Pro tips for friends who are getting married

I woke up to a whopping 65 anniversary wishes on WhatsApp. A friend who got married just before me celebrated first anniversary which reminded me that it has been almost a year since I lost my bachelorhood. I’m tensed. The “what to gift wife for the first anniversary” trepidation is slowly pitching in (Please text me if you have ideas that has worked). So I’m taking a transient detour from the Tourist In my own city series and writing this.

Frankly, I was very much apprehensive before marriage. Even the thought of post marriage left me with a wicked onset of social anxiety and a weird, unexplainable exasperation. People in my close circle always said that I’m a responsible man and you’ll be alright. But I couldn’t agree a bit. Today, I’m indeed a very happy man. But the transition from being a happy go lucky, careless bloke to a man of responsibilities has not been a smooth ride! I somehow, have successfully reached a position where I can proudly say that “I’m the boss in this house (And I have my wife’s permission to say so)” ;)

With many of my closest friends getting ready for marriage and I being the senior with almost a year of “marriage” experience, have realized that there’s a funny edge to it too. And I firmly believe that there is no delight in owning anything unshared. So here are some of the pro tips to all my buddy maklus who are getting married.

Never, ever say “I have good news”

I once got a chance to represent my company in one of the conferences abroad. Just like any other husband/son; I naturally said “I have good news”. I wasn’t aware of the fact that definition of “good news” after marriage is the “you know what it is” good news in Indian context. When my mom and granny came to know what the actual (good?) news is, they felt so disheartened (is that all… types), that nobody spoke to me for next couple of days.

Make a point in your mind; after marriage, even if you win a lottery worth million dollars or become the CEO of a company, IT IS NOT GOOD NEWS.

Say “YES” to dowry

This is one of the biggest mistakes I did. I was a gentleman (or I thought so) and didn’t even bring the topic of dowry up. Result was devastating. The amount of time and effort spent by me to get my wife some of the basic necessities to lead a happy life; I can write a book on it titled “My Life.. My wife & My Struggles”. Just because I did not stand up for my rights, I had to take a lot of pain.

So friends, never ever say NO to dowry. Don’t struggle after marriage. After all, dowry is for her own good. Don’t have a second thought in your mind and ASK for these basic necessities as dowry.

•     Passport with at least 8 years of validity.
•       Address proof (YOUR HOME only)
•        Marriage certificate
•       Her Bank account transferred to your nearest branch (This takes priority if she’s from another city)

Say it.. If you love your car

For all of us who didn’t have girl-friends before marriage, we all can’t enamour enough of our own car. Well, that’s before marriage story. After marriage, your wife, with the purest intentions of learning how to drive, will whip it like a bullock-cart, whack it and drives it through the mire. According to her, it is perfectly normal because she is learning how to drive. But that’s different. You’ll feel like driving to a lonely place, hug your car and shed tears to the max. But you can’t do this because you’ll have to accompany her too.

Take a chance. Say that you love your car and make her understand that cars at driving school are exclusively made to take all the hits and bumps from women*.

*Consequences at your own risk

Color skepticism

We could recognize a maximum of 7 colors. But after marriage, you’ll see so many shades of the same color that it is pretty normal that you’ll get skeptical and tackle this question to death. “Do those many shades of the same color (especially the shades of PINK) exist in reality?”

You may argue with Hue, Tint, shade, saturation and other physics and chromatic terminologies, but the actual weightage will be given to 99 colors of TVS Scooty and nail enamels. Prepare to lose arguments on ethical grounds, even though you are technically correct.

The matching paradigm

You remember those good old days in college how we celebrated if two of us wore the same “Man U” tees? It seems we were wrong. That is a taboo. According to girls, if two people are wearing the same attire, then it is as humiliating as your country’s Human Development Index is coming drastically down. Not only that; If her hair band is green, then having her vanity bag, shoe buckle, nail color, watch strap and the mobile flip cover also in green is considered high self-esteem.

For your own good, to avoid clash and confusion, accept the matching rationale.

Find an answer

And lastly, Being in IT, this is probably the most difficult question you will HAVE to answer after Fourier Transformations in college days: “Did you marry me or this computer”? Please let me know if the answer you said was considered satisfactory by your better half.

If you learn to handle these “fundamentally” important things, the smaller things like the need for 20 pair of sandals, the need for chivalry, her mood swings and why she is always right will take care of itself. As a great man once said “…And they lived happily ever after is not a fairytale. It is a choice”.

Welcome to the club and I wish you guys a very happy married life. 

Tourist in my own city-2 : Russel Market

This part of the city is relaxed in a way that shows that it just doesn’t care whatever is happening on the other side of Bangalore. In other words, it has remained nonchalant all these days. This is the primary reason why I often deviate from my usual road and take a ride around cantonment area and Shivajinagar while going to office. It reminds me of old Bangalore.

Front entrance of Russel Market

Bangalore in 1920s had only two major divisions. One was called the pete area (which I’ve already written about) which had a majority of kannadigas and the other was Cantonment which had a western influence; thanks to the residents from Britain and other parts of the world. While pete area was administered by Maharaja of Mysore, the influence of British was more in the region of cantonment.  Thus the old cantonment area saw a rapid development. This also saw a need for a bigger market area for people to buy their daily essential commodities. Then, South parade (now called as MG Road) was meant only for expensive shopping. That is when the then municipal chief of the cantonment area T B Russel (later it was named after him) came up with the plan to construct a market.

Fresh dates sold - Ramzan special

Construction of Russel Market began in 1927 and was inaugurated in 1933. The specialty of this market is that it was constructed with keeping in mind the religious tolerances of people; for it had separate entries for vegetables and fruits, meat products and groceries. Even for today, one can experience this by entering the market from different sides. While the front entrance greets you with the smell of fruits and vegetables, the meat and poultry entries on the other are hard to breathe at.

The deserted arena of Russel Market building's first floor

I gaze around the whole market and the freshness of fruits and vegetables amaze me. A wide variety of fruits and vegetables, Arabian dates and dry fruits, flowers are stalled. I couldn’t resist buying tapiocas after realizing how fresh they are. Being a vegetarian, I was forced away from the meat and poultry sections for obvious reasons, but I’m told by friends that Russel Market is one of the few places where one can find even the meat afresh. Chicken, duck meat, beef, pork, crabs and prawns are among the other varieties one can find in there. It is a one stop shop for all the meat buyers. The iftaari delicacies during Ramzan here are so awesome that your palate just doesn’t want to get rid of them!

Vegetables - As fresh as it gets

I start conversing with a few old merchants who still have shops in there and they opine that it was a lot better during olden days. They say that they miss the beautiful view of St. Mary’s Basilica and wide open space from its front entry. A few also talk about its calmness until late 70s and 80s and express blues of how choking and grimy the place has become. They also miss some old parts of the market building (tea house) which caught fire in 2012 due to a short circuit. But for most of them, no matter what course of changes they’ve witnessed, it’s about moving on because they do whatever they do in Russel Market, for living.

Fruitseller chacha - He does it for a living

I wish I could get deeper insights of this place, but unfortunately, there is not much recorded “authentic” information. I would recommend you to just pay a visit to Russel Market and its surroundings just to get that feel of old Bangalore. I’m sure it enlightens the many facets of old world charm in you. If you are the one who give more importance to the coffee than the cup, then you’ll unwarily enjoy shopping there.

The "always bustling" shivajinagar street

As I take one last sip of the flavorsome Sulaimani chai in front of Russel Market, as I take one last pic of its old tower, a thought hits me hard – I wish the phrase “Bangalore has changed” is just euphemistic. 

Tourist in my own city-1 : K R Market

“To learn photography, you need a landscape that is diversified with a compendium of the times gone by and the touch of sparkling freshness” said Anil and Abhi. The first thing and the only thing that came to my mind was– Namma Bengaluru.  My fascination for writing and my love for my city are now complemented with a DSLR in hand. As I try to get hold of the options in my camera, I’ll also present to you the places around Bangalore which has a story to be told. For now, I’m a tourist in my own city!

It is 6 in the morning. While every other city road is still getting up to its realms, K R market is already bustling with vehicles. There is a traffic jam here! I’m sure many of you are now wondering how I managed to walk the aisle even for a minute. “Ewwwww! Photo in K R Market?” said my wife. “Are you nuts?” said my mother. Yes, true. How unfortunate it is that we live in the despondent present. But my dear friend, everything has a past. Even K R Market!

K R Market, circa 1950s

Legends say that before it was named after Krishna Rajendra Wodeyar IV (also known as Nalvadi KrishnaRaja Wodeyar) as K R Market, the area was called Pete (means Emporium; a mart; a place of sale; as per Kittel’s Kannada-English dictionary).  The pete area is said to have been established around late 1530s by Kempegowda-1 after foreseeing the need for a common place for traders to sell their commodities, mainly flowers and vegetables. ^*1 And the commodities were bought from as far as the towns of Salem and Erode. As time progressed, the large pete area got drifted into smaller chunks called Bale-pete (Bangle market), Chikka pete (for textiles), Cubbon pete, Ganigara pete (for oil), akki-pete (for grains) and so many others.

Bangalore fort 1860s

The rush is so much that with much difficulty, I gain entry into the market. All the vendors are sipping their morning cup of tea amidst the diligent business. For a software engineer like me, it is surprising that in this bigbasket.com era, there are so many people buying things at the wee hours of a weekend. But Swamy, one of the fruit vendors tells me that they make very good business during this time. I cannot stop thinking if bigbasket guys buy stuff from here. Another green vegetable wholesaler Tayamma says that she sells all her commodities within 830 and gets back home. Looking at the number of buyers thronging in and the trade activities spilling over onto the streets of the K R Market, I’m pretty convinced about the freshness of the fruits and vegetables.

A vendor busy selling flowers inside Flower Market

There is also a flower market which sparkles with the insignia of colors. 67 year old flower vendor, Rajanna; who comes here to sell his home grown flowers all the way from Sira, a village which is 120km from Bangalore, tells me that he comes to K R Market thrice a week. In a day, he sells around a quintal of flowers and during festivals it goes up to 20-30 quintals a day, which include a wide variety of Mallige(Jasmine), Suryakanti (Sunflower), Roja (Rose), Sugandharaja (Tuberose) and Sevantige (Chrysanths). Another vendor Shaama takes pride when he says “There’ll be at least one type of flower purchased from us in every marriage that happens in Bangalore.

Rajanna, another flower vendor

Not just the market, the surrounding area has a lot of monuments that talk about the glorified existence of namma Bengaluru. Just a couple of 100 yards from the Market building, is the Kote (Fort), which was built by Kempegowda during mid-1500s and later modernized by Hyder Ali around 1760s. It is also said that this pete area was a war-zone during the third Anglo-Mysore war (1791 AD) when lord Cornwallis attacked it during midnight. As a proof, recently, Workers dug up a cannon weighing more than a ton belonging to Tippu Sultan era during Metro rail work in the K R Market area ^*4.  

Tippu's Palace - Front view

Kote Venkataramana Swamy temple which was built in 1689 AD ^*5, is one of the oldest lord venkateshwara temple of Karnataka.  During the same time, Tippu Sultan also built a palace, which is called Tippu Palace, is still erect. There is a mosque adjacent to the market building called Jamia Masjid which was built circa 1940s majorly with white marble. Post 1950, the commercial activity of K. R Market’s surroundings thrived; thanks to its proximity with the residential areas of old Bangalore, viz. Chamarajapete and Basavanagudi.  There were also a lot of theaters around this area, some of which are functioning even to this day and some are closed down.

Jamia Masjid, adjacent to Market building

The new market which was designed by Sri Lakshminarasappa on the model of Sir Stuart Hogg Market of Calcutta was opened on October 11, 1921. ^*2.  It has been close to a dozen of decades since this building is functioning. But it is visible that very less has been done to keep it in good shape. It is in ruins with water seeping from the top during rains.  The walls are shattered, platforms are uneven. They deserve better facilities and as always, the government has turned its blind eye after an armada of promises during the elections.

HMT tower clock, K R Market building entrance, from inside

I, Anil and Rahul meander enough around K R Market and come out to have a kadak chai. As we deliberate about its sustenance; the employment that it has offered to so many people; about its past, present and future, my image of it has changed.

For sure, K R Market does not have the loftiness of the best malls or the awe of most the eminent supermarkets in the city, but with this visit, I’ve realized that it is full of coveted things for the common man without which everyday life ceases to move on. Next time I pass it, I hope to forget the mires around and I’ll feel proud of the place which still has the ashes of the times gone by. At this moment, a quote is kindling in my mind that Plato once said about Greece!

This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are!

References:

*1 – Bangalore - The informal economy of the Historic Pete, Journal of the arts and heritage, UNESCO

*2 – History of Bangalore. K.R Market (Karnataka History)

*3 – Image – K R Market, circa 1950s. British Library

*4 - http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/workers-dig-up-tipu-era-cannon-metro-rail-work-bangalore/1/234644.html

*5 - The New Cambridge History of India, volume VI

Photo credits: Anil and Rahul, and of course me!

Bangalore auto driver’s license test questionnaire

Bangalore auto driver’s license test questionnaire

Time: 30 min                                                                                                   Max Marks: 10

General instructions:


All questions are compulsory.

.        All questions are of multiple choices. You should choose the correct answer.

.        Writing Dr. Rajkumar or Shankarnag is not considered an answer.

.        Marking the answers using paan or burning the option with beedi is not considered an answer.

.        Please park your vehicles outside. Entering the examination hall with your autos is prohibited

.       Which of the following is RIGHT turn

a)      ->

b)      -<

c)       Sometimes both

d)      Depends on my mood

.       How many wheels your auto has

a)      2

b)      3

c)       I don’t know. Front wheel is all I care

d)      Depends on my riding style

.       What is the appropriate hand signal to take a left turn

a)      Turn left indicator on, put your right hand out and rotate

b)      Turn any indicator on, and simply turn

c)       Turn right indicator and turn left

d)      Don’t give any hints. Turn left suddenly and surprise other motorists

.       What is the right thing to do when signal turns from RED to GREEN

a)      Wait for other vehicles to move and proceed

b)      Honk, honk and honk until you are satisfied

c)       Try starting your rick for umpteenth time

d)      Move on whatever the color signal is

.       What is the most appropriate action when an ambulance is passing

a)      Give way for ambulance

b)      Chase ambulance so that you too can reach faster

c)       Block the ambulance’s way and see if the person dies

d)      Pick a fight with anyone you see

.       Which of the statements is correct

a)      Auto should have proper meter

b)      Auto driver should have proper meter

c)       If I quote a price, meter doesn't matter

d)      Always quote one and half on meter

.       What should you do when people ask you to drive to a particular place

a)      Say whatever number comes to your mind and ask if the commuter is ready to pay that amount

b)      Say No. Ask him if he is willing to come to whichever area you are going.

c)       No matter what he says, pick up a fight so that you can time pass

d)      Say Yes and take them to another place instead.. And argue that this the place the commuter said

.       Which of the following is mandatory inside an auto

a)      Digital distance Meter & Driver License display

b)      Stereo system installed by Chilling Murthy with 300 to 400dB output

c)       Most awkward song collection ever

d)      Fluorescent colored interiors

.       Which of the following should be mandatorily produced when asked by a police

a)      RC Book, DL, Insurance and Emission test certificate

b)      Dagger, swords, Knife and blades

c)       A 100 Rs note

d)      Beg for life because I have nothing

.   Being a public servant, which of the following is your collective responsibility

a)      Misbehaving with every women commuter you come across

b)      Creating chaos with other auto drivers anywhere and everywhere

c)       Helping the citizens in whatever way you could by sparing them

d)      Meter tampering, drink and drive, pollution and rash driving

A certain south Indian wedding preparation

In India, being South Indian is not as easy as “Being Human”. I don’t even have to talk about opulence associated with Indian marriages. There may be more than 100 major ishtyles and dialects of Indian wedding. Some are very prolific and some are very straight and simple. Things have changed; the place; the food, the way we invite family and friends (thanks to technology) and so on! Or does it just look so? I’m still confused. I guess there are no set answers for this. But what has not changed for sure is the epitome of “arranged” marriage in South India.

Prologue: After my 10 uncles and 27 aunts (your mausi ki saas ke devar ki biwi is also a potential match maker in south India) pressurized me in every goddamn meet to send a “good looking” (good looking south Indians do exist in real and we are in plenty) picture of mine to them, I had to succumb! Next, I had to change my mindset from M for MBA to M for Marriage. The transition from CAT (Common Admission Test) to scapegoat is really hard to digest. Thanks to mom and dad’s “why it’s not a bad idea to marry @ 27” brainwashing sessions. And then, there’s peer pressure too. “Your best friend Sandeep ki shaadi ho gayi. Smita ki bhi. And my colleague’s son Ajay is married with a kid. He’s still 25”.

Somehow my profile got uploaded in our community matrimony. Hold on! I too was assuming that it’s going to be some online matrimony site. My mom was like ‘do you think we are so deviated from the Brahmin ethos. You may be a software engineer; but I won’t allow any software to choose a bahu for my home’.

I won’t get into the details of the visiting the matrimony office and taking notes of the prospective bahus and my interview with them and their family. It’s too hilarious to be discussed here. Fortunately, not after too many interviews, I met this pretty gal, liked her, said YES, got engaged to her and I thought everything is over! Alas! I was wrong. The real challenges of a South Indian wedding surface only with the onset of marriage preparation.

The selected ones are folded and stacked!

Saree: Trust me, you’ve no idea what kind of opulence is associated with it. Unlike Christian and north Indian weddings, where the haute couture is diversified from Salwars to Ghagras and from Gowns to skirts, in a south Indian wedding, it’s just Saree.. Silk Saree. The bride, her mom, your mom, all your aunts, all her aunts, your granny, her granny, their daughters, sisters and even kaamwali bais (not kidding) will shoot your mouth off with the money spent on the sarees. Their exuberance will puzzle you to an extent where you’ll start believing that dress code in Ekta Kapoor’s serials is actually real. If at all there is one Indian brand can counter the Versaces and Armanis, it is ungal Kancheepuram Silk saree.

Silk sarees piled up in a heap!

Considering that the sex ratio in south India is a good 997/1000, and with women population of 100 million, even if 50 million arranged marriages happen: 25 million Rs INR is spent on just silk sarees in South India every year! Can you imagine how rich we are? If you’re a south Indian, fall in love with your north Indian colleague or love thy neighbor and elope. In an arranged marriage, silk saree is a hundred thousand rupee affair!

Gyan: Stereotyping reach new heights with you getting married. Everyone will have something to say about you getting married (Or I just feel so). The “senior citizen gyan yojna” of your family will be of no use, although some uncles and aunts may just keep quiet or give realistic insight which you may feel will help. Some will ask you questions which will confuse you whether to laugh or cry.

                By family members:

•      You’ve become so lean. Tension mat lo beta! (Why are YOU getting tensed about MY weight, aunty)
•      I feel you’re still a school going kid. Time flies no (Signs of Alzheimer’s, uncle)
•      It’s on Feb 20^th? Should’ve been Feb 14^th (Waah uncle.. aap to dude nikle)

By friends:

• Mujhe pata tha tumhara jaldi fix ho jayega. South Indian hokar bhi tum fair complexion ke ho (No comments)
• You’re gonna make us eat on banana leaf? (You can eat on the floor also, bro)
• Marriage is for three days…?? What will you do? (First two days batting and I’ll declare for third day)
• Arranged Marriage? **wry smile**.. Don’t lie! (Well, I really don’t have Erich Segal Love Story type of incidents in my life)
• If you invite 500 people, 2500 people will ask you “where are you going for honeymoon”

Listening to all of such nonsense shit and keeping your mouth shut is a real challenge.

A South Indian Bride (from Kerala)

Gold: Everybody says old is gold. But paradoxically, when it comes to actual gold, nobody is satisfied with old gold ornaments. The Bride and Groom’s mother would have stacked gold in every possible occasion for future marriages; we still have to buy new gold. This is crazy! I don’t understand. My mom says it’s a question of pride. My uncle lambasts Raghuram Rajan and Subbarao for not being able to control inflation, but continues to stack gold for daughter’s marriage. This gold affiliation will rid you of all the savings that you’ve done so far. So just don’t think too much. You can’t do anything. I’m only relieved with the fact that unlike some Keralites (no offense), we still talk about gold in terms of grams and not kilograms!! **sigh**

Epilogue:

The big day is just around the corner. Now I’ve clearly understood the essence of long lasting Indian marriages ;). I’m thrilled and tensed both at the same time. Thrilled because of one thousand obvious reasons and tensed because… Boss, I’m a south Indian!

P.S: I just completed writing this piece and someone dedicated the song  “Yeh Galiya yeh chaubara.. yahaa aana na dobaara…” on fm radio