Dear Mr. whoever the fuck you are, my hearty congratulations on
launching one common toll free customer care number across India for your phone
banking services. A great move, perhaps. Need of the hour, I must say. However,
this is to bring to your kind notice about a paradox, a mockery of your
customer’s patience in your IVR.
Let me tell you that, I wouldn’t have bothered to write this
if your IVR was toll free. Do you think we have lot of money and time that’s
why we keep calling you? To hell with you. I had some enquiry to be made and I
called your phone banking to get things clarified. But, when I ended the call,
I went into a state of trance wondering, do I really know enough English to
understand your IVR menus. The call lasted for more than 30 min, but I couldn’t
find a way to talk to a phone banker. It took me more than 30 min (and of
course my mobile bill) to find out that there is NO such option. Like Shah Rukh
Khan and Karan Johar tricks the audience, I was a victim of your cheap
irritating voice response strategies.
Which dumbass gave the IVR idea? Even H D Devegowda couldn’t
have thought about it. I mean it. Press 1 for English.. Press 2 for Kannada………… Press 52 for Konkani...
Press 53 for Bhojpuri…. Blah, Blah,
Blah, Blah… Why can’t you keep it
simple..??? I pressed 1. (Thank heavens, it didn’t verify my English skills and
ask me to spell “English”.). Again, Press 1 for account details. Press 2 for
some other bullshit… Press 23 for your
checkbook’s 21st leaf number… OH MY GOD. OH MY DEAR GOD.. When I
pressed 1. It said my 14 digit account number at 0.0000001 characters per sec,
murmured my account balance which even Peter Parker with spider senses couldn’t
hear and got disconnected by itself.
Where the hell is an option in your IVR to talk to phone
banker? After wasting 30 min of time and
with my mobile bill sky rocketing, I still couldn’t find it. I reached the card
block dept (That’s the only easily, or rather reachable dept) and a guy told me
“Yes saar, Tell saar.. Saar, I’ll place you on hold saar. And I get to listen
to a sucker punch instrumental which sounds like a fucking Pakistani singing a
sufi song when his testicles have been clutched. You’ll fall asleep. After
ages, the associate gets back and says “saaar”, that’s when you regain your
senses out of panic. Saar, select the ‘Press
2 for check book details’ option
saar” and that will connect to phone banker saar. OK saar..??
TANK you saar. I wondered if Rameez Raja joined call center…!!!
Holy crap. How the hell
did your analysts think that anyone would select “Checkbook details” to talk to
phone banker? Even our CID Pradhyuman wouldn’t have cracked this one. I really
want to know to which god damn Service Company is offering you this great
service. Are you not paying them..?? Or is your IVR service a lifetime free
complimentary gift from some startup enterprise for throwing them a couple of
corporate accounts?
Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? You call yourself best bank
in private sector, won awards… Screw you..!!! Do you even know what customer
service is? To hell with those juries which give you these awards. They should
be banned from functioning, for a lifetime.
Please understand that OUR PHONE + YOUR BANK does not sum up to customer service. Forget good customer service, it’s not your cup of tea. At least, let your customers know how & in what innovative way you’ve cheated them. Alas, they deserve it. Don’t they? Please do something before your IVR finds a place in daily cartoons, SMS jokes and emails. Wake up..!!!
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