Of auto correction, Cyber-slang and technology chauvinism

My recent whatsapp conversation with a college friend of mine did not go very well. I was totally baffled and was fumbling to even understand what she was talking. The jargon and the chat acronyms she used were so much that for every reply of her I had to Google to find out what it actually meant. To save myself from embarrassment, here is an edited version of the conversation:

She: Tejjjjjj! Lngtym. Hw ya doin?

Me: Heyyy Rosh! I am good! How are you? Real long time. Last time we met was in 2008 I guess

She: IKR!

Me: ** Long pause** What are you up to?

She: M gd. Settled in US for now. But its AFU life here. Hey, DYK wr Sandy s?

Me: **Long pause** He is in Singapore

She: DAFUQ? I was der for like 8Y man! DUR our coll days?

Me: **Long pause** Yeah. Good old days J

She: Hey Y u tkn so lng to rply?

Me: Frankly, I am trying to catch up with your net lingo. Google’s not helping either: P

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She: Roflmao! K. GTG. Buhbyeee. XOXOZZZ

Throughout the conversation, I had this weird feeling that she is bi-lingual, speaking English and in another language called Cyber slang, unknown to me for which I was replying only in English. It felt weird and awkward. At the end of it, I was not sure if I was really happy we spoke after a long time. I kept thinking about it for a very long time. It was then I realized that I too am a victim of this text lingo to a certain extent. Oblivious to my own conscience, I found that I end up writing ‘thru’ for ‘through’; ‘n’ for ‘and’, ‘tomo’ for ‘tomorrow’ and so on.

Ideally, with all the digital communication platforms and the world of internet at our fingertips, our vocabularies should have been expanding, isn’t it? But it looks like it is not the case. Considering the exposure which my dad and grandpa had to literature and books, I definitely have an edge over them. But I can assertively say that my grandpa and my dad have better vocabularies than that of mine. I just paid a little more attention to what they did differently than us. I had my answers within days.

Spellcheckers:

At workplace, very often, I am required to review the requirement specification documents as part of my job. For the records, requirement specification is a document which lists the detailed description of how a software feature is expected to work. My most preferred way of checking for grammar and spelling correctness is MS word spell checker. Is it that I cannot do it without it? Most certainly not. But this gives me a quick overview of what needs correction and lists it out for me, boom! my job is done within a short time. On the contrary, my dad, even to this day, proof reads an entire article using his brains and eyes only. No, he does not depend on spell check. His brain is processing it for him since 50 years; which is to say that his vocabulary is getting stronger and sharper every day. It does not surprise me that my dad is called ‘walking dictionary’ in his office.Whereas for me; since the computer is doing it, the computer is getting smarter. Oh, the machine learning. In other words, the machine is getting smarter everyday by making us dumb, you dumber.

Auto correction

Whatsapp has become the de-facto standard for all sorts of communication. Text, Images, audio, documents and whatsoever format that it supports, the texting which is widely used, comes with a serious issue tagged with it called Auto correction. When I have interacted with acquaintances, there were disastrous moments of me trying to say something but ended up saying something else. I strongly have a feeling that they think I am some third grade dropout who cannot even form basic sentences. Few disasters due to auto correction were beyond repair; like the ones below:

• ·         Did you see Urine? Don’t miss.. Sorry Urine.. I mean URI.. Goddammit!
• ·         Hi Practice… What??? Sorry. I meant Prachi.. Ugh!
• ·         May be Dick by Hermaphrodite Melvin (While discussing about Moby-dick by Herman Melville)
• ·         Heyy.. Finally I found my GSPOT.. errrr.. GPS (She had fainted by then I guess)
• ·         I am yet to finish writing. I am a prostitute (I wanted to say Procrastinator.. Argghhhhh)
• ·         I once told my wife “I really want to meet you. But you are so damn fat” (She called me even before I said FAR not fat)

The most famous auto correction problem on iPhone

My grandpa never had all these problems because from Bhadravati to Bangalore, he used to send telegrams, wrote wonderful letters and he himself typed his messages on postcards using a typewriter. He even sent us handmade greeting cards on various occasions. On the other hand, The Roget’s Thesaurus 1941 edition and the Rev. F. Kittel’s 1894 edition of Kannada-English dictionary copies at home are almost in worn-out state with torn illustrations and title page re-joined with an adhesive tape. I can even see a few printing mistakes corrected with a pen. They are perhaps telling a lexicon tale that we are not willing to believe. 

A very old Kittel's Kannada to English dictionary

 

With Auto correction, auto-complete and other such tools, the flexibility in the language usage is lost by a huge magnitude. It is true that words don’t get their meanings from dictionaries. They get their meanings from how they are contextually used by writers and speakers. The more speakers and writers conform to suggestions by machines, the less creative the language becomes. Do you remember elders in your family asking you to read “The Hindu” and “classic literature” to enhance your English vocab? Now you know why.

The postcard typed by my grandfather when my father was born - Year 1946

Genetics and Language

Have you ever noticed this about yourself or someone around you? If you did your schooling in Kannada Medium, there is high possibility that, even to this day, you’ll do all the basic math (addition, subtraction and multiplication) in Kannada, way faster than English. Now there are demonstrated research works that claim our linguistic capabilities are directly linked to our genetic predisposition. So inclination towards technology for everything is more serious condition than it actually is.

Over dependence on technology has already done enough damage to our daily lives. Call me old school, but I really don’t like technology invading our private lives so much that it obliterates our ability to learn and master a language. There is a dire need to limit our dependency and put a stop to chauvinism that we are showing towards Auto correction, auto complete and cyber slang. Let our linguistic capability remain intact and do not obtuse us.

Pretentious traffic rules of namma Bengaluru

What defines a city? For some it is a center of a wide area in terms of its length and breadth; and for few others, it is the economy. There are cities defined by their geographies, archaeology, the kind of trade they do and even for its cosmopolitan culture. Do you know there is a city in New Zealand which is demarcated by the Speed of the wind?  There are cities that are defined by the amount of innovation that it has advocated to the world and even by their high-speed expressways. And then, there is our City, which is defined by the magnitude of traffic jams and purest form of assholes giving us nail biting experiences on a day to day basis while we commute. Oh yeah! We are Bangaloreans

Honk

While in your world you honk only to call attention to an accident that may happen, in Bangalore, honking is a way of life. We honk to say Hi, to say Bye. We honk to shift lanes, to jump signals, to notify them that you’re about to break rule, to bully riders, to play tunes of your favorite songs and sometimes even to get attention of the driver who has fallen asleep at the traffic jam. And most importantly, we honk to remind people that the signal has turned green and because our roads are full of high intellectuals who neither understand why the signal turned green nor have patience to wait for a couple of seconds, we honk. Expectations are very high here. As soon as the signal turns green, we expect everyone to take off like supersonic jets within Nano seconds. We are very forward that way.

So we, the sovereign socialist democratic republicans of Bangalore have accepted the pretentious directive that honking for anything is totally conventional and we live with it. God save us!

Bangalore roads - there is neither lane nor discipline

Strategy vs Skills

If you think you know how to drive, that is a myth dude! You’re totally off beam. Just forget all your driving skills. It will anyway be rendered useless. Because what you need is a strategy; a foresight showing a prudent awareness of future possibilities. If a driver/rider is approaching you, you should be able to judge all the odds within no time (except the right one which he never does) and strategize your next move. Remember the CEAT’s “India ke sadkon pe aapko alag alag mahapurush milenge” ad? Every  pedestrian on Bangalore road is a potential “mahapurush” with mobile in hand. Unless you’re a humanoid robot with zettabytes of processing speed, your brain just cannot handle this amount of complexity. That way, Bangalore roads are future ready for robots!

So, we forget all our driving skills and just master the art of prognostication…. To save our lives! 

Pedestrians of Bangalore

Rules

That old “we don’t drive on the left of the road. We drive on what is left on the road” joke is feeble now. Gone are those days where roads were used to dry red chilies, breeding cows and throwing avarekai peel-off on road for a tasty hidkid bele Saaru. Now, six lanes, widened roads, underpass, Metro trains, fly-overs and more importantly BDA’s incredible invention of the century, Magic Box underpass in almost every corner of Bengaluru is a significant example of India’s manifold improvements in the infrastructure front. The only thing which is still awaiting improvement is our motorists’ brain. May be, a holocaust on Bangalore roads is what we are waiting for. I mean it. Excluding a few occasions where we consider abrupt right turns are our birth right and turning left is the only option left, we are following lane discipline. And few surprises by entering the opposite lane is only to educate and prepare you for the unexpected. And overtaking from the left is always cool. No hard feelings there brotha!

On a serious note, haven’t we pretentiously accepted that it is OKAY for someone entering from the wrong lane or one way? What on earth is wrong with us! We make way for wrongdoers and then proceed. Nowhere in the world is driving in the wrong lane, an acceptable behavior. This happens only in Bangalore. Argggghhhhhhh!!!!! 

Magic Box or Tragic Box - By 10th standard engineers of BDA

Potholes and punishment

Bangalore is probably the only city on this planet which does surveys on number of potholes. NUMBER OF POTHOLES! Yes, you read that right. If you meet with an accident due to potholes, Bangalore city traffic police will book a case against you for negligent driving. I am not kidding! (Read it here). Irony committed suicide. But according to our cops, if you cannot manage driving/riding on city’s roads, with potholes as big as manholes, you are an offender. We have raised the bar to astonishing standards yo! A minister even blocks ambulances on road for his convoy movement. And what happened to the patient inside? He got down from the ambulance and walked to the hospital. (Read it here). Whoa! Bravo. The patient’s pragmatism level=GOD. Imagine a minister in western countries blocking ambulance for his convoy movement. He would be sacked the very next day. On the other side, as usual, namma minister got away with it easily, only because WE have readily accepted that THIS IS OUR FATE! 

Two Ambulances stuck on both lanes in Bangalore

The darkness of not following rules, traffic exorcism by cops, the daily bloodshed that BMTC has inherited to its culture is just growing by the day and we continue to accept the mass traffic violations as a NORM! It makes me sad that instead of learning from mistakes, we just get disparaged and learn to live with it. I have lost hopes that government even cares what is happening to its citizens. If you are waiting for the Government or cops to create magic, it is practically impossible. From my own experience, often, there is always that one asshole who did not follow rule, behind a traffic pile-up. In other cases, hundreds of people are waiting for that one guy to break the rules so that they can follow without taking the ownership of guilt. The least we can do is stop being that asshole. And stop your fellow motorists from being that asshole. Rest all will fall in place. 

You change your thoughts and you change your destiny, if not you continue to get stuck in the same traffic pile up. Until we hesitate to act, until we start to follow rules, until we do not stand up against the mass traffic violations, the journey on namma Bengaluru roads is a saga of pain and frustration; nothing more. And it is here to stay…... Because we are pretentiously "tra-fucked".

Why United States of South India (USSI) is a failed ideology

In the last few months, many of my friends shared with me, an online article (and various narrations of it) which demands the creation of a separate country called United States of South India (USSI). The article has gained widespread popularity, thanks to its partial data driven facts and baseless perceptions which will convince any south Indian with limited or no knowledge about the macro-economics of a country or even the political agenda behind it, that this is a great idea. Further, I saw that there are twitter handles and Facebook pages with a large subscriber base supporting this sham. If you look closely, it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that this is a funded faction. But what really surprised me is the fact that people are falling for such fake ideologies so easily. I was alarmed when the article made it to my family WhatsApp group and to my surprise, my uncles who served in PSUs for 3 to 4 decades fell for this. Few even went a step ahead and started sharing their own perceptions and imaginations of a separate powerful (?) and peaceful South Indian country. I couldn’t believe that educated masses bought this idea at its face value. It didn’t surprise me that liberals are capitalizing on such things. These assumptions and imaginations, can have devastating consequences on the national Unity and has the potential to even destabilize our economy.

Here is my attempt to debunk this dangerous myth that “United States of South India” is a great idea. It is just a fabricated veracity by a certain political wing for personal gains and more importantly, in real, it will be a recipe for the greatest political disaster of the 21^st century. 

The “We-pay-more-tax” belief

The article spoke at length on how Karnataka, Maharashtra and TN pay more taxes to the center and how we are not getting the same back. This is purely misleading people. Firstly, people should understand how the federal structure works. In real, there is no single country on this planet where the fiscal burden is evenly distributed. And this theory is totally flawed because it is dependent on so many factors like geography, terrain, industries, human resources etc. The fiscal burden can never be equally spread across the states. And, not just states, it varies widely and largely from city to city. For example, in Karnataka, Bangalore largely or even in its entirety solely pay taxes to the center, thanks to its IT and manufacturing boom. But, Maharashtra, has Mumbai paying a lion’s share of direct taxes, and there are Pune and other cities too. So, the “We pay more tax and hence we have to get back more from center” rhetoric is unimaginably stupid. 

On the other side, it is more to do with rich-poor gap than states giving taxes and getting benefits in return. Post liberalization era has only widened this rich-poor gap. The government from 2004-2014 had a great chance to bridge this gap by being more cautious of its economic policies. But it neglected this completely and is now busy coaching its xenophobic dimwits to mislead the aam aadmi of this nation to believe that we pay more taxes but do not get anything back. In fact, the current government has done remarkable progress in bridging the rich-poor gap by developing the very neglected regions of the country so that they depend less on us and eventually sustain on their own. Instead of whining, please feel happy that you’re helping your brethren on the other side so that they eventually stop asking us for help. I understand the frustration that there is no immediate returns! But it does not mean that we divide the country into two! Feel proud that we are paying more only to make our country prosper. We are only more powerful as United India. Do not succumb for mislead propaganda like north and south divide.  

Superior Federals

A good friend from a certain communist state always made fun of the political and socio-economic problems on the other side of the country stating that we are superior federals and we use the federal powers to the best of “our abilities”. His focus was always on “our abilities”. By that, he meant South Indians, which he was always proud of. When he was once drunk, he said that there are only five states in India, Karnataka, Kerala, Maharashtra, Andhra Pradesh and North India. My every attempt to make him understand that executive or the financial powers of the states vary with each other and so the fundamental rights of its citizens was in vain. When he told me that during the recent floods in his state, his parents were rescued by army jawans, I asked him “You superior federals do not even have an army of your own that a Jawan from the other side had to come to your rescue”? Finally he got the point. 

I stated this story because there are millions out there with the “we are superior federals” mindset who consider themselves more powerful and self-sufficient in every possible way! Imagine the situation where an Army Jawan says he’ll rescue only people from his state or a surgeon who says he’ll operate only patients from his region. Forget the citizens with this mind-set, our very own chief minister asked in a public addressing “Why should I develop this region. You guys did not vote for my party”. This is the situation in south.

Imagine the situation of South India, if Vajapayee decided to build highways only between Delhi-Bombay-Kolkata and called it Golden Triangle instead of Golden Quadrilateral just because south did not vote for his party. Pay close attention and you’ll realize that this “Superior Federals” theory is something that Liberals are trying to infest with different narratives in innocent minds. Do not fall for it. Love for your state/region/province is very good. But it never should be above your love for the nation. 

A new country is no joke

Have you ever wondered how much did it cost the exchequer when Andhra Pradesh was divided? Just a new secretariat building in Telangana for the government offices to function cost 1200 crores INR. The new capital of Andhra Pradesh is planning to incur a Capex of 51,000 crore INR of which 14,000 crores will be spent on just construction of roads. Extending the existing railway lines of Amaravati by a little more than 100 km is estimated at 10,000 crores. I want you to understand, my dear friend, that the major chunk of this is all your money. If this is the scene of a new state, imagine the cost of building a new country. Carving out a new country is not just about building infrastructure. A new form of government, new executive and judiciary, new laws, intelligence and trade establishments intellect bureaucrats to run governing bodies; all these do not happen on their own. By the time your dream country USSI (United States of South India) come to a stable position that you are expecting, you would probably cease to dream. So, stop daydreaming about USSI. 

Being a true Indian national, your political inclinations and love for your province should only help it develop and prosper. Such disguised assiduous ideologies are not only treacherous in nature, they are gibberish and lead you to believe in claptrap doctrines. Put your analytical thinking hats on and nip the partisanship in its bud! Diversity is our biggest strength. Don’t let it turn into a weakness, because there is always someone who is waiting to capitalize on it.