Expect nothing and live frugally by surprise

My parents do not have a conscience anymore. Thanks to Alzheimer’s. They do not hesitate to say it all; saying all the stupid, obvious, nauseating things that conscience keeps most people from saying. With experience, I have come to terms with the fact that when people who know their condition do not give a damn, why would others. And this, of late, has upset me. So, of late, I am confined to my house and do not visit anyone or do not encourage anyone visiting home. With all the chaos at home, I no longer know - is home the place we run to or is it the place we run from. But this time, I had to fulfil a long pending visit to one of my father’s childhood friends. It was with the exact same fear, that I decided to visit him. But what unfolded there was a totally “Ok Zoomer” moment for me.

To give you a bit of background, Subbanna uncle and my father are friends for 60+ years now. They were childhood neighbours in a small town, grew up in the same locality, went to same school, same college and started working at the neighbouring PSUs in the same town. There was this disconnect when my father got transferred to Bangalore in the late 70s, but they still managed to keep up the friendship until last few years with a couple of must do annual visits. Fast forward to post covid era and they both have their own health concerns bothering them. With a lot of preparation and hesitation, I took my father to Subbanna uncle’s home yesterday.

After seeing my father going through his hallucinations often, it was a totally different, sane and happy version of him that I got to see yesterday. There was a momentary air of hesitation. But once they opened up, they spoke at length on the time they spent together in their childhood, the cinema they watched together and the books they read. I came to know only yesterday that my father had written a play which they enacted in one of the cultural events in college! They made a few phone calls to their other friends and planned another possible meet-up. Vishvanath uncle joined on phone, Subbanna uncle’s brother, Ramu, who is 88, came over with the help of a walker and joined the conversation. I so wanted to include him also in the pics I clicked, but couldn't ask him to get up and move again. They spoke on their gang's nick names and he recalled how my father was called as "Walking Dictionary" in office in those days. He recalled my father’s impeccable writing and asked if his handwriting was still that legit. They recalled watching movies at a nearby talkies and their club visits, my granny’s culinary skills and many other topics. I was really happy to see my father enjoying the company. I think this visit was precisely what my father wanted – A wing of change to socialize with real people.

Subbanna uncle had spoken to his brother who is a Neuro specialist, about my father’s condition and had gathered some tips to give me to take better care of my father. He was so confident that my father’s condition can be reversed or the progression be delayed, to say the least with those Dos and Don’ts. From Music to Medicine, every word of advice he gave me was echoing the concern he had for my father. I could recall him exclaiming to me at least 20 times, “See – He remembers!!”

I was silently witnessing all this, seeing a momentary happiness in my father’s otherwise lonely, deaf and hallucinating world; my mind comparing Subbanna uncle with all the people I reached out to, for help, to overcome my situation and the naive reasons they gave to abstain and the pretense they displayed. This was the “Expect Nothing.. Live frugally by surprise” moment for me. I’m so contented that in tonight’s dreams, the very Alzheimer’s disease, will sing to me, a rhapsody of illusory marvel that lightens up my heart and fill my brain with an intoxicating amount of dopamine, healing all the wounds of a man who is witnessing his parents deteriorating right in front of him.

I realized one thing today - When you keep up meaningful relationships in life, it can have benefits beyond lifting your spirits. The benefit of true friendship is really immeasurable.

I started my car only to see that even with all the difficulty to walk, Subbanna uncle walking up to us, stood beside my car window, shook hands with his old friend for good ten minutes and said goodbye. On a normal day, I’d yell at everyone for delaying boarding the car stating fuel price, but today, I wanted the engine to roar silently for a few more hours!