An open letter to Anna Hazare

Dear Annaji,

I was really pleased to see this post of my friend on facebook.  “Thanks to Anna.. Indian media has not taken notice of the whitewash”. If Indian MEDIA has accepted that there is something more important than Cricket, then I just couldn’t fathom the Impact! Perhaps, no Indian could. Hats off to you, Annaji .!!! You have done what none of Amma, Appa or Akka could do in past 50+ years... Bringing us together. Take a bow.

For a blasphemous political party who singlehandedly ruled the nation for 50 years, you’ve single handedly taught them a lesson. I’m very proud of the fact that after ages, you’ve made them bite their nails. I’m even more proud to say that, some of them, panic stricken after reading your version of Jan lokpal, bit their fingers in anxiety. For a party that has Price Rise, terrorism and scams in their agenda, you’ve made them realize that a common man is always mightier than a congress man.

And who has cast the magic spell of “Protest” in our people..??? Who has helped us realize our true resilience..??? From Ramlila maidan to Azad maidan, Freedom Park to JP Park, grounds to gullies, mails to messages… anywhere and everywhere, the support you got was just momentous and you deserved it. We appreciate it wholeheartedly. I feel that we, Indians (feeling contented to use this word on this instance) exhibited the meaning of unity in all the possible way. Indian youth now seem to understand that there is more than just ‘I’ in Indian. From the past 2-3 days, I’m pretty convinced that we are ONE small nation of JUST a billion people. I salute you.

But what makes me sad is that, while prominent leaders like Kiran Bedi, Shanti and Prashant Bhushan, Santosh Hegde and lot of others are working for a cause, there are some anti social elements like Arundathi Roy, Mahesh Bhatt, some brainless Dalit leaders and stupid maulvis, who are campaigning against your ‘crusade against corruption’. I’m not sure if they even have the faintest idea of what team Anna is fighting for.  May be they want to get noticed or trying to seek attention and become a celebrity overnight (Arundathi Roy has tried it every time, but failed miserably). To hell with those dumb witted opportunists. I guess Public is taking care of them giving them what they deserve. All the masterminds who’ve been altering all the anti corruption bills according to their necessities and requirements are now shitting in their pants, because your Jan lokpal bill has no flaw in the law.

While the Nation is seeing a Gandhi in you, what the corrupted netas see in you is a Yamraj who they can’t even bribe. You keep uniting all of us. We are all thankful to you and every true Indian is proud of you. Take care of your health. On behalf of a billion Indians, I wish you all the very best for your… oops... . our endeavor. Let the bill change from Jokepal to Lokpal.

“Lage Raho Anna Bhai”

PS: Amidst all these, one thing I really feel bad is that the “WALL” Dravid’s excellent performance going unnoticed. I really feel sad for him. But I’m sure he’s optimistic enough to understand what is more important.

(Image credit: Google and Ganguly Reddy)

The way of Life called “Week-end”

week•end (w-k-nd' )

noun

The end of the week, especially the period from Friday evening through Sunday evening.

This is the dictionary meaning of the word ‘week-end’. But for how many of us it’s just this..?? In the corporate world, week-end is not just the end of week. It’s rejuvenation time, time for a long ride, time to read newspaper, it’s time to go home, time to talk to your own family, time to get a haircut, time to attend CAT/GMAT coaching classes, time to play, sleep, shop, have sex and what not..?? To put it simply, weekend, for most of us, has become a way of life.

The corporate weekend theorem states that “The expression on software engineer’s face on a Monday morning and a Friday evening is never identical”. Monday through Friday, we think of the weekend, dream of it and wait for it. When it actually arrives, we start thinking of Monday’s work and spoil it. I’ve seen my friends switching off their mobile phones over the weekend just because of the fear of receiving a call from their managers. Once I myself bluffed my boss about a weekend outing plan to avoid Sunday work and spent the entire weekend in trepidation of being spotted by colleagues.

Initially, I used to find it really funny when my friends at workplace said “Happy Weekend”. Oh dear lord.. Happy Weekend..??? It sounded weird. But now, things have changed and I’m a part of the system. The “Happy weekend” robotically comes out of my mouth on a Friday evening, with a one hundred percent fake, moron smile on my face. But somewhere deep inside, it makes me sad to think of the fact that I’m no more a fun loving guy who had the endearing flair for mimicry and a cracking sense of humor to make people laugh. Today, I’m just a decaying corporate employee marooned in the mediocrity, slogging in office as well as traffic jams for hours together.

What a paradox. Have you ever wondered why a Government employee never wishes their colleagues a ‘Happy Week-end? We’re so much accustomed and habituated to reach deadline (I hate this ‘holy word’) that we forget everything that was supposed to be done on a weekday; we keep everything for the weekend. Almost everything. Well, I don’t want to talk about how to get rid of your intellectual rubbish, how to spend more time with your family and such nonsense crap. Just open your mailbox and you’ll find 100s of such shitty lectures over there.

But just think of it. When we retire and look through our life’s rear view mirrors, nobody will recall how many lines you’ve coded in a project or how many bugs you have found in a release. You are remembered for the silly things you did, a stupid PJ that you cracked or a team outing that was fun filled. So just stop being a workaholic and think of a way to laugh and make others laugh too.

By the way, my company has declared a holiday on Monday too. So I’m freed from this week’s installment of Monday blues. I wish you all, a loooooong, Happy, happy weekend…!!!!

P.S: This post is an outcome of getting choked in my office shuttle, on a Friday evening, in the middle of a 2 hour long traffic jam and my friend who couldn’t bear it, got out and said HAPPY WEEKEND..!!!

Spare the footpath please..

No issues at office. No traffic jams on my way back. Wow..!!! I had a good day. Or I thought so. As I got down from the bus and started walking back home, I heard someone honking and abusing me to give me way. I turned and it was a two wheeler rider. I told him that this is footpath. He started arguing with me. He asked me “is there any rule that says we can’t ride on footpath”. Well, that’s it. My adrenaline went so high that I wanted to lift the bike along with him and throw it as far as I could, some superhero way. But I could only yell and scream at him. Lucky him. And the good day that I thought of just a few minutes ago, was out of my mind.

Sadly, Bangalore is full of such great, thoughtful riders and drivers with an incredible traffic sense..!! People are killed on roads by the award winning, licensed to kill BMTC drivers. Any accident in Bangalore, an auto driver, for sure is directly/indirectly involved. F1 drivers turned call center cab drivers, 24/7 panic stricken female drivers… with all these people around, road safety has no meaning in Bangalore.

 BDA is doing a great job by widening the roads. They just forget to restore the footpath after widening is done. Forget road safety. It is out of question. If at all there is footpath in Bangalore, which in itself is a great thing (Thanks to BWSSB, BSNL, and KPTCL for the work they do). If at all there is a footpath, this is what you’ll find on it.

a) Roadside canteens

b) Paan shops
c) Self proclaimed smoking zones

d) Innerwear and pirated novel vendors

e) Bus shelters
f) Cars parked

And now, two wheelers in action. Pedestrians are horrified, walking with their heart in their mouth.

No wonder Bangalore is growing beyond imaginations. Phew…!!! Who could imagine vehicles on footpath elsewhere in the world..?? According to a survey by Secon Pvt. ltd., Bangalore’s Accident Severity Index (number of fatalities per 100 accidents) is 11.85 with 4500+ legal traffic violations everyday!

Our traffic cops are too busy blocking the roads and making the way for our politicians, accepting 100 bucks from every fellow motorist for the services they offer, great job. Take a bow traffic cops..!!! B-TRAC, a whopping 350 crore project (I’m wondering if they spent all money on just B-TRAC signboards) couldn’t provide enough roads for two wheelers that they’ve started using pedestrian footpaths.

Coming to you, dear rider, what the hell is wrong with you..??? Countryside dumb fucking shit head moron.. How can you ride on footpath? For god’s sake. IT IS FOOTPATH. F.O.O.T.P.A.T.H. How much time do you think you can save by taking footpath? 10 seconds, 30 seconds… a minute..??? On road, you do what you want. Wheeling, wheel spin, honk, Knock, park, pee, fuck, suck…. Whatever you want to. At least leave the footpath for pedestrians alone. Instead of hospital or graveyard, let them reach home.

The aftermath of Namma Metro

Some are delighted, some are cursing and others like me and you are plainly watching it. What more can we do? By the way, I’m talking about Namma Metro work that is going on almost everywhere in the city. Yeddi is cursing BMRCL for postponing the inauguration of phase 1 more than 3 times. Please excuse him. He was unaware that Metro needs safety clearances and approvals. He probably might have imagined the inauguration to be just like waving off those new Volvo buses in front of Vidhana Soudha. Damn those BMRCL engineers who didn’t put in the picture to him! And R Ashok is frowning that Metro doesn’t fall under his line of control.

Nevertheless, let’s hope that it’ll be launched at least by next Ugadi. I was just thinking some of the key areas that BMRCL might have ignored in order to keep the Metro, as Metro. I imagined Namma Metro strictly from a Bangalore’s local commuter standpoint. And I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. Within a week or a month of its launch, the Metro would go up! from a “Metro” standard to “Namma” standard. Here is how:

Coaches:

1. All the corners of the metro coach is going to be turned to dark red color (I don’t know the exact shade), proud contributions by all manickchand and pan parag lovers of our city. BMRCL can save some bucks if they leave the coaches unpainted.
2. The interiors of the coaches will be crafted by our fellow heart failed architects and designers. You’ll get to see I love you Archana, Vijay loves Swati.. and so on (carved with coins, compass and what not..) in all the coaches. Oh No.!!! The tagline “Har safar mein kahaani hai” is patented by Tata Magic. Poor BMRCL.
3. You’ll find the labels of “Piles and Fistula clinic by Dr. Mehboob Khan and Dastagir Khan”, “Earn extra income part time/full time” and “Musli Power Capsules” on the body, window and every other possible place of the coach.

Stations:

1. Metro doesn’t pass through most of our vicinities. As always, you’ll have to take a BMTC or an auto to come to a metro station. The rest is self explanatory. In case you take car/bike, you’ll have to shell out more money than your whole journey to park your vehicle. If the parking fee is minimal, then you’ll find no place. Double the trouble for you.
2. All the beggars in front of the station will have very high expectations (more than your managers) on you since you’re a “metro” traveler!!!
3. The rest rooms in the stations, within no time will be upgraded to the standards of those in Kempegowda Bus stand.

Politics:

1. Ka. Ra. Ve will stage a protest to demand that one of the stations be named after Kempegowda. JD(S) will say one should have name of Devegowda. T. A Narayana Gowda, Sadananda Gowda will come into picture andfinally it'll not be named after any gowda.
2. Pramila Nesargi will file a PIL that there should be dedicated coaches for ladies to Vidhana Soudha on weekdays.
3. ________________________ (This is intentionally left blank and will be edited once something interesting happens (I’m very much certain something WILL come up)

If you really think you can manage with above things, you’ll be assured a safe, free from traffic and a happy journey. But above all, what I really, really expect with the arrival of Namma Metro, is that, people don’t get a chance to give one universal reason for all their hopeless time management skills.. “Traffic Jam”

P.S: If you find a metro coach seat in Sunday Bazaar or Shivajinagar gujri or someone’s home in Tannery road, please don’t panic. It’s just that you can never ever under estimate a fellow Bangalorean.

Top 5 most annoying things on facebook

This post needs no introduction. So I’m directly diving into the topic. Haven’t you ever, at least once, felt Facebook’s going nowhere..??? Other than the fact that it’s giving publicity to my blog, I’ve been losing interest in it, big time. I pondered what the reasons are and I found many. Here is the Top 5.

5. The about Me’s: “I’m the coolest Virgo/The most adventurous Piscean....”
Who the hell wants to know your sun sign..?? You’ve mentioned you date of birth. That’s more than enough. You tell your sun sign and you want us to figure out what it is..?? Holy shit.. Do you think we are CID Pradhyuman’s fans to go into that much of detail..??? And what about writing dialogs and song excerpts? Who the hell you think you are..?? Anand Bakshi..?? Gulzar..?? Or Wordsworth..??? You should be ashamed of yourself..

4. The Likes and the Super Likes: Someone says something good; I appreciate that you are appreciating it. You like it and comment it saying super like. Why, Why, Why..??? “Like” was an out of the box concept. Please let it be.. Mr. Zukerberg is not considering of including Super like, Ultra Like, Mega Like, Bumper Like, Solid Like and so on.. Please stop using those short lived super likes..!! Its irritating.

3. Tagging you: It’s so common for me to wake up on a weekend to find whopping 45-50 notifications on my profile because some moron would have tagged me in a stupid flower vase image or a digitized “god knows what it is” image and everyone (literally) in his/her friend list has commented, liked, super liked on it. Some even commented why I am not tagged. God knows which asylum these taggers come from, but hell, it’s annoying to the core. Please tag me, only if my bloody face is visible in the image. (I’m crying.. :-()

2. “Checking In”: This is the latest and the dumbest buzz on facebook. You checked into a hotel. Good. You checked out of airport, Great. You checked into a brothel. Fantastic..!!! But who the hell told you that you can check in and out of your own home, Moron..??? We can’t take it... WE REALLY CAN’T TAKE 365 (or if you go home 10 times, that’s a fucking 3650) check ins and check outs on our wall. Please spare us. Till this second, I’m only glad to have not seen someone checked in and out of Toilet on my wall. Thank heavens.!!!!

1. And Finally, the most irritating
a) Sindhu’s Chickens are mighty and hungry and need to be fed.
b) Meera Raghavan wants to share a bunch of beautiful electric roses
c) Sandy’s pig found a brown truffle on your farm
d) Do you think Tejaswi is Gay..???
e) Is Deepthi Hathwar sexy..???

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Oops. Did that remind you of Himesh..?? I’m very sorry. But Nooooooooooooooo. I’m really, terribly, awkwardly upset because of these kinds of updates on my wall. Fuck off. FUCK OOOOOOFFFFFF..!!! Who on earth creates such applications..?? What on earth will make you think you’ve to use this app..??? I say CIA should’ve included those creators and users of these apps in the hit list, with Osama. Use your brains, at least occasionally, pleeeeease.

Rest, facebook is good, fun and “THE” thing to keep in touch with your buddies and know what’s up with them. Now that I’ve told you all these, please don’t take revenge on me by posting the above on my wall. Happy facebooking.. :o)

Aam Aadmi and his Tax-o-Nomy

Warning: All incidents in this story are REAL and not a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person’s lifestyle (especially if you are a software engineer) is truly genuine, authentic and certainly not co incidental.

Not so long ago, before I stepped into Professional world, my life was perfectly blissful. But then, I failed to realize this fact. And today, because of my ignorance, I am paying a heavy tax.

It all started with me passing my bachelors with flying colors (?) and getting placed in an MNC. I looked @ the offer and was more than contented. But of course, like any other software engineer, it didn’t last long. By the time I understood that I was paid peanuts, I had already paid a very high “INCOME TAX”.

I got bored of it and thought of doing some business and make good money. I started a venture which did not make its mark. But the losses were huge because of the “COMMERCIAL TAX”.

I ran into losses and decided to sell the left over raw material. I sold it, but I was again at loss because I had to shell out huge “SALES TAX’ to the government.

Dejected, I could not think of business anymore. With some money left, I purchased a beautiful house in one of the posh localities of Bangalore. That too went beyond my budget because of the “PROPERTY TAX”.

In between all these, I fell in love with my neighbor, which meant more tax…!! I couldn’t take her everywhere in bus/auto. So I decided to book a car. When I got it delivered, I was shocked to see that I had to shell out nearly a lakh more. They call it the “ROAD TAX”.

I took her to a movie. But the tickets were exorbitantly priced. When I asked why, they said “ENTERTAINMENT TAX” is very high in Bangalore.

I got frustrated and took her to a nearby restaurant to have dinner. I saw the bill and some amount was additional. The bearer told me that it was “SERVICE TAX”

On her birthday, I promised to present her a gold ring. But the cost was just unbearable. The jeweler clarified that on anything and everything you buy, there will be a “VALUE ADDED TAX (VAT)”

No prize for guesses, my girlfriend ditched me after that. No money, No girlfriend. My age of loneliness took me to a pub. I boozed so heavily that I wanted to forget tax, girlfriend…and everything that happened to me. But all the kick drained out after I saw the bill. The bartender explained to me, the bill was high because of “EXCISE DUTY”

I was so depressed with my life that wanted salvation from all these. I decided to run away to a remote, distant and far off place where no one would recognize me or disturb me. I was not even 30 km away and had reached Hosur, I was out of money to pay for “TOLL ROAD TAX and INTER STATE ENTRY TAX”

And today, with god's grace, I’ve got back my job as software engineer and everything is normal just like how it was before…….

………. except for the two new components added to my pay slip.

“EDUCATION CESS and PROFESSIONAL TAX”

The Yekkada, The Yennada and The Kannada

It never occurred to me until I saw the Census 2011 statistics. The globalization effect has tampered the vernacular culture of Bangalore dreadfully. Yes..!! Bangalore has taken the biggest hit of globalization. A whooping 95 million people in Bangalore..!!! It was just (?) 65 million in 2001. 30 million more people (that’s 46% increase…!!!) in just 10 years..??? Tragically, there’s hardly any increase in Kannadiga numbers. Local people in Karnataka are a mere 38%. Not sure if the inverse effect of this is seen in California. But I felt bad, really bad.
I’m very certain that we all know about it, fume about it every time the topic arises when we all party at friends place. But the question here is, being Kannadiga, am I doing my least bit to restore the Kannada glory..??? The answer is a confident NO. I don’t know how all my non kannadiga friends will react to this post, but in a desperate effort to save Bangalore from vernacular people becoming minorities, I had to write this.
Change your Slang: Use as much Kannada as you can. Stop showing off by talking in English… At least with chai walas and bus conductors (Trouble an Auto wala instead!!!). For heavens sake, we all know how good our own lexicon power is. No matter how bad you might think your Kannada vocabulary is, just remember that any day you’re better than shivraj kumar or Vijay mallya..!! It’s totally ok to stop being “cool” for some time and chat in Kannada (at least if you know the other person knows Kannada). Rationalize the local words and make them popular. Kannada jargons are cooler, easy to spell and you can relate to it in a better way. Just take a look. Isn't it fun using the kannada slang?

• Dude, Buddy, Pal --- Guru, Maga, Sisya
• Whats up man.. --- Yen kithakta idyo bewarsi
• Bro where are you ---  Anna, yel aaykond tinta idya
• Thats so cool --- Avn ajji, Chindi
• Are you kidding me..?? ---  Namge Halwa na..??
• Get lost --- Right helu
• Thats my girlfriend --- Adu nan Dove guru
• He’s a big liar --- Doddu Olu nan maga

 

Just imagine how many times we all use the word “fuck” in a day. If Kannada Sahitya Parishat can come up with a funky, equally cool Kannada equivalent of the holy F word, then majority of the problem will be solved.
 
Shift all the call centers to UP/Bihar: Yes..!!! In Bangalore, It’s a loser’s last resort. It’s a pre conceived notion that anywhere in the world, if you don’t get a solution to your problem thru phone, then you’re talking to a Bangalorean. Shift all call centers to UP/Bihar and let the world know that things can be worse.

 

Capital punishment for Triple rides: Very effective one indeed. Just imagine… If there is capital punishment for triple (Quardra, Penta, Hexa….) rides, then all our “Kya Ji jis” and “Kya ba ines” might fear of not being able to travel in one bike and stop having 27-30 kids per wife (I’ve heard the number has come down to 17-20). In turn we’ll get to hear less of “Kannada Killers”. Insha allah, Nimduke artha agta idare illa….? (I wish I could imitate here)

 

Leadership changes: Needless to say, Yeddi, his cheddis and Reddys are hopeless. Hence declare Mayawati as the CM of Karnataka. JD(S) and BSP will come up with a combo plan and sell Bangalore to UP. Instead of a slow process, at one shot Bangalore will become North India and Kannadigas, persuaded minorities. Problem solved.

 

The Tongue twister method: I’d been to enquire about a bike to a showroom and the mallu salesperson explained the features to me like this. Soober Ingine, good mile age, Sero to sevendy fi in toenty fi segends. That’s when it flashed to me; it’s fair enough to mandate all the mallus to have a special round of job interview called the “Tongue twister round” to get a job in Bangalore. If a mallu can twist his/her tongue more than 30 degrees, it’s understood that he can potentially kill any language (ingluding SEE & SEE blus blus).

 

I really can’t ask you to watch Kannada movies; you would’ve already seen it at least once in Telugu and once in Tamil. But understand that Kannada ism not confined to just Rajkumar, Vishnuvardhan or Upendra. The real Kannada ism lies in “Kuvempu”, it’s in “Bendre”, “DVG” and many others who’ve made kannada proud. Know who they are. At least, you can avoid making constipation faces when you come across their names.

 

We can see a Rawalpindi in RT Nagar and a Salem in Srirampura. Have you seen one such Kannada colony in Chennai or Hyderabad? Forget Kannada colonies, just say Kannada in these cities, you’ll get responses as Yennada and Yekkada. It’s time we learn from them.

 

But ultimately, it’s all in our hands to decide which one’s good for us. “The Yennada”, “The Yekkada” or “The Kannada”