Diwali special: Indi YEAH shining

It’s time to celebrate and rejoice in India. After all the fiascos that gripped the nation, including the national loss of collective shit on facebook about Steve Jobs’ death, finally the gods of lights have indeed showered some light on us. I’ve got the feeling of ‘its good to be great’. 

The SMART act: For the first time or rather after long time (whichever comes only one time) our cops have acted before it is too late to avert a disaster. Delhi Police have seized 5 kg of RDX before they went in wrong hands. If you know what tremors a whoopingly fucking 5kg of RDX can trigger, you’ll fathom the intensity and importance of it. This time, as a diwali gift, Delhi police just got some luck.

Bangalore Metro: Finally Bangalore is a “Metro” politan city. The reach one of Namma Metro is thrown open to public, in ishtyle. And the news from the Indiranagar is that it is awesome. BMRCL is grinning. After spending 6000 crore, BMRCL was skeptical whether it would fetch a smile on 6000 Ulsoor residents. And whether Yeddi missed the Metro or Metro missed Yeddi, only time will tell.

Yeddi in Jail: For all the developmental works he did for his family, oops I mean Karnataka (for him, his family is state), he was treated with due respect by the court; Bailing out everyone except him. Yeddi’s mindset was like Lance Armstrong thinking if he could win Tour De France, he could win f1 on is cycle. But this Diwali, he ran out of his stock of luck. Well, R.Ashok is all alone outside and hopefully, as a Diwali gift by namma lokayukta police, BSY will have a companion. He was only happy to come back to jail from Hospital. Damn his Astro palmist. After all, if Kalmadi can get Dementia in Jail for 70,000 crore, If Telgi can contact AIDS worth 36000 crore, Docs think Yeddi’s chest pain was worth every penny. 

CBI’s almost close to making Raja and Kanimozhi’s current place, a permanent one. Telangana strike has ended for good. India taking a fantastic revenge on Englishmen, My Company surprised me with a festive bonus and what else you need. It’s Indi YEAH shining..!!!

Oops.. I just realized, since its Diwali, I’m afraid I can’t say “Have a BLAST”. Enjoy the good days :o)

ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ hosur road ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು

ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ ನಮ್ಮಾ ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು

Hosur road traffic ಗೆ ಇಲ್ಲ ಮುಲಾಮು

Elevated expressway ಗೆ ದೊಡ್ಡ ಸಲಾಮು  

ಈ ಹೊಗೆ ಕುಡಿತಿದ್ರೆ cancer ಖಾಯಮ್ಮು

ಎಲ್ಲೇ ಇದ್ರೂನು ನೀವ್, ಹೆಂಗೆ ಇದ್ರೂನು

ಬೊಮ್ಮನ ಹಳ್ಳಿಲಾದ್ರು ಹಾಡ್ರಿ ನಮ್ಮ poemmu

|| ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ ನಮ್ಮಾ ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು… Hosur road traffic ಗೆ ಇಲ್ಲ ಮುಲಾಮು ||

ತುಂಬಾ ಸಣ್ಣ ರೋಡು ಅಂತ ಅನ್ಕೊಂಡಿದ್ದೆ ನಾನು… 2000 ಅಲ್ಲಿ

Infosys placement ಆಯ್ತು. Project ಸಿಕ್ತು Electronic city ನಲ್ಲಿ
ಯಾಕೋ ಏನೋ ಯೆಡಿಯೂರಪ್ಪ road ಅಗಿಯೋದ್ ಕಲ್ತ್ ಬಿಟ್ಟವ್ನೆ  
ಹುಡ್ಗೀರ್ ಜೊತೆ bikeನಲ್ ಬಂದ್ರೆ. Police ಮಾಮ ನಿಂತ್ಕೊಂಡ್ ಅವ್ನೆ
ನಾನು ವೈಶಾಲಿ ಗೆ office drop ಮಾಡಕ್ ಆಗ್ಲಿಲ್ಲ
ಆಕೆ ನನ್ ಬಿಟ್ಟು ನನ್ managerನೆ ಕಟ್ಕೊಂಡ್ ಬಿಟ್ಟಳಲ್ಲ

|| ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ hosur road ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು… ವೈಶಾಲಿ ನೀ ಯಾಕೆ ಹತ್ತಿದೆ, 356Mಉ ||

ಶೀಲಾ ಸಿಕ್ಲು silk board ಅಲ್ಲಿ… speed petrol ಹಾಕಿಸಿಕೊಂಡು expressway ಹತ್ತಿದ್ವಿ

Pulsarನಲ್ಲಿ ಇಬ್ರು.. ಒಬ್ರೇ ಕುಂತ ಹಾಗೆ ಕುಂತು ಓಡಾಡ್ಕೊಂಡ್ ಇದ್ವಿ
Wi-Fiನಲ್ಲಿ ಅವಳ ಜೊತೆ chat ಮಾಡಿದ ಕನಸು ಬಿತ್ತು
Midnightalli ಹೊಸ ರೋಡು ನಮ್ಮಿಬ್ರನ್ನ ನೋಡ್ತಾ ಇತ್ತು
Work from home ನೆತ್ತಿಗೆ ಹತ್ತಿ, ನಾನು ಮರೆತೇ office ಮೆಟ್ಲು
ಆದ್ರೆ ಒಂದು ದಿವಸ ಶೀಲಾ ಸೀದಾ ಬಂದು ಮದುವೆ card ಕೊಟ್ಲು

|| ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ ಎಲ್ಲರದು same problemmu.. Lords Plazaಗೆ ಹೋಗಿ ಬಿಟ್ಕೊಂಡೆ rummu ||

Officeಗೆ ಅಂತಾ ಒಮ್ಮೆ shuttle catch ಮಾಡಕ್ಕೆ ನಾನು stopಗೆ ಹೋದೆ

ನನ್ನ ಪಕ್ಕ ಕುಂತ್ಕೊಂಡೋಳಿಗೆ ತುಟಿ ಪಕ್ಕ ಮಚ್ಚೆ ಇತ್ತು.. ಹೆಸರು ಹೇಳಲಾರೆ
Sudden breaku ಸಾಕು ನಂಗೆ, ಬೀಳೋದಕ್ಕೆ love ನಲ್ಲಿ
ಅಮೇಲ್ ಏನು ಆಯ್ತು ಅಂತ.. ನಿಮಗೆ ನಾನು ಹೇಗೆ ಹೇಳಲಿ
ಅವ್ಳು ನನ್ನ ಹಳೆ project team leader ಆಗಿದ್ಲು ಕಣ್ರೀ
Rating ಕೊಟ್ಟ ಅವಳ ಮುಂದೆ ನಾನು ಬಚ್ಚಾ ಆಗೋದೇ ಕಣ್ರೀ

|| ಯಾರಿಗ್ ಹೇಳಣಾ ನಮ್ಮಾ next ಪ್ರಾಬ್ಲೆಮ್ಮು… ನನ್ನ flashbackಏ ಒಂದು chewing gummu ||

ಈ ಬ್ಲಾಗ್ ಪೋಸ್ಟ್ ಕೇವಲ ಮನೋರಂಜನೆಗಾಗಿ ಮಾತ್ರ. ಯಾವುದೇ ಘಟನೆ, ವ್ಯಕ್ತಿ ಅಥವ ಅವರ ಕೆಲಸಗಳನ್ನು ಅವಲಂಬಿಸಿರುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಹಾಗೇನಾದರೂ ಇದ್ದಲ್ಲಿ ಅದು ಕಾಕತಾಳೀಯವಷ್ಟೇ.

ಚಿತ್ರ ಕೃಪೆ: pawantheactor.com

Woo-men

 

This is neither gender biasing nor trying to prove that male genes are supreme.  I’m not even debating about equality of women. But I’m wondering, how effectively young Indian women of today are making the best use of their freedom. I agree, you have studied abroad, you are earning 6 digit salaries, and you deserve better comforts, better lifestyle, luxury and blah, blah... Fair enough. Your hobbies and best practices are expensive, quite okay too. That’s your money, your lifestyle. But what you’ve failed to take notice of is that, with most of your hobbies and best practices, you exude not opulence, but sheer stupidity. Here is how.

Driving: Do you have the faintest idea of how many drivers and riders are sinned everyday? Because they just can’t stop themselves from saying ‘Teri maa ki’ and ‘nin a**an’, It instinctively comes out of our mouth after being petrified by your amazing traffic sense. After creating so much chaos on road, you expect sympathy from people. How can you? Getting a 40lakh Merc with your money isn’t enough, knowing how to drive, where/how to park also makes sense. Forget your driving sense and use your common sense to hire a driver and save lives. There are some things in life money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s common sense.

Fish Spa: Ever heard of it? This wonderful therapy does nothing but use fish to take the dirt off your feet. This is how it works. You’ll dip your fish food soaked feet in a pool of fishes which will eat off the shit glued onto your feet. And you happily pay 1000 bucks to get your feet cleaned. 1000 bucks to get your foot cleaned? What about the shit in your brains, that’s making you do all these?

Slut Walk: Delhi boys need an attitude change, I agree. But really, what on earth makes women think that a Slut walk can change the way Delhi boys look at them. This is heights of a failed attempt by women to establish first and second wave feminism in India. Sorry to say this. But Gynocentric society is still a distant dream in a country like India. Such slut walks with great women like ‘Poonam Pandey’ in lead will have no Buddha effect on men’s brain. Instead it will worsen your own image. And for India’s sake, stop considering Brinda Carat, Arundathi Roy and Shobaa De as saviors of womanhood.

Dressing: Quintessential slogans like “Change your mindset and not your clothes” look good only on your tees and face book status. We all know that the see through quotient of your dress is directly proportional to its price. And obviously you want to flaunt it. But what I’m truly not able to fathom is the necessity of young girls to show off their curves and voluptuous assets inside temples. Worst, parents encourage it. It would disturb even god. No matter where you are and what you are, you invite trouble, only trouble and more trouble by dressing provocatively. And you expect every man to be a gentle man.?? Phew..!!! It’s like expecting a wolf not to kill you just because you are a veggie.  You wear what you like. Show off what you want to. But all it takes is a pinch of commonsense to decide where to wear, what.

Women have the flair for making money. You deserve it too. But that’s quite not enough. Without the flair for effectively using the money you’ve made, you’ll make a fool out of yourself. As Mumbai girls’ gear up for the “Besharmi morcha”, just 2000 km away in the Middle East desert, Women are contented, that they have been given rights to vote from 2015. Sigh.!!!

Image courtesy: ibnlive and automotivehorizon.

The wedlock and the deadlock

Yahoo! I’m back in the city. The best thing that can ever happen to any Bangalorean is coming back to namma city from any part of Tamil Nadu. Frankly, Till now, I haven’t seen a Hindi speaking Madras-e. Keeping that aside and coming to the point, this time, I am very happy. It’s festive season in my friends' circle. All guys are losing their bachelors and girls, gaining their masters. Yes! All the buddy maklu’s in my gang are getting into conjugal bliss. And my worst fears have always come true. So I’m pretty sure this will happen to me sometime in the (near) future. But for now, I’m more than happy to see my friends crossing the quarter life crisis barrier (didn’t know this even existed, until one of my friend told me about it) happily and entering the zone of “You can’t envisage what”.

Although I couldn’t find anyone, this marriage gave me a great insight into marriages. At the same time, Khamba wrote about Relationship Limbos. Co incidence..??

You can LYAO, ROFL and LOL at it. But, if a bunch of IT guys are in the bachelor’s party this is what we end up discussing: It starts with Windows 8 developer beta and Steve Jobs stepping down as CEO and future of Apple. After sometime, it diverts collectively to marriage. Like this:

1.     Marriage is not like your Application Development projects to code, test, deploy and forget. It’s rather an Application Maintenance project contracted for a lifetime.

2.     It involves Incidents, Requests and Problems to solve.

3.     You must know your error codes before executing your query.

4.     You have to impress your clients, no matter how annoying they are (Told by the groom himself :)

5.     Emergency fixes, backing out codes and performance tuning have to be done often to prevent it from abending (abnormal ending).

 

There was whole lot of other things we did. But owing to the great whether and the hopeless party materials you get in Chennai, this is all I could remember. But still, the bachelor’s party was ecstatic (Stop imagining :-)

 

I had never observed a marriage this closely. I was amazed at the energy levels of all the relatives and friends. With so much enthusiasm, they do all the things. But I’ve no idea why the hell do they forget the Groom. I felt really sorry for him. It is fun going to a marriage. But getting married… OMG!  Not easy. No, No, No, No. not at all. And these are some of the bizarre and weird things I observed in the marriage. Read carefully. (Might help you also;-)

1.     Marriage is definitely not “He tried, she smiled and the baby cried” story.

2.     Never believe in Chetan Bhagat’s collective piece of shit on marriages– 2 States: The story of my marriage. Its more fictitious than he himself could possibly imagine.

3. If you think, your boss is more commanding, just wait for your marriage photographer.

4. Like ‘No break’ movies on Star Gold, you will have to fake a smile, for 2 days without break. Practice it.

5. If you can’t see your hard earned money being spent extravagantly and bountifully, eloping with your girlfriend would be the best option. Consequences at your own risk.

6. The dhoti you wear will make you more uncomfortable than your entire dehydration affliction put together. Please take necessary precautions.

7. If beautiful babes are not expected, inform your buddies, beforehand (We expect this!)

8. You’ll most certainly develop a hatred for music if there is any orchestra arranged for the evening.

9. If you are getting married in Chennai, for Amma’s sake

                        a) Book an air conditioned convention hall. Else, chances are that all women in the marriage hall will turn black and white. (with their actual color and make up washed out with sweat).

                        b) Along with invite, give a Kannada to Tamil Rapidex speaking course book.

                        c) Order catering from Saravana Bhavan (That’s the ONLY hotel in Chennai where humans can eat).

10. Put an end to your thinking that Career, Money and Fun are all 3 things that sums up for your happy living.

11. And above all and beyond everything,

Make sure you understand the 4^th Dimension, perhaps the most important of all values– “Relationship” 

“YOUR” value in “OUR” country

The phrase “History repeats” holds very well in India. Ironically, an incident, even before becoming history, repeats in India. Blasts, scams, train accidents, air crash, everything! That too not just once or twice, but several times. Yes…!!! Fate in India seems to have a disclaimer “To be continued…”

Ambulance in traffic jams:  This is almost everyday sight to me. The “who cares” attitude of our fellow motorists has reached heights. When there is an ambulance stuck in traffic, everyone starts honking so loudly, as if they’re concerned and worried, but no one moves. The honking decibel gain is so much (I know you’re one of the honkers) that the siren goes unheard. No one moves thinking it’s just the motorists composing some tunes. End result – The ambulance becomes the Vaikunta Yatra vehicle. And you, the traffic cop..?? I know you’ve bribed to get this job. But at least when someone’s life is at stake, shut the fuck up and do your duty. How easily you zoom through the traffic while dropping off your loved ones to their destination on the pulsar given to you. Make some way for the ambulance also. Or did they ask you a lakh more to train you on how to stop vehicles?

Train accidents:  Like in a Hollywood flick, trains keep on ramming each other, that too, head on. And people sleeping inside are put to sleep forever. I can bet you the frequency of train accidents in India is more than Siddharth Mallya brushing his teeth. This, I say, is the result of hiring all the local bastards who can’t even speak the national language. You say Teri Maa and they’ll hear it teriyuma: Talking to a TC in any of the Chennai-Bangalore train is nothing less than a trauma. Thanks to the “great” reservations in Indian railway jobs. What happened yesterday night is the 3^rd major rail mishap in past 2 months. But which fucking railway minister has taken measures to learn from mistakes? “One of the World’s largest railway network”, “World’s largest Employer” with a rich “150 years of experience”, Indian Railways does not have simple technology in place to stop two trains when they run on the same track. This, if I’m not wrong, is a simple high school science project. And Congress talks of austerity and Rahul Gandhi travels in Jan Shatabdi. What a political game show..??

Bomb Blasts: I really don’t have to tell you anything about this. Mall, train, Market and now in high court also…!! Where else is aam aadmi safe? I remember Naseeruddin Shah’s dialog in a famous movie. “Rathore sahab mujhe yakin hai ki jo train blast huye wo sirf ek terrorist activity nahi thi, wo ek bahut bada saawal tha, aur wo sawaal ye tha ki “Bhai hum to tumhe isi tarah marenge, tum kya kar loge??”  Yes, they asked us this Question on a Friday and repeated it on Tuesday”. But unfortunately, we are still waiting to reply on a Wednesday..!!! What has Mr. P Chidambaram done, every time a bomb blast occurred, other than giving death statistics to media? 11/7, 26/11, 13/7, 7/9… The list is going on and on and on. How many more of these dates do we need to remember..?? While our leaders are so occupied creating a scam out of soldier’s bulletproof jackets, Kasab, Afzal Guru and many others are partying hard in prison. Murugan grabbed the free fuck offer from visiting wife Nalini. (Onam gift from congress?) Raja, Kanimozhi, Kalmadi and Janardhana Reddy are practicing the group song “Main karun to saala, character dheela hai” to perform in the Gandhi Jayanti celebrations. Wow! I think the movie ‘A Wednesday’ would have made more or rather perfect sense if there were these people in place of terrorists. 

With all these happenings, what do you think is the “value” of your life, in India? Well, if you’re counting your assets and bank balance sheets, I’m really sorry. Tragically, it’s nothing more than a death compensation ranging from 50,000 to a lakh (Hoping that middle men don’t pocket in at least this). Because you never know when and where you’ll run out of luck. It makes me sad to say that “Life” has such cheap value in this great country.  

After all, what difference does it make to them, if a mere 100 is lessened in the midst of a billion people?

ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು

ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು 

ಮೆಟ್ಟಿ ದರೆ IT ಮಣ್ಣ ಮೆಟ್ಟಬೇಕು 

ಬದುಕಿದು ಜಟಕಾ ಬಂಡಿ 

ಇದು ನಾವ್ ತೋಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರೋ ಗುಂಡಿ

ಬದುಕಿದು ಜಟಕಾ ಬಂಡಿ 

ಇದು ನಾವ್ ತೋಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರೋ ಗುಂಡಿ

||  ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ||

C # ನಲ್ ಕೋಡಿಂಗ್ ಮಾಡು

QTP ಲ್ ಟೆಸ್ಟಿಂಗ್ ಮಾಡು

ಡೆಡ್ ಲೈನು ಬಂತು ಅಂದ್ರೆ

ಸಿಕ್ ಲೀವು ಹಾಕಿ ಓಡು.

ಆನ್ ಸೈಟು, US UK

ಬಾಳಲ್ಲಿ ಒಮ್ಮೆ ನೋಡು

ಡಾಲರು ಪೌಂಡ್ ಜೊತೆ

ರುಪಾಯಿ ನ ತೂಕ ಮಾಡು

ಕೋಡ್ ಮಾಡಕ್ ಕೋಟಿ ಭಾಷೆ

ಮರ್ತ್ ಹೋಯ್ತು ಕನ್ನಡ ಭಾಷೆ 

ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷೇ, ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷೇ... ಎಲ್ಲೆಲ್ಲೂ ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷೇ

||  ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ||

ಡೇಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ಭೂಮಿ ಇದು

ಔಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ಸ್ವರ್ಗ ಇದು

ಮೇಕ್ ಅಪ್ ಗೆ ಶಾಲೆ ಇದು

ಬ್ರೇಕ್ ಅಪ್  ಗೆ ಪೀಠ ಇದು.

ಮೀಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ಕಲ್ಪ ಇದು

ರೇಟಿಂಗ್ ಗೆ ತಲ್ಪ ಇದು

Traffic Jam ಗೋಳು ಇದು

ನೆಮ್ಮದಿನೆ ಹಾಳು ಇದು

Microsoft, Apple ನಿಂದ,

Infosys, Wipro ಇಂದ

ಕನ್ನಡ ಕನ್ನಡ.. ಹಾಳಾಯ್ತು ನಮ್ ಕನ್ನಡ..

||  ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ||

Defect ನ ಬೆನ್ನು ಹತ್ತಿ

Infinite loopu ಸುತ್ತಿ

Fix ಅನ್ನು ಕೊಟ್ಟ ಮೇಲೂ

Email e ನಮಗೆ ಮೇಲು.

NRN ಕಂಡ ನಮಗೆ

Bill Gates ಯಾಕೆ ಬೇಕು

Premji ನ ಕಂಡ ನಮಗೆ

Steve Jobs ಯಾಕೆ ಬೇಕು

ಮುಂದಿನ ನನ್ನ ಜನುಮ code ಮಾಡಿದಂತೆ ಬ್ರಹ್ಮ

ಇಲ್ಲಿಯೇ ಇಲ್ಲಿಯೇ..

ಎಂದೆಂದಿಗೂ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿಯೇ...!!!!

|| ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಬೆಂಗಳೂರಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು, ಮೆಟ್ಟಿ ದರೆ IT ಮಣ್ಣ ಮೆಟ್ಟಬೇಕು..

ಬದುಕಿದು ಜಟಕಾ ಬಂಡಿ, ಇದು ನಾವ್ ತೋಡ್ಕೊಂಡಿರೋ ಗುಂಡಿ ||

 ಈ ಬ್ಲಾಗ್ ಪೋಸ್ಟ್ ಕೇವಲ ಮನೋರಂಜನೆಗಾಗಿ ಮಾತ್ರ. ಯಾವುದೇ ಘಟನೆ, ವ್ಯಕ್ತಿ ಅಥವ ಅವರ ಕೆಲಸಗಳನ್ನು ಅವಲಂಬಿಸಿರುವುದಿಲ್ಲ.   ಹಾಗೇನಾದರೂ ಇದ್ದಲ್ಲಿ ಅದು ಕಾಕತಾಳೀಯವಷ್ಟೇ. ಹುಟ್ಟಿದರೆ ಕನ್ನಡ ನಾಡಲ್ಲಿ ಹುಟ್ಟಬೇಕು ಈ ಮಧುರ ಹಾಡನ್ನು ಬರೆದ ಹಂಸಲೇಖ ರವರಿಗೂ ಅದನ್ನು ಹಾಡಿದ ಡಾ|| ರಾಜ್ ರವರಿಗೂ ನನ್ನ ಹೃದಯಪೂರ್ವಕ ನಮನಗಳು.

ಚಿತ್ರ ಕೃಪೆ: ಗೂಗಲ್.ಕಾಮ್