve been Feb 14^th (Waah uncle.. aap to dude nikle)

By friends:

• Mujhe pata tha tumhara jaldi fix ho jayega. South Indian hokar bhi tum fair complexion ke ho (No comments)
• You’re gonna make us eat on banana leaf? (You can eat on the floor also, bro)
• Marriage is for three days…?? What will you do? (First two days batting and I’ll declare for third day)
• Arranged Marriage? **wry smile**.. Don’t lie! (Well, I really don’t have Erich Segal Love Story type of incidents in my life)
• If you invite 500 people, 2500 people will ask you “where are you going for honeymoon”

Listening to all of such nonsense shit and keeping your mouth shut is a real challenge.

A South Indian Bride (from Kerala)

Gold: Everybody says old is gold. But paradoxically, when it comes to actual gold, nobody is satisfied with old gold ornaments. The Bride and Groom’s mother would have stacked gold in every possible occasion for future marriages; we still have to buy new gold. This is crazy! I don’t understand. My mom says it’s a question of pride. My uncle lambasts Raghuram Rajan and Subbarao for not being able to control inflation, but continues to stack gold for daughter’s marriage. This gold affiliation will rid you of all the savings that you’ve done so far. So just don’t think too much. You can’t do anything. I’m only relieved with the fact that unlike some Keralites (no offense), we still talk about gold in terms of grams and not kilograms!! **sigh**

Epilogue:

The big day is just around the corner. Now I’ve clearly understood the essence of long lasting Indian marriages ;). I’m thrilled and tensed both at the same time. Thrilled because of one thousand obvious reasons and tensed because… Boss, I’m a south Indian!

P.S: I just completed writing this piece and someone dedicated the song  “Yeh Galiya yeh chaubara.. yahaa aana na dobaara…” on fm radio

Kadlekai Parishe - Mar-di Gras of Bangalore

The city of Bangalore occupies a special place in the pride of India, not just on account of its external beauty and the IT revenue it is generating. We, the true blue Bangaloreans, have always loved the city because of its finer qualities seen through its countless carnivals, fiestas and cultural extravaganzas. And Kadlekai Parishe  is just one among them.

Basava (Nandi)

 Kadlekai Parishe, In English, translates to Groundnut festival or Peanut festival. Bangalore’s bountiful nature and an ideal climate have helped its people grow a broad spectrum of intercontinental plant wealth. Back in 1600s and 1700s, the surroundings of Bangalore cultivated a lot of peanuts. One of the legends says that cows often entered the groundnut growing fields and damaged the plant. And all the apprehensive farmers, pledged to offer their first harvest of peanuts to Nandi idol, also called as Basava.  This is how kadlekai parishe was started. Later the area surrounding this basava idol came to be known as Basavanagudi (translated as Bull temple).

Groundnut sellers from all over 

Thus, kadlekai parishe became an annual event (celebrated on the last Monday of Kartika Maasa, which is considered auspicious according to Hindu almanac) in Bangalore’s calendar. As time passed by, Basavanagudi itself has demonstrated a marvelous capacity for accepting, accommodating and sheltering the vast and varied groundnut sellers from all around the city (and parts of Tamil Nadu too).

Having spent the early days of my childhood in the vicinity of Basavanagudi (We stayed in Gavipuram Guttahalli for sometime before moving to north Bangalore)  I too have fond memories of it. It reminded me of my school days. During kadlekai parishe, after school, a bunch of  friends, Me, Joshi, Bhargav, Murali and many others  used to run to bull temple just to pick groundnuts and walk home; Chips made of tapioca were a new trend those days and I just loved eating it. Those manually driven giant wheel and merry go round rides were so ecstatic!

Heap of peanuts for sale

On this festival, Basavanagudi and the surrounding area is transformed so radically that if you take a real-estate tycoon to Bull temple area and tell him this is a prime location in Bangalore, he would not believe you AT ALL!  This is THE reason why I love kadlekai parishe. For a day, the otherwise bustling Bull temple road is transformed totally to a village, full of colors and vibrancy; A village that provides seclusion to the young generation who’ve not witnessed a carnival before; and to the old, who finds reminiscence of the old Bangalore.

In the necklace of Bangalore’s cultural heritage, kadlekai parishe is just one of the pendants. There are so many other pendants and I hope to write about them in coming days. Somewhere between taking pride in visiting all the malls and boasting about being cosmopolitan, we are deviating away for our own ethos. Take your kids to these events and give them a feel of cultural sophistication. The magnificence of a groundnut festival is something that shopping malls can never offer you. Kadlekai Parishe is Bangalore’s Mar-di Gras

Gandhi v/s Indian youth – Why we hate the Mahatma

You might have come across so many in your friend’s circle (May be you are one among those) who always talk ill on Mahatma Gandhi and express their displeasure that he is solemnly responsible for all the ignominy that is happening in India. So much so that today’s youth don’t even think twice before sharing some stupid fabricated posts on facebook that Gandhi was a rapist and other such nonsense. This is not an attempt to correct your views. I’m not taking that big risk. This is my prompt or rather equivocal attempt to at least make you realize that you’re wrong at the very fundamental level of your irrational thinking.

Gandhi and partition:

Jinnah and Mountbatten

The major reason why today’s youth have developed a voluntary hatred for the mahatma is because of the partition. If you think, partition happened only because of Gandhi, you’re off beam. Gandhi never endorsed partition. Please be informed that he died because of Hindu Muslim disharmony. Muhammad Ali Jinnah was the real partition endorser and Lord(?) Mountbatten backed it. Power greed Jinnah along with the Muslim League induced the fear of Hindu domination in Muslims’ mind and came up with a two nation theory. Lord Mountbatten backed it and Indian political leaders accepted the plan.

Gandhi in fact was against it. Very much against it! He was not solely responsible for partition.

Gandhi could have saved Bhagat Singh:

Tribune headlines after Bhagat Singh was executed

Yet another myth why our youth hate Gandhi is inspired by the bollywood biopic's take that Gandhi did not make an attempt to save Bhagat Singh, Sukh Dev and Raj guru. But think it over. Which biopic in bollywood has completely justified the actuality without mutating the truth? They've featured Bhagat Singh in a duet, Milkha Singh romance Australian coach’s daughter.

The movie which show that Gandhi-Irwin pact was blindly signed by Gandhi is total bullshit. It is true that there were differences in Bhagat and Gandhi’s principles. But Gandhi said you can fight oppression without the gun, you can mobilize people without violence. He insisted rebels like Subhash Chandra Bose and Bhagat Singh to take peace path and not piece path.

Gandhi and Subhash Chandra Bose in 1938 congress meeting

Gandhi did whatever he possibly could to save the trio. Lord Irwin, who carried the final authority regarding Christian sentiments of British officials for the Murder of Saunders.

the executions, promised that he would consider Gandhi’s submission. Irwin at one time almost submitted to Gandhi's negotiation. But all the British officers of Punjab threatened to resign and Irwin had to succumb to the prospect of a judicial error and the appeal of the

Unfortunately, Raj Kumar Santoshi forgot to include this part in his screenplay

Gandhi favored Nehru and not Patel

Gandhi and Sardar Patel

It’s not that Gandhi was not aware of this dishonesty done to Sardar Patel by favoring Nehru. But Gandhi for obvious reasons never anticipated that supporting Nehru would prove this costly for India.  He had fully realized that what he was trying to bring about was wrong and totally unfair. In fact, he tried to make Nehru understand that Congress was in favor of Patel.. He conveyed to Nehru that no Congress member has nominated his name excluding a few members. But Nehru was impertinent and made it clear that he will not play subordinate to anybody.

A thwarted Gandhi succumbed to Nehru's pig-

Gandhi, Nehru and Sardar Patel together

headedness and asked Sardar Patel to take back seat. Sardar Patel had great respect for Gandhi and he took out his submission without saying a word. Perhaps, Gandhi wanted both Nehru and Patel to provide leadership to the country. He used his veto power in favor of Nehru because he feared Nehru could cause problems in the way of India’s independence if he was not given the chance to become Prime Minister. Gandhi feared that this would even delay India’s independence and that would cost dear to the nation.

Gandhi on social networking

As I said earlier, almost everyone who post ill on Gandhi on social networks don’t even know Gandhi’s full name. People and groups who share posts that Gandhi was gay, Gandhi had sex with his women ashram inmates and other such rubbish don’t even know a bit about India’s freedom struggle. They don’t keep an independent view of political, spiritual and cultural aspects of life. Most of us ignore such posts, but stupidity is also infectious. You can’t stop more youth from believing that whatever is on the internet is true.

I’m not at loggerheads that what Gandhi did was right or wrong. But we all know that it was in the best interest of the nation. We all know that he was never against the betterment of India and Indians. Don’t we? Most of us Indians will never respect him, that’s fine. But what is really depressing is that we are carelessly spreading rumors about a great man of our own nation who is respected for his deeds, for his preaching and his leadership skills (300 million people listening to one voice is something that we can’t even imagine in today’s world) everywhere in the world.

If not for his deeds, at least we should respect him for his strength of mind, for his integrity, and above all for his purest love for a force called “India”

Everything you want to know about kannada movie LUCIA

When I wore a Lucia T-shirt and walked down the aisles of Mantri mall, I was pretty impressed to see that lot of people giving a sneak peak at my tees as if they know about Lucia. Their gestures and smiles told me that you’ve done a pretty good job by supporting project Lucia. However, when I wore the same tees to my workplace, I was asked by many of my colleagues, both Kannadigas and non kannadigas What’s LUCIA, What does it mean? And so many other questions. And I thought; why not post it on my blog? Read on!

LUCIA poster

LUCIA needs no introduction, but if you don’t know, it’s the first public funded (YES!) movie, a first of its kind experiment in the history in the Indian Cinema. Apparently, there are a lot of regional directors who make good cinema, but they seldom push it to the audience. So exceptional film makers like Girish kasaravalli don’t come to limelight until a national award is conferred on them. By the time we get to know about it, we’d have missed watching it. Thus a good movie misses reaching the audience. Pawan, the brain behind Project Lucia, very well knew about this atrocity. He knew that a good director should also be good at marketing, so that it reaches the right set of audience.

Why he went public: Even after 6 months of completing the script for Lucia, he couldn’t find a producer who was interested to listen to the gist of what Lucia is. They made fun of him. They mocked his idea and approach. Many producers told him that they’d give a chance to him to direct for a remake script.  Pawan was hell bent. LUCIA or NOTHING. His gut feeling was that Lucia can become a cult film for kannada industry. That’s when he decided to come to “US”, the real critics of the movie. For detailed discussion in his own words Click here

Pawan Kumar - brain behind LUCIA

How he went about it: He got offers to make it in other languages. But Pawan was very determined. It’s LUCIA in Kannada or nothing. But Lucia was only in script. There was a problem. The mother of all problems. Who will fund it? The project had to be shelved. But some of his admirers, supporters and followers gave him the idea of making Lucia with public funds.Yes. Collecting funds from the audience, by making “them” the producers of the movie. Making a movie with Public funds..??? Oh yeah..?? Really..?? 

But the option did not seem impossible. He started with no hopes at all. But he kept himself a 100 day deadline to reach the 50 lakh target. After working out all the pros and cons he decided to take the suggestions of the audience and opt for Crowd funding model for making the Film Lucia. That’s when the revolution started. Within a few days of announcing how he would go about it, he started getting mails that people were ready to invest in his venture. Within 12 hours more than a lakh had arrived in his account, all from people he doesn’t even know. How awesome is that. How he raised funds in detail – Click here

Another LUCIA movie poster

The making: Now, there were enough mails in his inbox to boost his confidence that this could be a reality. Now all he wanted was actors and technicians with flair; A passion, a fervor to deliver good things. To reach out to the right talent, he launched a 72 hour challenge, which was very simple. He asked the role seekers to make 4-5 min long Promo video about Project Lucia. They were free to be as creative as they want to be, use any medium to shoot, it could be live action or animation, but please use copyright free music and visuals only. And you have 72 hours to make this promo.

Ninasam Sathish offered to join. Auditions for actors also happened. Siddhartha Nuni took the director of photography on his shoulders, Poorna Chandra Tejaswi, a budding musician decided to create lovely music. Shashidhar Adapa offered to create sets which are as creative as himself and with so many others joining and taking the ownership, LUCIA team finally created the magic.

Now, next and the later:

Now: LUCIA has won the YCE (Young Creative Entrepreneur) award by the British Council. Lucia was selected for the London Indian film festival, won the award in the Audience choice category for the best film. All the international dailies including The Guardian and all Indian dailies have appreciated Project-Lucia for its accomplishments. 

Next: Theatre rent, television promotions, ads and other forms of marketing for the film needs an additional budget of 1.8 crores approx. So Project LUCIA has come up with a plan where you the audience can be the distributor. Yes! You can pre order it to watch online. Pre-order is an opportunity for you to play the role of a DISTRIBUTOR at a very low price/low risk. 

Later: With a Pre-order, not only are you getting a copy of the film, but you also get an opportunity to make money of the film. And we want you to do that. The more the money you make, that many more audience we get to watch our film. And that is what we want – more audience. For more details on “YOU” as a distributor click here

 There is already a buzz in the sandalwood that LUCIA has come very good and it’ll thump the box office. People are humming “Tinbeda kammi” merrily and gleefully. People who’ve watched it at the London Indian Film festival have given the audience back in India, a green signal. Momtaz of asiana tv says

“Lucia is a real ‘milestone’ in South Indian cinema, and a film everyone should watch”.

Click here for complete review

Another audience Roopa Upadhya says

“Pawan Kumar lives up to his words, he has made a film that is young, intelligent, complex but still lot of fun”

Click here for complete review

For a man with Penny in his pocket and dreams worth million, this is much more than just achievement. His efforts are weirdly impressive. They say “Be the change you want to see in the world” and Project LUCIA and Pawan Kumar is an archetype that proves it. He deserves a standing ovation for this venture. I wish him all the very very best.

Watch LUCIA not to support him, but to appreciate what he is able to create out of nothing; to appreciate his endurance in driving this transformation; his taste for original scripts and his zeal for movies.   And of course for good movie watching experience, which has become a rarity in Kannada these days.

The IVR (irritating voice response) blues

Dear Mr. whoever the fuck  you are, my hearty congratulations on launching one common toll free customer care number across India for your phone banking services. A great move, perhaps. Need of the hour, I must say. However, this is to bring to your kind notice about a paradox, a mockery of your customer’s patience in your IVR.  

Let me tell you that, I wouldn’t have bothered to write this if your IVR was toll free. Do you think we have lot of money and time that’s why we keep calling you? To hell with you. I had some enquiry to be made and I called your phone banking to get things clarified. But, when I ended the call, I went into a state of trance wondering, do I really know enough English to understand your IVR menus. The call lasted for more than 30 min, but I couldn’t find a way to talk to a phone banker. It took me more than 30 min (and of course my mobile bill) to find out that there is NO such option. Like Shah Rukh Khan and Karan Johar tricks the audience, I was a victim of your cheap irritating voice response strategies.

Which dumbass gave the IVR idea? Even H D Devegowda couldn’t have thought about it. I mean it. Press 1 for English..  Press 2 for Kannada………… Press 52 for Konkani... Press 53 for Bhojpuri….  Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah…  Why can’t you keep it simple..??? I pressed 1. (Thank heavens, it didn’t verify my English skills and ask me to spell “English”.). Again, Press 1 for account details. Press 2 for some other bullshit…  Press 23 for your checkbook’s 21^st leaf number… OH MY GOD. OH MY DEAR GOD.. When I pressed 1. It said my 14 digit account number at 0.0000001 characters per sec, murmured my account balance which even Peter Parker with spider senses couldn’t hear and got disconnected by itself. 

Where the hell is an option in your IVR to talk to phone banker?  After wasting 30 min of time and with my mobile bill sky rocketing, I still couldn’t find it. I reached the card block dept (That’s the only easily, or rather reachable dept) and a guy told me “Yes saar, Tell saar.. Saar, I’ll place you on hold saar. And I get to listen to a sucker punch instrumental which sounds like a fucking Pakistani singing a sufi song when his testicles have been clutched. You’ll fall asleep. After ages, the associate gets back and says “saaar”, that’s when you regain your senses out of panic.  Saar, select the ‘Press 2 for check book details’ option saar” and that will connect to phone banker saar. OK saar..?? TANK you saar. I wondered if Rameez Raja joined call center…!!!

Holy crap. How the hell did your analysts think that anyone would select “Checkbook details” to talk to phone banker? Even our CID Pradhyuman wouldn’t have cracked this one. I really want to know to which god damn Service Company is offering you this great service. Are you not paying them..?? Or is your IVR service a lifetime free complimentary gift from some startup enterprise for throwing them a couple of corporate accounts?

Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? You call yourself best bank in private sector, won awards… Screw you..!!! Do you even know what customer service is? To hell with those juries which give you these awards. They should be banned from functioning, for a lifetime. 

Please understand that OUR PHONE + YOUR BANK does not sum up to customer service. Forget good customer service, it’s not your cup of tea. At least, let your customers know how & in what innovative way you’ve cheated them. Alas, they deserve it. Don’t they? Please do something before your IVR finds a place in daily cartoons, SMS jokes and emails. Wake up..!!!

Image courtesy: google images