Top 5 most annoying things on facebook

This post needs no introduction. So I’m directly diving into the topic. Haven’t you ever, at least once, felt Facebook’s going nowhere..??? Other than the fact that it’s giving publicity to my blog, I’ve been losing interest in it, big time. I pondered what the reasons are and I found many. Here is the Top 5.

5. The about Me’s: “I’m the coolest Virgo/The most adventurous Piscean....”
Who the hell wants to know your sun sign..?? You’ve mentioned you date of birth. That’s more than enough. You tell your sun sign and you want us to figure out what it is..?? Holy shit.. Do you think we are CID Pradhyuman’s fans to go into that much of detail..??? And what about writing dialogs and song excerpts? Who the hell you think you are..?? Anand Bakshi..?? Gulzar..?? Or Wordsworth..??? You should be ashamed of yourself..

4. The Likes and the Super Likes: Someone says something good; I appreciate that you are appreciating it. You like it and comment it saying super like. Why, Why, Why..??? “Like” was an out of the box concept. Please let it be.. Mr. Zukerberg is not considering of including Super like, Ultra Like, Mega Like, Bumper Like, Solid Like and so on.. Please stop using those short lived super likes..!! Its irritating.

3. Tagging you: It’s so common for me to wake up on a weekend to find whopping 45-50 notifications on my profile because some moron would have tagged me in a stupid flower vase image or a digitized “god knows what it is” image and everyone (literally) in his/her friend list has commented, liked, super liked on it. Some even commented why I am not tagged. God knows which asylum these taggers come from, but hell, it’s annoying to the core. Please tag me, only if my bloody face is visible in the image. (I’m crying.. :-()

2. “Checking In”: This is the latest and the dumbest buzz on facebook. You checked into a hotel. Good. You checked out of airport, Great. You checked into a brothel. Fantastic..!!! But who the hell told you that you can check in and out of your own home, Moron..??? We can’t take it... WE REALLY CAN’T TAKE 365 (or if you go home 10 times, that’s a fucking 3650) check ins and check outs on our wall. Please spare us. Till this second, I’m only glad to have not seen someone checked in and out of Toilet on my wall. Thank heavens.!!!!

1. And Finally, the most irritating
a) Sindhu’s Chickens are mighty and hungry and need to be fed.
b) Meera Raghavan wants to share a bunch of beautiful electric roses
c) Sandy’s pig found a brown truffle on your farm
d) Do you think Tejaswi is Gay..???
e) Is Deepthi Hathwar sexy..???

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Oops. Did that remind you of Himesh..?? I’m very sorry. But Nooooooooooooooo. I’m really, terribly, awkwardly upset because of these kinds of updates on my wall. Fuck off. FUCK OOOOOOFFFFFF..!!! Who on earth creates such applications..?? What on earth will make you think you’ve to use this app..??? I say CIA should’ve included those creators and users of these apps in the hit list, with Osama. Use your brains, at least occasionally, pleeeeease.

Rest, facebook is good, fun and “THE” thing to keep in touch with your buddies and know what’s up with them. Now that I’ve told you all these, please don’t take revenge on me by posting the above on my wall. Happy facebooking.. :o)

Aam Aadmi and his Tax-o-Nomy

Warning: All incidents in this story are REAL and not a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person’s lifestyle (especially if you are a software engineer) is truly genuine, authentic and certainly not co incidental.

Not so long ago, before I stepped into Professional world, my life was perfectly blissful. But then, I failed to realize this fact. And today, because of my ignorance, I am paying a heavy tax.

It all started with me passing my bachelors with flying colors (?) and getting placed in an MNC. I looked @ the offer and was more than contented. But of course, like any other software engineer, it didn’t last long. By the time I understood that I was paid peanuts, I had already paid a very high “INCOME TAX”.

I got bored of it and thought of doing some business and make good money. I started a venture which did not make its mark. But the losses were huge because of the “COMMERCIAL TAX”.

I ran into losses and decided to sell the left over raw material. I sold it, but I was again at loss because I had to shell out huge “SALES TAX’ to the government.

Dejected, I could not think of business anymore. With some money left, I purchased a beautiful house in one of the posh localities of Bangalore. That too went beyond my budget because of the “PROPERTY TAX”.

In between all these, I fell in love with my neighbor, which meant more tax…!! I couldn’t take her everywhere in bus/auto. So I decided to book a car. When I got it delivered, I was shocked to see that I had to shell out nearly a lakh more. They call it the “ROAD TAX”.

I took her to a movie. But the tickets were exorbitantly priced. When I asked why, they said “ENTERTAINMENT TAX” is very high in Bangalore.

I got frustrated and took her to a nearby restaurant to have dinner. I saw the bill and some amount was additional. The bearer told me that it was “SERVICE TAX”

On her birthday, I promised to present her a gold ring. But the cost was just unbearable. The jeweler clarified that on anything and everything you buy, there will be a “VALUE ADDED TAX (VAT)”

No prize for guesses, my girlfriend ditched me after that. No money, No girlfriend. My age of loneliness took me to a pub. I boozed so heavily that I wanted to forget tax, girlfriend…and everything that happened to me. But all the kick drained out after I saw the bill. The bartender explained to me, the bill was high because of “EXCISE DUTY”

I was so depressed with my life that wanted salvation from all these. I decided to run away to a remote, distant and far off place where no one would recognize me or disturb me. I was not even 30 km away and had reached Hosur, I was out of money to pay for “TOLL ROAD TAX and INTER STATE ENTRY TAX”

And today, with god's grace, I’ve got back my job as software engineer and everything is normal just like how it was before…….

………. except for the two new components added to my pay slip.

“EDUCATION CESS and PROFESSIONAL TAX”

The Yekkada, The Yennada and The Kannada

It never occurred to me until I saw the Census 2011 statistics. The globalization effect has tampered the vernacular culture of Bangalore dreadfully. Yes..!! Bangalore has taken the biggest hit of globalization. A whooping 95 million people in Bangalore..!!! It was just (?) 65 million in 2001. 30 million more people (that’s 46% increase…!!!) in just 10 years..??? Tragically, there’s hardly any increase in Kannadiga numbers. Local people in Karnataka are a mere 38%. Not sure if the inverse effect of this is seen in California. But I felt bad, really bad.
I’m very certain that we all know about it, fume about it every time the topic arises when we all party at friends place. But the question here is, being Kannadiga, am I doing my least bit to restore the Kannada glory..??? The answer is a confident NO. I don’t know how all my non kannadiga friends will react to this post, but in a desperate effort to save Bangalore from vernacular people becoming minorities, I had to write this.
Change your Slang: Use as much Kannada as you can. Stop showing off by talking in English… At least with chai walas and bus conductors (Trouble an Auto wala instead!!!). For heavens sake, we all know how good our own lexicon power is. No matter how bad you might think your Kannada vocabulary is, just remember that any day you’re better than shivraj kumar or Vijay mallya..!! It’s totally ok to stop being “cool” for some time and chat in Kannada (at least if you know the other person knows Kannada). Rationalize the local words and make them popular. Kannada jargons are cooler, easy to spell and you can relate to it in a better way. Just take a look. Isn't it fun using the kannada slang?

• Dude, Buddy, Pal --- Guru, Maga, Sisya
• Whats up man.. --- Yen kithakta idyo bewarsi
• Bro where are you ---  Anna, yel aaykond tinta idya
• Thats so cool --- Avn ajji, Chindi
• Are you kidding me..?? ---  Namge Halwa na..??
• Get lost --- Right helu
• Thats my girlfriend --- Adu nan Dove guru
• He’s a big liar --- Doddu Olu nan maga

 

Just imagine how many times we all use the word “fuck” in a day. If Kannada Sahitya Parishat can come up with a funky, equally cool Kannada equivalent of the holy F word, then majority of the problem will be solved.
 
Shift all the call centers to UP/Bihar: Yes..!!! In Bangalore, It’s a loser’s last resort. It’s a pre conceived notion that anywhere in the world, if you don’t get a solution to your problem thru phone, then you’re talking to a Bangalorean. Shift all call centers to UP/Bihar and let the world know that things can be worse.

 

Capital punishment for Triple rides: Very effective one indeed. Just imagine… If there is capital punishment for triple (Quardra, Penta, Hexa….) rides, then all our “Kya Ji jis” and “Kya ba ines” might fear of not being able to travel in one bike and stop having 27-30 kids per wife (I’ve heard the number has come down to 17-20). In turn we’ll get to hear less of “Kannada Killers”. Insha allah, Nimduke artha agta idare illa….? (I wish I could imitate here)

 

Leadership changes: Needless to say, Yeddi, his cheddis and Reddys are hopeless. Hence declare Mayawati as the CM of Karnataka. JD(S) and BSP will come up with a combo plan and sell Bangalore to UP. Instead of a slow process, at one shot Bangalore will become North India and Kannadigas, persuaded minorities. Problem solved.

 

The Tongue twister method: I’d been to enquire about a bike to a showroom and the mallu salesperson explained the features to me like this. Soober Ingine, good mile age, Sero to sevendy fi in toenty fi segends. That’s when it flashed to me; it’s fair enough to mandate all the mallus to have a special round of job interview called the “Tongue twister round” to get a job in Bangalore. If a mallu can twist his/her tongue more than 30 degrees, it’s understood that he can potentially kill any language (ingluding SEE & SEE blus blus).

 

I really can’t ask you to watch Kannada movies; you would’ve already seen it at least once in Telugu and once in Tamil. But understand that Kannada ism not confined to just Rajkumar, Vishnuvardhan or Upendra. The real Kannada ism lies in “Kuvempu”, it’s in “Bendre”, “DVG” and many others who’ve made kannada proud. Know who they are. At least, you can avoid making constipation faces when you come across their names.

 

We can see a Rawalpindi in RT Nagar and a Salem in Srirampura. Have you seen one such Kannada colony in Chennai or Hyderabad? Forget Kannada colonies, just say Kannada in these cities, you’ll get responses as Yennada and Yekkada. It’s time we learn from them.

 

But ultimately, it’s all in our hands to decide which one’s good for us. “The Yennada”, “The Yekkada” or “The Kannada”