An open letter to Chetan Bhagat

Dear Chetan,

Thank you so much, for you’ve made me realize the “value for money” premise in just 2 days, which my parents couldn’t in 20 years. I’m feeling fucking dejected for spending money on the most worthless object in India. I’m such a loser and never felt this low in my life. Haven’t I purchased your book Revolution 2020, I never would have realized the value of 140 bucks in life. After I saw your book for 86 bucks on flipkart, Damn, I felt sadder than SRK learning that Ra-One is liked by No-One. Thank you for teaching every fellow reader, the value of your worthless stories. 

Who do you think you are..?? An IIT ian turned IIM ite turned writer? That’s like Obama claiming himself as an African Tribe turned US president. Your quitting of Investment banking to be a full time writer is like Sonia Gandhi quitting politics to become a bollywood item girl, creating only more trouble for Indians. Did nobody tell you that excluding five point someone, all your other masterpieces has got nothing, absolutely nothing other than being smeared with rotten dirty bollywood masala shit? Are you sure nobody did?  I would suggest you better work for Sajid Nadiadwala in disguise and write screenplays for him. 

With a prologue as long as your motivational speeches (I’ll come to that later), your love stories are worse than a kannada movie. And when the world has forgotten Subhash Ghai, including Vivek Oberoi, you get inspired from him and feature yourself in all your works. For whose sake.? When the whole bunch of Indian readers are expecting something from you, you come up with this masterpiece of wholesome shit, a dumb fucking, characterless triangular story and give it the title “Revolution 2020” (Thinking of my 140 bucks and crying…). 

You motivated all the students of Symbiosis, that’s great news. It doesn’t mean you put up an advertisement in your website to invite you as a “motivational” speaker. And you say that all your speeches are customized for the particular audience you address. Does it mean you’ve mugged up a speech for every type of audience..?? I just hope not. You studied core technology in IIT, core management in IIM and become a writer only to rant about the need to change the education system in India on twitter and TOI editorial. How dare you do that?

You had all the chances to make it big. NY times quoted that you are making India read like never before. Five point Someone was a hit. You had received enough accolades and fame. If you really had flair for writing and with some brains (I’m not talking about your eating books and puking it on your IIT and IIM answer scripts), you’d have written something real, really real. You missed it, Chetan.

Writing really isn’t your cup of tea. So for fuck’s sake, go back to Hong-Kong and invest your time and effort in your banking domain. Spare Indian readers. PLEASE.

P.S: Having "Bhagat" in your name doesn't make you patriotic hero of India. So stop assuming that you are making India proud.

Image courtesy: chakpak.com

Diwali special: Indi YEAH shining

It’s time to celebrate and rejoice in India. After all the fiascos that gripped the nation, including the national loss of collective shit on facebook about Steve Jobs’ death, finally the gods of lights have indeed showered some light on us. I’ve got the feeling of ‘its good to be great’. 

The SMART act: For the first time or rather after long time (whichever comes only one time) our cops have acted before it is too late to avert a disaster. Delhi Police have seized 5 kg of RDX before they went in wrong hands. If you know what tremors a whoopingly fucking 5kg of RDX can trigger, you’ll fathom the intensity and importance of it. This time, as a diwali gift, Delhi police just got some luck.

Bangalore Metro: Finally Bangalore is a “Metro” politan city. The reach one of Namma Metro is thrown open to public, in ishtyle. And the news from the Indiranagar is that it is awesome. BMRCL is grinning. After spending 6000 crore, BMRCL was skeptical whether it would fetch a smile on 6000 Ulsoor residents. And whether Yeddi missed the Metro or Metro missed Yeddi, only time will tell.

Yeddi in Jail: For all the developmental works he did for his family, oops I mean Karnataka (for him, his family is state), he was treated with due respect by the court; Bailing out everyone except him. Yeddi’s mindset was like Lance Armstrong thinking if he could win Tour De France, he could win f1 on is cycle. But this Diwali, he ran out of his stock of luck. Well, R.Ashok is all alone outside and hopefully, as a Diwali gift by namma lokayukta police, BSY will have a companion. He was only happy to come back to jail from Hospital. Damn his Astro palmist. After all, if Kalmadi can get Dementia in Jail for 70,000 crore, If Telgi can contact AIDS worth 36000 crore, Docs think Yeddi’s chest pain was worth every penny. 

CBI’s almost close to making Raja and Kanimozhi’s current place, a permanent one. Telangana strike has ended for good. India taking a fantastic revenge on Englishmen, My Company surprised me with a festive bonus and what else you need. It’s Indi YEAH shining..!!!

Oops.. I just realized, since its Diwali, I’m afraid I can’t say “Have a BLAST”. Enjoy the good days :o)

ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ hosur road ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು

ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ ನಮ್ಮಾ ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು

Hosur road traffic ಗೆ ಇಲ್ಲ ಮುಲಾಮು

Elevated expressway ಗೆ ದೊಡ್ಡ ಸಲಾಮು  

ಈ ಹೊಗೆ ಕುಡಿತಿದ್ರೆ cancer ಖಾಯಮ್ಮು

ಎಲ್ಲೇ ಇದ್ರೂನು ನೀವ್, ಹೆಂಗೆ ಇದ್ರೂನು

ಬೊಮ್ಮನ ಹಳ್ಳಿಲಾದ್ರು ಹಾಡ್ರಿ ನಮ್ಮ poemmu

|| ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ ನಮ್ಮಾ ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು… Hosur road traffic ಗೆ ಇಲ್ಲ ಮುಲಾಮು ||

ತುಂಬಾ ಸಣ್ಣ ರೋಡು ಅಂತ ಅನ್ಕೊಂಡಿದ್ದೆ ನಾನು… 2000 ಅಲ್ಲಿ

Infosys placement ಆಯ್ತು. Project ಸಿಕ್ತು Electronic city ನಲ್ಲಿ
ಯಾಕೋ ಏನೋ ಯೆಡಿಯೂರಪ್ಪ road ಅಗಿಯೋದ್ ಕಲ್ತ್ ಬಿಟ್ಟವ್ನೆ  
ಹುಡ್ಗೀರ್ ಜೊತೆ bikeನಲ್ ಬಂದ್ರೆ. Police ಮಾಮ ನಿಂತ್ಕೊಂಡ್ ಅವ್ನೆ
ನಾನು ವೈಶಾಲಿ ಗೆ office drop ಮಾಡಕ್ ಆಗ್ಲಿಲ್ಲ
ಆಕೆ ನನ್ ಬಿಟ್ಟು ನನ್ managerನೆ ಕಟ್ಕೊಂಡ್ ಬಿಟ್ಟಳಲ್ಲ

|| ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ hosur road ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು… ವೈಶಾಲಿ ನೀ ಯಾಕೆ ಹತ್ತಿದೆ, 356Mಉ ||

ಶೀಲಾ ಸಿಕ್ಲು silk board ಅಲ್ಲಿ… speed petrol ಹಾಕಿಸಿಕೊಂಡು expressway ಹತ್ತಿದ್ವಿ

Pulsarನಲ್ಲಿ ಇಬ್ರು.. ಒಬ್ರೇ ಕುಂತ ಹಾಗೆ ಕುಂತು ಓಡಾಡ್ಕೊಂಡ್ ಇದ್ವಿ
Wi-Fiನಲ್ಲಿ ಅವಳ ಜೊತೆ chat ಮಾಡಿದ ಕನಸು ಬಿತ್ತು
Midnightalli ಹೊಸ ರೋಡು ನಮ್ಮಿಬ್ರನ್ನ ನೋಡ್ತಾ ಇತ್ತು
Work from home ನೆತ್ತಿಗೆ ಹತ್ತಿ, ನಾನು ಮರೆತೇ office ಮೆಟ್ಲು
ಆದ್ರೆ ಒಂದು ದಿವಸ ಶೀಲಾ ಸೀದಾ ಬಂದು ಮದುವೆ card ಕೊಟ್ಲು

|| ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ ಎಲ್ಲರದು same problemmu.. Lords Plazaಗೆ ಹೋಗಿ ಬಿಟ್ಕೊಂಡೆ rummu ||

Officeಗೆ ಅಂತಾ ಒಮ್ಮೆ shuttle catch ಮಾಡಕ್ಕೆ ನಾನು stopಗೆ ಹೋದೆ

ನನ್ನ ಪಕ್ಕ ಕುಂತ್ಕೊಂಡೋಳಿಗೆ ತುಟಿ ಪಕ್ಕ ಮಚ್ಚೆ ಇತ್ತು.. ಹೆಸರು ಹೇಳಲಾರೆ
Sudden breaku ಸಾಕು ನಂಗೆ, ಬೀಳೋದಕ್ಕೆ love ನಲ್ಲಿ
ಅಮೇಲ್ ಏನು ಆಯ್ತು ಅಂತ.. ನಿಮಗೆ ನಾನು ಹೇಗೆ ಹೇಳಲಿ
ಅವ್ಳು ನನ್ನ ಹಳೆ project team leader ಆಗಿದ್ಲು ಕಣ್ರೀ
Rating ಕೊಟ್ಟ ಅವಳ ಮುಂದೆ ನಾನು ಬಚ್ಚಾ ಆಗೋದೇ ಕಣ್ರೀ

|| ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ ನಮ್ಮಾ next ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು… ನನ್ನ flashbackಏ ಒಂದು chewing gummu ||

ಈ ಬ್ಲಾಗ್ ಪೋಸ್ಟ್ ಕೇವಲ ಮನೋರಂಜನೆಗಾಗಿ ಮಾತ್ರ. ಯಾವುದೇ ಘಟನೆ, ವ್ಯಕ್ತಿ ಅಥವ ಅವರ ಕೆಲಸಗಳನ್ನು ಅವಲಂಬಿಸಿರುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಹಾಗೇನಾದರೂ ಇದ್ದಲ್ಲಿ ಅದು ಕಾಕತಾಳೀಯವಷ್ಟೇ.

ಚಿತ್ರ ಕೃಪೆ: pawantheactor.com

Woo-men

 

This is neither gender biasing nor trying to prove that male genes are supreme.  I’m not even debating about equality of women. But I’m wondering, how effectively young Indian women of today are making the best use of their freedom. I agree, you have studied abroad, you are earning 6 digit salaries, and you deserve better comforts, better lifestyle, luxury and blah, blah... Fair enough. Your hobbies and best practices are expensive, quite okay too. That’s your money, your lifestyle. But what you’ve failed to take notice of is that, with most of your hobbies and best practices, you exude not opulence, but sheer stupidity. Here is how.

Driving: Do you have the faintest idea of how many drivers and riders are sinned everyday? Because they just can’t stop themselves from saying ‘Teri maa ki’ and ‘nin a**an’, It instinctively comes out of our mouth after being petrified by your amazing traffic sense. After creating so much chaos on road, you expect sympathy from people. How can you? Getting a 40lakh Merc with your money isn’t enough, knowing how to drive, where/how to park also makes sense. Forget your driving sense and use your common sense to hire a driver and save lives. There are some things in life money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s common sense.

Fish Spa: Ever heard of it? This wonderful therapy does nothing but use fish to take the dirt off your feet. This is how it works. You’ll dip your fish food soaked feet in a pool of fishes which will eat off the shit glued onto your feet. And you happily pay 1000 bucks to get your feet cleaned. 1000 bucks to get your foot cleaned? What about the shit in your brains, that’s making you do all these?

Slut Walk: Delhi boys need an attitude change, I agree. But really, what on earth makes women think that a Slut walk can change the way Delhi boys look at them. This is heights of a failed attempt by women to establish first and second wave feminism in India. Sorry to say this. But Gynocentric society is still a distant dream in a country like India. Such slut walks with great women like ‘Poonam Pandey’ in lead will have no Buddha effect on men’s brain. Instead it will worsen your own image. And for India’s sake, stop considering Brinda Carat, Arundathi Roy and Shobaa De as saviors of womanhood.

Dressing: Quintessential slogans like “Change your mindset and not your clothes” look good only on your tees and face book status. We all know that the see through quotient of your dress is directly proportional to its price. And obviously you want to flaunt it. But what I’m truly not able to fathom is the necessity of young girls to show off their curves and voluptuous assets inside temples. Worst, parents encourage it. It would disturb even god. No matter where you are and what you are, you invite trouble, only trouble and more trouble by dressing provocatively. And you expect every man to be a gentle man.?? Phew..!!! It’s like expecting a wolf not to kill you just because you are a veggie.  You wear what you like. Show off what you want to. But all it takes is a pinch of commonsense to decide where to wear, what.

Women have the flair for making money. You deserve it too. But that’s quite not enough. Without the flair for effectively using the money you’ve made, you’ll make a fool out of yourself. As Mumbai girls’ gear up for the “Besharmi morcha”, just 2000 km away in the Middle East desert, Women are contented, that they have been given rights to vote from 2015. Sigh.!!!

Image courtesy: ibnlive and automotivehorizon.