The IVR (irritating voice response) blues

Dear Mr. whoever the fuck  you are, my hearty congratulations on launching one common toll free customer care number across India for your phone banking services. A great move, perhaps. Need of the hour, I must say. However, this is to bring to your kind notice about a paradox, a mockery of your customer’s patience in your IVR.  

Let me tell you that, I wouldn’t have bothered to write this if your IVR was toll free. Do you think we have lot of money and time that’s why we keep calling you? To hell with you. I had some enquiry to be made and I called your phone banking to get things clarified. But, when I ended the call, I went into a state of trance wondering, do I really know enough English to understand your IVR menus. The call lasted for more than 30 min, but I couldn’t find a way to talk to a phone banker. It took me more than 30 min (and of course my mobile bill) to find out that there is NO such option. Like Shah Rukh Khan and Karan Johar tricks the audience, I was a victim of your cheap irritating voice response strategies.

Which dumbass gave the IVR idea? Even H D Devegowda couldn’t have thought about it. I mean it. Press 1 for English..  Press 2 for Kannada………… Press 52 for Konkani... Press 53 for Bhojpuri….  Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah…  Why can’t you keep it simple..??? I pressed 1. (Thank heavens, it didn’t verify my English skills and ask me to spell “English”.). Again, Press 1 for account details. Press 2 for some other bullshit…  Press 23 for your checkbook’s 21^st leaf number… OH MY GOD. OH MY DEAR GOD.. When I pressed 1. It said my 14 digit account number at 0.0000001 characters per sec, murmured my account balance which even Peter Parker with spider senses couldn’t hear and got disconnected by itself. 

Where the hell is an option in your IVR to talk to phone banker?  After wasting 30 min of time and with my mobile bill sky rocketing, I still couldn’t find it. I reached the card block dept (That’s the only easily, or rather reachable dept) and a guy told me “Yes saar, Tell saar.. Saar, I’ll place you on hold saar. And I get to listen to a sucker punch instrumental which sounds like a fucking Pakistani singing a sufi song when his testicles have been clutched. You’ll fall asleep. After ages, the associate gets back and says “saaar”, that’s when you regain your senses out of panic.  Saar, select the ‘Press 2 for check book details’ option saar” and that will connect to phone banker saar. OK saar..?? TANK you saar. I wondered if Rameez Raja joined call center…!!!

Holy crap. How the hell did your analysts think that anyone would select “Checkbook details” to talk to phone banker? Even our CID Pradhyuman wouldn’t have cracked this one. I really want to know to which god damn Service Company is offering you this great service. Are you not paying them..?? Or is your IVR service a lifetime free complimentary gift from some startup enterprise for throwing them a couple of corporate accounts?

Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? You call yourself best bank in private sector, won awards… Screw you..!!! Do you even know what customer service is? To hell with those juries which give you these awards. They should be banned from functioning, for a lifetime. 

Please understand that OUR PHONE + YOUR BANK does not sum up to customer service. Forget good customer service, it’s not your cup of tea. At least, let your customers know how & in what innovative way you’ve cheated them. Alas, they deserve it. Don’t they? Please do something before your IVR finds a place in daily cartoons, SMS jokes and emails. Wake up..!!!

Image courtesy: google images

Song satire - Maa - The "Fear of silkboard" mix

Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin
Par silk board Se Darta Hoon Main Maa
Yun To Main, tweet karta  Nahin
time pass Karta Hoon Main Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata,,Meri Maa

Ttraffic Mein Yun Na Chodo Mujhe
Ghar Laut Ke Bhi Aa Naa Paoon Maa
Bhej Na electronic city Mujkko Tu
Code testing bhi karna Paoon Maa
Kya Itna Bura Hoon Main Maa
Kya Itna Bura Meri Maa

Jab Bhi Kabhi team lead Mujhe
Jo Zor Se zyada kaam dete Hain Maa
Meri Nazar Dhoondhe Tujhe
Sochu Yahi Tu Aa Ke Thaamegi Maa

Unse Main Yeh Kehta Nahin
Par Main stay back karta Hoon Maa
Chehre Pe Aane Deta Nahin
Dil Hi Dil Mein Ghabraata Hoon Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Hai Naa Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Meri Maa

Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin
Par silk board Se Darta Hoon Main Maa
Yun To Main, tweet karta  Nahin
time pass Karta Hoon Main Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata,,Meri Maa

Original lyrics – Prasoon Joshi

The confessions of an insomniac

Today morning, when I posted this quote “The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good” on thinkitover,  it was a facepalm moment for me; The real Self Thoo time. I just reflected on what had happened the previous night. And felt bad; very bad that I behaved so discourteously with my grandmother.

Prologue

For the records, my granny apart from being the sweetest grandmother on earth is also Alzheimer’s patient. Most of her reliable memory now is of her past and she doesn’t remember most of the new and fresh events of her life. She hallucinates that whatever has happened in her life is actually happening in the present day, at the moment.  The trouble is actually here. She thinks her uncle died today. But in real she is recalling the event which happened 65 years ago. And the part of her brain which decides between present and past (like the planned v/s actual in agile) isn’t working to its full potential. So if we try to make her understand that it was 65 years ago that her uncle actually kicked the bucket, she just can’t comprehend it. 

Her uncle kicking the bucket is just one thing. There are n numbers of things that she recalls and hallucinates that it happened just now. And the most helpless part is we can’t make her understand. Of late she has started this new thing of getting up in the middle of the night and wanting to go out of home, call someone, take bath, wash clothes, do the dishes and so many other things (Yes in the middle of the night), which has disturbed my sleep to a greater extent.

On the other hand, I’ve just recovered from the pigeon menace which gave me sleepless nights for more than a month or so!. Most of you know about it. So I’m not going to get into technical details of what insomnia can do to you. May be god has decided to test my endurance under the absence of melatonin. Long travel hours have forced me to get up early to reach office thereby reducing my sleeping time further. All this had the combined effect on insomnia on me.

Last night when my granny got up at around 2 in the midnight for whatsoever reasons, it resulted in the outburst of all the fury and rage concealed in me for more than a month. I yelled at my grandmother so badly and so loudly that she was petrified totally. A part of it may be because of the fact that I’ve always been her love thy kid and she never expected such a retaliating behavior from me. But before I realized what had happened, the damage had already been done. Thanks to my insomnia. On the other hand, I was caught in the emotional clutter for my rude behavior and was full of guilt for what I did to her. I couldn’t sleep. More insomnia!

Epilogue

My cousin Sameera's wife (Navya) has given birth to a baby boy. It was her sweet desire (or orders, I must say) that my granny should hold the child first before anyone else does. For obvious reasons, my grandmother is on cloud nine (She was “in” cloud nine too) on being promoted to great grandmother. The arrival of baby has cheered her to a great extent. She is overwhelmed. I too was relaxed to see that she had come out of yesterday’s episode. I decided that at the least I should say sorry to her and of course, she deserved it. While coming back from the hospital, I slowly said sorry for what I did yesterday and that I’d never repeat it ever again for which her reply was………

“What are you talking about? I’m not understanding”

I’m so glad that she’s forgotten it. I cribbed so much about her medical condition all these days, but finally it was the same Alzheimer’s that came to my rescue. I was out of my guilt within a second; feeling much relaxed and happy. It was a sure shot lesson to me.

"No matter how intricate your problems are, the best solution to it lies within!"

The Bangalore traffic Handbook

Having been associated with the city for past 26 years, I’ve always been influenced by the fact that Bangaloreans are always a little more sensible, practical and intellectually better off compared to populace of any other city in India. Be it Cricket crowd in Chinnaswamy stadium or your love thy neighbor lending a helping hand when required or even in terms of behavioral competencies; Namma Bengaluru is famous for its “Always in good spirits” people. But until I started driving on Bangalore roads, I was masked off one category of people whose conducts and protocols are exactly the opposite of the qualities described above. Trust me; it’s not a cakewalk to handle people belonging to this category. What’s worst? You can never avoid these people unless stop driving on Bangalore roads.

So here I go. Some proven and tested guidelines which may be of great help for non harassing travelling experience (The “Driving with pleasure” is dead/extinct)

1. BMTC – They’re licensed to kill. So they rule the road. Never take on with them. Just give them way. And stay away 
2.  Bangalore has no super cop is a myth. The truth is that it has 1.2 lakh super cops equipped with three wheelers called Autos. They’ll mock test your driving skills by means of negative testing. For e.g. putting right indicators and turning left, abrupt U-turns, wheelie, stoppie, wheel spin, swift brakes and so many other things which you can’t imagine in your wildest dreams. Be prepared to pass the test (P.S: Nobody has managed to score more than 35)
    
   
3.  Speed breakers: With more than 3000 km of road and an equal number of speed breakers, you actually drive using breaks. Acceleration? What’s that!
4. Pothole and manhole: Very trivial to differentiate on Bangalore roads. Hone your skills to identify what is what
   
5. If you see the road you took just yesterday has turned one way in opposite direction, don’t panic. You’re perfectly normal.
6. If the downpour is heavy, don’t take the roads that have flyovers, underpass, trees, rail over bridges, level crossings and grade separators and electric poles. In other words, stay home.
      
   
7. Gaps between vehicles are actually measured in nanometers.
8. If you don’t have breaks in your car, never mind. But always keep sound horns intact. It’s in fact a good idea to have a backup horn installed so that you can honk both for optimum effect.
9. Two wheelers riding on footpath and pedestrians walking on road is Bangalore’s culture.
     
   
10. The only thing that’s on par with Usain Bolt’s speed is Bangalore auto meter. Have enough cash before boarding an auto
11. Praying to god before leaving home and honking after signal turns green are considered holy for our people.
12. Driving on top gear in Bangalore and Halley’s comet – Both occurs once in 76 years 
13. We don’t care for ambulances and medical emergencies. After all, we’re a small country with a billion people.

Just take care of the above guidelines. Rest will fall in place involuntarily. Happy driving on Bangalore roads

The voice of Sarabjit Singh - a victim of political feebleness

 

Most of you can’t sit next to your own irritating bosses for just eight hours. I did it for 22 long years. I said I was a farmer. But they called me a terrorist. They arrested me for crossing the border. But they charged that I’m a bomber.  I said I’m a stupid common man. They branded me as “Indian Spy”. I told the truth. But they convicted me and awarded death sentence.

I was waiting to hear from my countrymen. But they kept quiet

They kept me in solitary confinement for more than 15 years. I didn’t have enough space in the prison to stand up on my feet. I was chained with iron rods. I never got a chance to see or hear from wife and two daughters for ages. I heard that my sister did everything she could and campaigned assiduously for my release.

I was waiting to hear from my countrymen. But they kept quiet

My lawyers filed mercy plea five times. They collected 100,000+ signatures. They started an online campaign, a UK lawyer (Jas Uppal) came to help me. Some Canadian Human rights group helped me come out of my solitary confinement.

I was waiting to hear from my countrymen. But they kept quiet

They never verified my true identity. They tortured me to confess that I was a terrorist. I said I know only Hindi. They conducted court trials in English. Witnesses changed. Their versions changed. But their decision didn’t.  I was made a scapegoat. They finally decided to release me. But few hours later, they called it a hoax. 

I was waiting to hear from my countrymen. But they kept quiet

I was attacked in central jail with bricks, iron rods, blades and other weapons. I went to coma and was admitted to a hospital. By now I had lost hopes that my countrymen will help me. But this time they broke their silence. My noble countrymen asked them to release me on humanitarian grounds. I felt so happy that my country’s noble babus at least know my name. All of a sudden, I was the talk of the town. NDA condemned UPA that it did nothing. UPA fired back what NDA did during its rule to get him back.

And now that I’ve ceased to exist, I’m freed of waiting for help, I’ve got ample free time to think if I’m really a victim of mistaken identity or an illustration of a country’s political feebleness and folly.

By the way I’m Sarabjit Singh, a farmer from a remote village of India and this, is my story!

Sources: Wikipedia and http://freesarabjitsingh.com/

Image courtesy: ndtv.com